chromatic: (Tama: we never give up)
[personal profile] chromatic
All warnings are the same as in Part 1!


The rest of the day dragged and somehow went by too fast at the same time; Yugo was anxious to see Jesse again but, at the same time, terrified of breaking his heart, and by the time he got home that evening, hurrying to make some sort of presentable dinner for Jesse to come home to, he was a nervous mess, practically burning himself on the stove multiple times and dropping various dishes until even Taira was distracted from his homework and asked if he was okay. Yugo was certainly not okay, but he couldn't exactly explain that (or why) to his son, and so he did his best to smile and show that he was fine, despite the fact that his stomach was doing flips inside of him and it felt as if someone was squeezing his heart inside of his chest. Texts from Kento helped; they always did, but today, not even Kento's calming words and supportive messages could keep him from worrying about the awful thing that he was about to have to do.

But eventually, despite how much Yugo wasn't sure whether he wanted to avoid it or get it over with, Jesse came home, all smiles to be with his family again, and despite all of his nervousness and worries, Yugo couldn't help but be calmed by his husband's presence. Jesse really did love him and Taira so much, and Yugo was happy to be reunited. Being with Jesse again after so long, hearing his stories and catching up with him was enough to distract Yugo from his worries and put what he had to do tomorrow out of his mind, and much to his surprise, he really was able to forget, to relax and enjoy being with Jesse again. Despite everything that had happened, Yugo loved him so much, and as he fell asleep that night wrapped up in Jesse's arms once again, he couldn't help but be glad that they had had this chance one last time before Yugo had to tell the truth and likely ruin everything.

But of course, really, everything was already ruined, Yugo had taken care of that when he has started having an affair five months ago, and so the next morning, he tried to fight back the lump in his throat as he kissed Jesse goodbye in the morning and prepared for the worst. By some miracle, neither of them had late work that day, and so, it was only a matter of hours for Yugo to prepare, to put his thoughts in any sort of order before he had to admit to Jesse just what he had been doing for almost half a year now. But Yugo had never been very good at talking about his feelings, and so it felt like the evening came too fast, that all too soon, they were kissing Taira goodnight and coming back to the kitchen together, presumably to do the dishes and relax for a little while before bed. Only Yugo knew that that wasn't what they were going to do at all, and somehow, that made him feel even more guilty as he caught Jesse in the doorway to the kitchen, placing his hands lightly on Jesse's shoulders and squeezing his eyes shut as he leaned in to place one last kiss on Jesse's lips before he ruined everything. He couldn't help but linger; he knew that this might very well be the last chance he had to do this for a very long time (or worse), but he couldn't wait forever, and so after a moment, he pulled back, stepping far enough away to put a safe distance between them in case, in a moment, Jesse was disgusted with him and didn't want to touch him. "Jesse…" he started, but it was hard to know where to go from there, and he swallowed, looking down and fidgeting. "I… I have something I need to tell you."

Jesse was happy to be home. The latest leg of his band's tour had gone well, and he loved performing with his group, but being on the road for so long was physically tiring, in addition to how much he missed his family while he was away. He was so happy to see Yugo and Taira again, and he was even happier to find that by some happy coincidence, neither he nor Yugo had to work late the next day either, so they were able to have dinner as a family and tuck Taira into bed together for a second night in a row. Yugo seemed distracted, though, like something was worrying him, and Jesse was about to ask if something was wrong when Yugo beat him to it, looking at him nervously and saying he had something to tell Jesse. Jesse didn't know what it could be, but the worried look on Yugo's face made Jesse worry, too, and he looked at Yugo concernedly. "What is it?"

Jesse looked and sounded so concerned, and it made Yugo's stomach flip with guilt. He hated knowing that he was making Jesse worried about him just to turn around and tell him that in fact the problem was all Yugo's fault. But he knew he couldn't drag things out, couldn't make Jesse worry for longer. Still, he couldn't help but frame the whole thing in context; he hated to make excuses, and he knew he had to take full responsibility, but at the same time, he just couldn't say it like he hadn't cared about Jesse at all, because that was the farthest thing from the truth. And so, taking a deep breath, he swallowed back the lump in his throat and tried to find the right words.

"I love you so much," he started quietly, because it was true, and because he never, ever wanted Jesse to think otherwise, no matter what happened. "But… for the past few years… things have been really rough for me. I'm so happy for you, that you have a career doing what you love, and I always want to support you… but having you gone so often can get… really hard for me." And it sounded selfish, it sounded awful, but there was nothing to be done now but tell the truth, and so Yugo braced himself, trying not to falter. "It's not just while you're on tour… that's hard enough as it is, but when you're out filming late into the night, when you don't have any free time for weeks on end… I just… I miss you so much, and I get lonely." He sighed, running his hands through his hair and staring at the ground, feeling guiltier than he thought humanly possible. "And it would be one thing if I had a decent job, too, but… well, I didn't get lucky like you, and so…" But he knew he couldn't make excuses forever, he couldn't keep putting this off. The fact of the matter was that he had done something awful, and he needed to take responsibility. "And so… I tried so hard to be strong, for the past five years, but… but…" And there were tears in his eyes now, because it was going to take all the strength that he had left to say it, but he had to say it, he had to come clean and hope that Jesse would still love him afterwards. "But… I've been having an affair for the past few months," he finally blurted, hating himself more with every word. "We broke it off, and you can't possibly understand how awful and how guilty I feel, but I can't undo it… and I'm so, so sorry."

