Yugo and Kento rp [part 8 of 10]
Aug. 6th, 2013 