Jesse's eyes widened as he listened to Yugo's words, to how unhappy and lonely Yugo had been, and he opened his mouth to respond, to ask what he could do, what Yugo needed, because he loved Yugo so much and never wanted him to be unhappy, especially because of something Jesse was doing. But then Yugo continued, sounding like he was nearly in tears, and at his words, I've been having an affair, it felt like Jesse's stomach suddenly turned to ice. Yugo had been having an affair... sleeping with someone else while Jesse was gone... Thinking about it was--jarring, when he trusted Yugo so completely, when he'd never even thought about the possibility, and Jesse sat heavily at the kitchen table, at a loss for what to say. Yugo had been--still was--so unhappy, and Jesse had had no idea, so much so that Yugo had turned to someone else, and Jesse felt betrayed, but at the same time he felt so guilty for letting Yugo become so unhappy and lonely... "I... I had no idea," he managed, looking at Yugo. "I had no idea you were feeling that way..." He swallowed, running a hand through his hair, not sure what else to say or even how to feel.

The look on Jesse's face was awful, felt like a stab to Yugo's chest, and he took a stumbling step forward but didn't know where to go from there, if Jesse would want him to come any nearer. "I'm so sorry--" he started, but his throat felt tight and he wasn't sure what else to say, what else to do. There was no easy fix, no simple solution to this one way or another, and he squeezed his eyes shut, letting the tears roll down his cheeks as he tried to find the right words. "I… I didn't want to burden you with my problems, because I love you so, so much, and I knew it wasn't your fault… I didn't want to be selfish… But things were so hard for me, and I…" He shook his head, because this was his responsibility, no matter what his reasons had been. "There's no excuse for what I did, though, and… god, I'm so, so sorry… I just want to fix things, but…" But what? It was terrifying to think about, but Yugo had to face the fact that he would have to accept whatever Jesse's reaction was, and so he bit his lip, looking down guiltily and bracing himself for whatever came.

Seeing Yugo this upset, this broken down was awful, and even if Jesse had been shocked, even if he felt betrayed at the knowledge that Yugo had been hiding an affair from him for so long, hearing Yugo talk about what he had been going through, hearing him say he wanted to fix things between them, the hurt at being lied to was overwhelmed by how much he loved Yugo and hated seeing him hurting, and he knew that he just wanted to fix things, too. "Me too," he said, "I want to fix things, too..." He swallowed, looking up at Yugo. "Come... come over here?" He gestured to Yugo's spot at their little kitchen table, trying to figure out what he wanted to say. "I... I love you so much," he said, the words even harder to say than usual with the way his throat was tightening up. "So... it hurts to know you were hiding that from me, but... I'm so sorry that you were hurting so much."

When Jesse beckoned, Yugo nodded slowly, not daring to hope as he sat hesitantly beside Jesse. But at Jesse's words, hearing that he loved Yugo, that he wanted to fix things too, it felt as if the tight grip around his heart weakened slightly, and he dared to breathe, the tears coming even harder at the knowledge that at the very least, Jesse didn't hate him. "I'm so sorry," he repeated, staring down at his lap and feeling like the worst husband ever, the worst human being ever. "Please… please know… I always loved you, I've always loved you so much… but I was so lonely, and it felt like you were never ever going to be able to make me or Taira or our family a priority, and I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how to deal with it…" It all still felt like excuses though, and he shook his head, biting his lip. "I felt like I needed someone to support me, and I didn't want to burden you… so I made the worst decision possible," he explained quietly, sinking in on himself in his guilt. "I love you so much… I never wanted to hurt you, and I want to do whatever I can to fix things… I've never lied to you before, and I never want to lie to you ever again… if you can ever trust me after this."

Jesse swallowed hard, taking in Yugo's words. Hearing that Yugo had been pushed to such a desperate point made Jesse feel awful, and on top of that, the fact that Yugo hadn't felt like he could talk to Jesse about it... "I... I'm so sorry," he said again. "I never want you to feel that way... I'm sorry I wasn't there for you to talk to," he said, shaking his head. Because he hadn't been there, it was true--he barely saw Yugo anymore lately, and as much as he hated that, as much as he missed Yugo... he hadn't realized how much worse it had been for Yugo than for himself. But it all made sense, an awful kind of sense when Jesse thought about it, Yugo left all alone at home to take care of their son as well as doing his own job, with no one there to support him or keep him company, and Jesse knew that he believed Yugo. "I love you too... and... I believe you. So... I want to figure out how to fix things."

At Jesse's words, Yugo's eyes widened, and at first, he was unable to believe what he was hearing. Despite the fact that Yugo had made awful decisions, despite the fact that he had done the worst thing possible to Jesse… Jesse understood, Jesse wanted to work to make things better? It was more than Yugo had dared to hope for, and before he knew what was happening, there were tears streaming down his cheeks, a tired but hopeful smile suddenly on his lips. He wanted to hug Jesse, to be close to him somehow, but he wasn't sure how Jesse would feel about that, and so he tentatively reached forward, placing his hand atop Jesse's on the table and looking into his eyes, ready to withdraw at any indication that Jesse didn't want to touch him. "Thank you," he whispered, trying to find his voice, to gather his thoughts, "I have faith that we can figure things out together." Because that's what Yugo should have done from the beginning, no matter how guilty he felt, he should have talked to Jesse, even if just to share his troubles, rather than carrying the burden alone. But what was done was done, and he knew he couldn't take it back… he could only hope that he and Jesse could put it behind them, somehow. "I love you so much… I hope that… somehow, you can forgive me," he added quietly after a moment, his eyes dropping to his lap with the worry that that might take years… if it was even possible.

When Yugo smiled at Jesse through his tears, reaching out to touch Jesse's hand, Jesse smiled back, turning his hand over to hold onto Yugo's, glad that they were going to be able to figure things out together. Because as much as they were both hurting, Jesse knew that they loved each other so much, and if they both wanted to, they would be able to make things better. "I want to figure things out," he said, squeezing Yugo's hand. "So... if we can do that..." Jesse swallowed. "Then I forgive you." Because even if Yugo had broken his trust, even if that still hurt, all he really wanted right now was to make things better between them again, and to help Yugo stop hurting. But even though he knew now what a hard time Yugo had been having, he wasn't sure where to go from there or how he could actually make things better, and he frowned, looking at Yugo and keeping their hands clasped together. "I want to help make things better... but I'm not sure where to start."

Yugo nodded slowly, daring to squeeze Jesse's fingers ever so slightly. The fact that Jesse wanted to take his hand, wanted to forgive him made hope swell in Yugo's chest, but the fact of the matter was that they had a lot of talking and a lot of sorting out to do before they were going to be able to fix things. Licking his lips, he sniffed and wiped at his face with his sleeve before replying hesitantly, "I'm sorry… if I had debuted… it would be different." Because that was the truth of the matter; part of the problem was the fact that Yugo never did any of the things that Jesse did, the things Yugo had always loved and dreamed of, and so on top of having a mediocre and generally unfulfilling career, he became the default fallback plan when Jesse didn't have time to be a husband and a father, and he didn't even have anyone to support him. But no matter how much better life would have been the fact was that Yugo hadn't debuted, and there was no way that they could undo that. "I know… I know it's not your fault, and I'm so happy that you get so much work, with your group and solo, but… when you come back every night at midnight or one am, when you can't ever take time off to go to Taira's school functions, when I barely exchange five words with you in any given day even when you are in Tokyo, not to mention when you're off on tour… well… this hardly feels like a marriage it all," he explained, his voice dipping quieter and quieter as he grew more and more ashamed of what he had to say. But it was true, and clearly bottling it up inside of him hadn't helped anything, so there was no choice now but to be honest.

Jesse listened to Yugo's words, feeling worse and worse. Because of course Yugo always thought of other people first, and never wanted to burden anyone else with his problems, of course Yugo was always just happy for Jesse's success instead of complaining about his own work, but in the end, Jesse knew that even Yugo needed someone to fall back on, and Jesse felt awful for not being there for Yugo. Somehow, so wrapped up in his own busy work schedule and his own group, he hadn't stopped to think that Yugo would be so lonely and unhappy, that the fact that he hadn't debuted would be affecting him so much... Early in their relationship, early in their marriage, Jesse and Yugo had always talked all the time, about everything, and Jesse wasn't sure when that had changed... but now he had been unaware of so many problems, and he didn't know how things had gotten to this state. He barely knew what to say in response, though, barely knew where to begin to try to fix things, and he bit his lip, looking down at their hands. "I... I feel awful," he admitted. "I don't know when I stopped asking how you were doing, when we stopped talking..."

Jesse looked so remorseful, so guilty that Yugo didn't know what to do, and this was why he hadn't wanted to say anything to begin with… but that hadn't gotten them anywhere good, he knew, and so he took a deep breath, trying to push forward with the knowledge that this conversation was going to help things get better in the long run. "I understand," he replied quietly, finally finding the strength to look up and meet Jesse's eyes. "You work a lot. I know, I don't blame you." Because Yugo could never blame Jesse for having a job he loved, for working hard, for being the one to earn the paycheck to afford Taira's fancy private school and their apartment and their cars and everything else, and Yugo could never blame Jesse for being tired at the end of a long day, or distracted as he raced from filming to rehearsal to photoshoot. "I… I don't ever want to hold you back…" he continued, because that was really the last thing he wanted, but at the same time, something somewhere had to give, and… "It's just… Taira misses you so much, and I miss you too, more than I even know how to explain… and I want you to be happy, I'm so glad that your work is rewarding… it's just… I want to be able to find a way for you to be an idol and a dad and husband." It still sounded so selfish to Yugo, but at this point, he knew he couldn't go back… they had to push forward so that things would be better in the future.

Jesse nodded as Yugo spoke, because all of it was what Jesse wanted too, to be an idol and also be there for his family, but somehow he'd lost that along the way. He loved his work, and of course, it was their livelihood, but clearly something had to give when it had gotten to the point that he barely saw his family, that his son was saying how much he missed him, that his husband was miserable. "I want to find that, too," he said, squeezing Yugo's hand. "I don't want to... I can't keep doing this, leaving you and Taira alone. You... you're more important than my work." He wasn't sure what was going to give, or where to start being a better husband and father, but... he knew he had to try.

"Thank you," Yugo said quietly, his slender fingers curling around Jesse's broad ones, and he couldn't help but remember, in that simple gesture, how it had been when they were younger, when they were teenagers. Yugo used to rely on Jesse so much for support when he needed someone to hold him up, for a loving embrace when he felt alone and awash, and despite how much he had tried to be strong for the past few years, the thought of having that back, even just a little, was overwhelming. "I'm so sorry to put you in this position," he added, looking up to meet Jesse's eyes and wishing, even now, that things were better, that he could lean on Jesse's shoulder or wrap his arms around Jesse's waist, that he could offer a little support back. "But… you've always been the person I trust, the person I can rely on… and I love you so much, and I need you more than ever now."

Jesse shook his head at Yugo's apology. "I want to be there for you... I want us both to be there for each other, like we used to be," he said. "I've been putting my work first, instead of thinking about you, and about Taira... And you have your work, too, and I never even went to see your play..." Because even if Yugo was unhappy with his work, Jesse knew that Yugo loved performing, and, well, especially if Yugo was unhappy, Jesse should have been there supporting him. He wondered how his groupmates did it, juggling families and work, and if any of them had similar problems. When he thought about it, though, no one was quite in the same situation, since Fuma was also debuted and just as busy as Hokuto, and Yuma was quite busy with solo and NYC activities, too, which meant that Hokuto and Shintaro had to take time off more often to take care of their kids, and probably more importantly, that their husbands were happy with their work. But if Hokuto and Shintaro could make time to spend with their families, then Jesse could too. He knew that Hokuto, especially, often turned things down because of family obligations, and when they were on tour Hokuto called his family every day without fail. Yugo had always told Jesse not to worry about things like that if he was busy, but now, looking back, Yugo had only been trying not to burden Jesse, and Jesse had failed to see how much it had hurt Yugo. "I... I can take on less work," he said. "I'm nowhere near the first debuted Johnny's to have kids, it's... it should be something I can do."

Jesse sounded so lost and broken down and confused that Yugo felt awful and guilty, like it was his fault for not debuting, or for not being stronger, and maybe it was, but… Yugo had always relied on Jesse when he couldn't bear the emotional strain of day to day life anymore, and Jesse had married him anyway, knowing he was weak, knowing he would never have a real career. Still, he loved Jesse so much, and it was awful to think that he would be the reason Jesse had to work less, but he didn't know what else to do but nod, trying to make eye contact. He wanted so badly to touch Jesse more than he already was, but he had no way to be sure if Jesse was ready, and so he held himself back, holding tight to Jesse's hand. "I'm so sorry," he replied, his voice practically a whisper, "But… Taira… he'll be so happy if he can see even a little more of you, and…" And maybe they could begin to have a relationship again? Maybe they could talk, could eat dinner together, could do chores together, like a real married couple? Maybe they could even take time off together, even every once and again, and go out to dinner, or leave Taira with friends and stay in for the evening, just the two of them? The thought was practically too much for Yugo to even comprehend, and he swallowed, offering Jesse as much of a smile as he could muster, weak and hesitant trembling as it was. "And… maybe we can go back to the way things were when we were younger again… even just a little?" Because Yugo really did love Jesse with all of his heart, and if they could be happy together again, if they could really be a family… even with Yugo's thankless job, even with long hours both at work and with single parenting duties… he would be happy.

Jesse felt awful that on top of hurting Yugo, he had made Taira so lonely as well, and he nodded. "I... I'm already looking forward to seeing more of Taira again," he said, smiling a little, because he loved his son so much, and that alone would have made it worth the stress of trying to change things at work. But if he and Yugo could go back to the way things used to be between them, even just a little, to when they used to talk about everything, when they used to go places together and spend time at home together, when Jesse used to talk about how anything with Yugo was fun, no matter what it was... If things could be like that again, Jesse thought, he would be so happy. "I want that so much," he said. "I... I loved the way things used to be. I want things to be better for you... but I missed you too, so... you don't have to apologize." He looked at Yugo, rubbing his thumb against the back of Yugo's hand. "I want this, too."

Even just the lightest touch of Jesse's finger was enough to give Yugo new hope, and his smile grew a little as he nodded. "No matter what happens with my work… no matter how stressful things get… so long as I have you, so long as we're together as a family… everything will be okay," he said, his voice quiet but growing stronger. After all, if this was what Jesse wanted too, if they were both committed to being better husbands and better fathers, then things could only get better from here, Yugo was sure of it. And so, taking a deep breath, he took a risk and took Jesse's other hand in his own as well, wanting to show just how happy he knew they would be, just how much he wanted to put a new foot forward together. "I love you so much… and together, we'll make things work, I know we will."

Jesse smiled back at Yugo, so glad to see Yugo smiling again. Seeing Yugo smile and listening to his words, it really did seem like everything was going to be okay, despite everything that had happened, and Jesse wanted to show Yugo that he felt the same way. Keeping hold of Yugo's hands, Jesse stood, gently tugging Yugo up with him and stepping closer. "I want to make things work together," he said, letting go of Yugo's hands to wrap his arms around Yugo. "I love you," he said, and as he held Yugo close, he knew that more than anything, he was glad that he and Yugo still had each other.

Feeling Jesse's arms around him after so long was amazing, and Yugo melted into his embrace, wrapping his arms tightly around Jesse's waist and pressing his face into Jesse's shoulder. The sight of Jesse's smile, too, was overwhelming, and Yugo felt as if he might overflow with hope for the future, a feeling he hadn't had in a long, long time. "I love you too," he replied honestly, slowly, relishing in being able to say it and really mean it, unconditionally, without fear. Taking a deep breath and absorbing the scent of Jesse's skin, the feel of his arms around Yugo, the sound of his voice so close… it gave Yugo confidence in the future. "I love you so much…" he repeated, smiling into Jesse's shirt, "and I know that we can make things better together."


After Kento left Yugo's, they had texted periodically throughout the day, not about anything in particular, and comfortingly, not anything very different from what they had been doing for the past few months. The texts had tapered off when Jesse got home, of course, but they started up again the next morning when Yugo and Kento were both off to the rehearsal hall. Kento knew Yugo must have been feeling awful at the prospect of having to admit everything to Jesse that night, and he wished Yugo luck as he headed off to an evening filming, feeling full of nerves himself on Yugo's behalf and anxiously anticipating Yugo's text saying how things went. It was much later in the evening that Kento was finally reassured, Yugo's text telling him that Jesse had been understanding, and that they were going to work to make things better. It was so much more than Kento was letting himself hope for for himself, but he was so relieved and happy for Yugo, and he texted back telling him so, and asking if he could call the next day. He was sure Yugo was busy making amends with Jesse, but he still had to work up the courage to talk to Shori, and he knew that talking to Yugo would help.

Of course, Yugo had been happy to talk to Kento, and when he picked up the phone, he sounded tired, yes, but as their conversation went on, Kento could tell that he was genuinely hopeful that things could really get better, and that was something that neither of them had felt in a long time. It was still hard for Kento to be hopeful about his own situation as he asked Yugo for advice on what to say, but hearing Yugo sound that way helped. And now that Yugo had come clean... there was really no going back, and Kento knew he had to do it too.

So it was with Yugo's words of encouragement in mind that evening that he returned to the kitchen after tucking Jinsei into bed, pausing in the doorway for a moment to look at Shori sitting at the table, absorbed in his notebook. Kento didn't think he could think of another time when he had screwed up this badly, and he barely knew how to start... He didn't want to lose Shori, but then again, he wasn't sure that he could lose Shori any more than he already had. Sitting down at his place at the table, he took a breath, trying to steady himself. "I... wanted to talk to you."

At Kento's words, Shori felt as if his heart suddenly stopped beating. It had been obvious to him since they had come home from work that things had been off that day; not only had Kento been acting tense and odd, but he was actually there, actually home that evening past eight or nine. Recently, that was practically unheard of; Kento had been sneaking out almost every night increasingly over the past three weeks, and it had been a turn, Shori knew, for the worst. But the whole situation was out of his hands, had always been out of his hands ever since Kento had chosen to stop speaking to him and close him out of his life completely, and so, when suddenly, Kento said that he wanted to talk, Shori knew that it couldn't be anything good.

But just because he had been dreading this moment for weeks now didn't mean that he was prepared-- even with so much time to think, Shori would never have been prepared for something like this. He stared at his notebook, the half-written lyrics blurring in front of his eyes as he tried to fight back the panic and say something, anything. It almost felt as if this wasn't his life, as if this were a dream, or else some movie that he was watching; this couldn't be what seven years of marriage had amounted to when Shori didn't even know what he could possibly have done wrong… but here he was, and here Kento was, about to say something horrible, Shori was certain. But there wasn't much he could do now, now that his entire world had somehow been pulled out from under him, and so he braced himself, looking up at Kento and swallowing, trying to find the right words. "Okay," he finally managed, and it wasn't much, but really, what could Kento expect out of him when he was about to do what Shori assumed he was about to do.

Shori looked far too small, far too hopeless, the look in his eyes so different from what Kento had been used to seeing there when things were good between them, and Kento felt awful that he was the one who had done this to him, and that this conversation was probably just going to make Shori feel even worse. But he couldn't put it off any longer, now that he had started, and Kento bit his lip, looking down at the table. "I... I'm sorry," he started, because if he was sure of anything right now, it was that he was so sorry for hurting Shori so much. "I've been… hiding something from you. I was… I've been having an affair."

Even though Shori had been expecting Kento's words, had been bracing himself for them, even, the blow was almost too much for him to bear, and he squeezed his eyes shut, trying to hold himself together. But it was hard when this was almost certainly the beginning of the end, the end of everything Shori had always held dear in his life, and it was hard, knowing that, to fight back the tears, to find words, to look Kento in the eye when, as far as Shori was concerned, for seemingly no reason, Kento had decided to destroy their family. But he had to, he couldn't just run away now, he was an adult and his family was his responsibility. And so he forced his eyes open again, doing his best to meet Kento's eyes but ending up looking at the space beside his ear nonetheless. "I know," he replied, because he wasn't exactly sure what Kento meant by I've been hiding something when to Shori, the whole thing had been as clear as day. "With Kouchi-kun," he added, because he didn't want to have to hear Kento say it, somehow, it was easier to say it himself. But Kento hadn't asked any questions, or made any requests or demands, and so Shori didn't know where to go from there. He didn't have the strength to try to sort this out, and at this point, he felt entirely hopeless, anyway. Somehow, despite everything they had always shared, despite more than ten years together and eight years of cohabitation and two children, he had lost his husband to another man, and in the face of that, Shori didn't have the strength to do anything but wait for Kento to go on.

"I--" Kento started, already ready to try to apologize, to explain himself, but then Shori's words registered, and Kento found himself staring at Shori, uncomprehending. Shori knew? And not just that Kento had been having an affair, but that it was with Yugo... Kento didn't understand, because Shori had never said anything the whole time, never let on that he knew, never asked or demanded an explanation or anything. Of course, Kento knew that Shori wasn't one for anger or confrontations, but still, to think that Shori had known for who knew how long and not said anything... Kento couldn't imagine it. "How... how did you know?" he asked, and maybe he was staring, maybe he sounded far too surprised when Fuma had figured it out already, when Yugo's six-year-old son had figured it out already, but he couldn't help it, because Shori's response had been so far from what he was expecting.

Shori blinked at Kento, mildly surprised at his disbelief. Shori had known for a long, long time now that Kento had been having an affair, and it had been clear when Kento's evenings spending time with his childhood friend became evenings spending time with persons to be left unnamed became evenings when Kento didn't give any explanation as to where he was going that it wasn't that he'd stopped seeing Kouchi, but rather than he had stopped telling Shori about it. And Shori wasn't stupid; the whole thing had started while Fuma had been sighing daily about how Hokuto was away on tour, and while Shori and Hokuto didn't see as much of one another as they used to when they were school friends, Shori was still more than aware that Kento's sudden decrease of time at home had overlapped with Hokuto-- and therefore Kouchi's husband-- leaving town again. Did Kento really think that, just because he hadn't said anything, Shori didn't know? What would he have gained by saying anything? Kento had done nothing but yell at him and berate him for almost the past year now, and Shori certainly didn't think that things would be much better when it came to his extramarital affair. The only thing that could come of Shori explicitly mentioning what he assumed was implicitly understood was Kento leaving him, and that, Shori knew he couldn't handle. Of course, it was probably going to happen anyway, but what could Shori have done but try to avoid it?

But then, it seemed, this was the end of the line, this was what all of his worrying and hurting had been leading up to, and somehow, now, at the climax, he just felt tired and numb. He didn't know what he was supposed to be feeling at a time like this, if he was supposed to be screaming and crying or angrily throwing things at Kento or begging him to stay, but Shori felt nothing, and that was almost equally terrifying in its own right. But now he had nothing to lose-- Kento was going to take it all away, anyway, and so he looked Kento in the eye and responded flatly, "I honestly didn't realize you were trying to hide it. You might not like me anymore, but do give me a little credit as an intelligent human being." He laughed bitterly, shaking his head and looking down at the table. He had been so in love with Kento when they had been younger, when they had first moved in together, gotten married… but he supposed all good things in life had to end. He hadn't exactly expected his marriage to become something out of a haiku, but at the very least, he thought with a humourless smile, at least maybe he'd get a good set of song lyrics out of it, or something. It was hard to think about work, though, when work had always, always been something that he shared with Kento, and suddenly, the realization that anymore, everything was something that he shared with Kento made his throat tight and his heart ache in his chest. He could try to steady himself as much as he wanted, but the fact of the matter was that he was going to lose his husband, the man he had loved with everything he had, with whom he had built a life together for the past ten years, and the thought was too much for Shori to bear.

But he had to swallow back the emotion, because getting emotional now wasn't going to help anyone, and since when in the past year had Shori's pain and tears changed Kento's mind? And so, he rested his elbows on the table, dropping his head into his hands. "I guess… I guess this means you want a divorce, then, if you're telling me…?" he replied quietly, unable to find it in himself to pull himself up and look at Kento just to watch as Kento told him that he didn't want Shori in his life anymore.

Kento didn't know how to respond to Shori saying that it had been obvious, or that Kento didn't like him anymore, because none of that was true; he had been trying to hide it, and from the outset neither he nor Yugo had wanted their husbands to find out... And of course Kento still liked Shori, but of course it wouldn't seem that way from what he had done, and Kento just shook his head, not knowing where to start. But then, suddenly, Shori was asking if Kento wanted a divorce, and suddenly Kento felt like he couldn't breathe. He didn't, not at all, and now that it had been said out loud the idea of losing what he'd had with Shori forever, of tearing apart their family that way, of tearing apart their band that way, it was awful and terrifying. No, what he wanted wasn't a divorce but for things to get better again, to be close to Shori the way they had been before, but if Kento was the only one who wanted that, then it didn't matter. Because of course, after all this, it made sense that Shori would want a divorce, after what Kento had done. "If... if that's what you want, I understand," Kento said, the tightness in his throat making it hard to get the words out, "But that's... not why I'm telling you." He swallowed, shaking his head. "We-- we broke it off," he said, realizing that in his apologies and confessions, he still hadn't said that.

At Kento's words, Shori couldn't help but look up at him, his eyes narrowing as he tried to understand what Kento was saying. Kento's motive for telling Shori… hadn't been a divorce? And he had ended the affair? Shori didn't know what to make of it; Kento hadn't outright said that he didn't want a divorce, and Shori didn't understand why the affair had ended, if it had been problems on Kouchi's end, or if they had decided to end it mutually, or… or what it could imply. The fact that they had broken things off could mean a million different things, and Shori didn't know whether this was good or bad, whether to be afraid or relieved or… or what. He was overwhelmed, and he hadn't missed Kento's implication, either, if that's what you want… And what right did Kento have to suggest that Shori was the one who wanted to ruin everything that they had worked so hard to build together when Shori had been terrified this whole time that Kento was going to run away one day and never come back? And Shori had never been one for emotional outbursts, had never been one for anger and hysterics, but Kento really had pushed him to the brink, and before he realized what was happening, there were tears in his eyes, running down his cheeks. "How can you suggest that I'm the one who wants to ruin everything when you've left me here all alone, wondering when you were going to come home, when you were going to see the kids again, if you cared about any of us, about our group and our family and me--" And it was hard to say, when it was something he had been fighting so hard to keep buried inside of him this whole time, when he had been trying so hard to stay strong for his kids, and for himself… but now that Kento was baring everything, it seemed only fair for Shori to do the same, and besides, he wanted Kento to know, after he had spent this whole time trying to avoid the truth, he wanted Kento to understand how awful he had made Shori's life for the past five months.

And so, tears coming harder now, voice tight with emotion, Shori wiped at his cheeks defiantly and swallowed before continuing, "I've spent almost half a year now waiting… I've been so scared that you're going to leave me, Kento. I've been terrified that you were going to walk out on our work, our kids, our family… I've been terrified that you were going to walk out on me." It was so hard to say, so hard to admit his weakness here and now, while Kento had every power over Shori, the power to ruin his entire life… but there was no going back now, and Shori knew that the only choice was to press forward. "And more than that… despite everything you've put me through… I've never stopped loving you," he admitted, his voice dropping off to barely a whisper as sobs cracked through his voice and his strength, leaving him doubled over in his seat, collapsing in on himself. All of his feelings were out in the open now, and Kento could choose to walk right over them if he wanted to… but Shori knew he couldn't keep hiding from Kento anymore.

Watching Shori break down felt like it was tearing Kento apart, and he barely knew what to say, where to start in the face of all of Shori's confessions. The idea of Shori worrying all alone for so long, knowing that Kento was off sleeping with someone else, was awful to think about, and even if Kento had been having problems too, even if he and Yugo hadn't meant harm, there was no excuse for what he had put Shori through. On top of everything, though, hearing Shori sob brokenly that he still loved Kento was too much to deal with, and Kento felt his own eyes tearing up in the face of it all. He had hurt Shori so much, and yet Shori still loved him... It didn't even make sense, really, and Kento swallowed hard, trying to find words to somehow make things a little better, to try to show how much he regret hurting Shori. "I'm so sorry," he started, his voice tight with emotion. "I had no idea... But... there's no excuse for doing that to you." He shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment. He wanted so badly to touch Shori right now, to comfort him somehow, but he couldn't, not yet, not when Shori had no reason to forgive him. "I still... I still love you, too," he said instead, his voice practically a whisper, and he had so much more to say, so many explanations and apologies, but he waited, because nothing felt quite right to say after that.

Hearing Kento apologize felt far too much like too little too late; Shori was always someone who valued words and communication, but at the end of the day, words were only words, and Kento had proved over the past five months through his actions that Shori's pain was secondary to his own whims. Maybe he did have no idea, but then he was either blind or just really didn't care at all how Shori had been feeling, and while he knew Kento had always been a little self centered, this was just ridiculous. Because this wasn't just a few insensitive words or a little boasting, this was the fate of everything they had together, of their children and their jobs that Kento held in his hands, that Kento had practically thrown away through his affair, and more than anything, Shori felt frustrated, like this was all a game to Kento, or something. But then I still love you too, Kento was saying, and Shori's brow furrowed; he didn't understand. Kento still hadn't said what he wanted, and Shori's anxieties were beginning to wear him too thin, and so, "Please don't do this to me," he whispered, his voice horse from crying, "Don't leave me dangling here. You had no idea how I've been feeling because you've never bothered to care about anyone but yourself, but now I'm telling you. I can't let you go on doing this to the group, or to our kids, and I can't go on with you doing this to me. If you don't want to be in this marriage, affair or no, then please, please say so. Because… I just don't have the strength left…" But he didn't even have the strength to finish the sentence, and so he trailed off, looking at Kento beseechingly as tears began to stream down his face again.

Kento didn't know what to say, because he wanted so badly to make things better, but he just didn't know how anymore. He had messed everything up so badly and hurt Shori so much, and even before that, everything had already been falling apart between them. But now... Kento supposed there wasn't anything left to do besides tell the truth, and hope that somehow they could figure things out, that somehow, maybe, Shori could forgive him. "I do want to be in this marriage," he said. "I... I love you, and I love the kids, and I love Sexy Zone. But..." He paused, swallowing and trying to figure out what he wanted to say. "I don't know what happened. Why we started fighting..." Kento sighed, looking down at the table and running a hand through his hair. "I'm so sorry," he said again. "I... I want to fix things, if we can... if you still want to."

It felt ironic, somehow, to hear Kento saying that now, at the end of everything. It was what Shori had hoped to hear him say at the beginning of when things started to go wrong, what he had lost hope of ever hearing once Kento's nights out had become a full-blown affair, and now, somehow, after facing his biggest fear… here Kento was, finally saying that he wanted to put out effort to fix things between them. It felt unreal, and Shori wiped at his eyes, looking down at his lap and trying to sort through his thoughts. "…I'd given up hope of you ever saying that," he admitted quietly, smiling wryly, and it had been so long since he'd felt safe being honest with Kento, without fear of losing him forever. Taking a deep breath, he lifted his head, meeting Kento's eyes across the table. "The only way this will work out is if you really mean it," he added seriously. "After five months of being terrified that I was going to lose you… you're going to have to prove it to me."

Kento felt like his heart was in his throat all of the sudden when Shori met his eyes and Kento looked at him, really looked him in the eye, for the first time in what felt like months. He had missed Shori, missed all the things they used to do together and all the ways that things used to be good between them, since before his affair with Yugo had even begun, and right now, he wanted that back so badly. "I really mean it," Kento said, holding Shori's gaze for once. "I want... I want to make things good again." And if Shori wanted to, too, that was more than Kento had allowed himself to hope for.

Shori held Kento's gaze for a moment, gauging his response before letting his eyes fall back down to the table. This felt like the first time Kento had looked Shori in the eye in ages, and while it wasn't much… it was something, it was more than Shori had ever thought he was going to get again. Maybe he was crazy, but Shori had never been a pessimist, and it was enough to give him hope, even just a tiny flicker of it somewhere in his chest. This whole situation was just so strange, so far removed from anything Shori had ever thought would happen in his life, though, and he laughed wryly, running a hand through his hair. "You know, everyone thought you were going to break my heart when we were teenagers. Fuma, Hokuto… they didn't want me to date you. They told me all sorts of awful stories about you from when you guys were Juniors together…" Laughing humourlessly under his breath, he shook his head, looking up at Kento. "And even now, I still love you. I've always loved you, for better or for worse, Kento… I'm not sure which it's going to be, but I still love you."

Kento swallowed, feeling emotional all over again as he thought back to all his years together with Shori, first as just bandmates, then dating and falling in love and getting married. Shori's words meant more than Kento could have imagined, the simple fact that Shori still loved him after everything he had done to not deserve it. "I love you, too," he said, "And... I want it to be for better." And Shori wanted him to prove it, to show he really meant it... but the problem was that Kento didn't know anymore--or maybe he had never known to begin with--why things had taken such a turn for the worse to begin with. But maybe Shori did, maybe Shori knew why they had fought and how they could fix it, or at least, maybe he knew some way that Kento could begin to make things up to him... "I want to make things better, but... I don't think I know how anymore," he admitted, fiddling nervously with his shirt buttons.

Shori nodded slowly, his lips drawn tight as he thought back to the beginning of this whole mess. He didn't understand what had happened, either, because everything had always been perfect between them before. Of course, they'd had their fights; Shori and Kento were both intelligent and strong-willed people, and there had been plenty of times when they hadn't met eye to eye on issues of parenting or finance or work. But Shori had always respected Kento, and Kento had always treated Shori with the same respect, and finding compromise wasn't hard when they had always found inspiration in one another, when talking through an issue almost always led to some form of easy resolution. But then… when they'd had Ryusei, things had changed, and Shori still didn't understand why. Of course, they had both been stressed with the difficulties that came along with taking care of an infant, but they'd done it once before, with Jinsei, and Shori didn't understand why Kento had reacted so differently the second time around. "I… I can't make you behave differently Kento… that much has become more than clear," he finally responded slowly, a grim, tired expression still drawn on his features, and he sighed heavily, looking up at Kento. Finding the right words on impulse had always been hard for Shori, but now that Kento was finally perhaps on the brink of listening to Shori again, of respecting him as a human being and as his husband, he knew he had to try. "But I don't understand why you changed. Around when we had Ryusei… you stopped listening to me and respecting my opinion. You became so defensive, you started closing me out most of the time… And I didn't know what to do." It was hard, admitting it out loud when at first, Shori had tried so hard to coax Kento back into his old self, when, for fear of Kento lashing out at him, or worse, leaving him entirely, he had fallen silent with his worries after the affair had started. But he had to push on, to make things better, he had to be honest with Kento, and so he swallowed, running a hand through his hair as he tried to find the right words. "I… I'm not like you, Kento. I can't just say what I'm feeling in a burst of emotion, without thinking it through… and when you yell at me, when you attack me… I just don't know what to do."

Kento started to respond automatically, to defend himself against what Shori was saying, because he didn't think he'd changed or started acting differently or wanting anything different from what he always had. But he stopped himself as Shori went on, because--because this was exactly what Shori was saying was the problem, and since Kento didn't know anymore what the problem was, he could at least try to listen and understand what Shori had to say about it. And Shori was saying that Kento had changed after they had Ryusei, that Kento had stopped listening to him and respecting him, and that Kento yelled at him and attacked him... And when Kento thought about their fights, it was true, he did raise his voice and show his emotions more than Shori did, and he had always been that way, but when things had gotten bad and they had started fighting more... the fights had been painful for both of them, of course, but if Kento put himself in Shori's shoes, being yelled at and not yelling back or defending himself... well, Kento would have, but that wasn't the point. "I'm sorry," Kento said, even though that wasn't nearly enough, because he regretted all the fights, and it was yet another way he had hurt Shori. "For making you feel that way, on top of everything..." But that didn't explain why Shori thought he had changed, and Kento frowned, thinking back to before everything with Yugo had started. He had been unhappy, and he had felt like everything else had changed, actually, while only he had stayed the same. It had felt like Shori had stopped understanding him, too, and like they just weren't on the same wavelength anymore about anything... "I... I didn't feel like I changed," Kento said. "I felt like we didn't understand each other anymore... But..." But he had gone about things all wrong, somehow, and instead of working things out, they had fought, and instead of trying to fix things, Kento had turned to Yugo. "I should have tried to fix things the first time around," he said, looking down at the table.

"If we didn't understand each other anymore, but you didn't change, then you're saying I did all the changing?" Shori replied, sighing heavily and looking off to the side again, trying to remember when things had first gone wrong. It was hard now, after everything had spiraled so much worse and worse, but Shori wasn't one to forget easily, Shori wasn't one to let the little details slip between the cracks, and after a moment of thought, he continued. "We were both tired and stressed, Kento, I was too, I know. And I wanted to let you recover. I tried to take on more time with the baby at first… but parenting just can't go on that way forever." Though, Shori thought wryly, it would have been better Kento were a slightly less responsible parent than a complete absentee one, but how could Shori have known at the time that Kento was planning on completely turning his back on their family. He had believed in Kento at first, at least, hoped that the stress would fade away and Kento would become himself again… he had been naive, he supposed, but there was no undoing it now. "And it's not that I was right one hundred percent of the time, or that you were being a bad parent or a bad person, but every time I asked you to take on a little more, you got so angry, so defensive… It felt like you had stopped respecting my opinions at all, even if you didn't agree with me. And then you'd whine that I didn't want to be around you, when all you did while we were together was yell at me or complain about having to take care of our son… and what was I supposed to do? What was I supposed to think?" He sighed, dropping his head into his hands for a moment, trying to gather himself as he felt tears prickling in his eyes again. "I'm not trying to attack you now, or criticize you," he admitted quietly, lifting his head but unable to quite find the strength to meet Kento's eyes, his gaze instead settling at some spot on the table just below Kento's face. "I… I just want my husband back."

Part 10

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「いいじゃない?」

December 2015

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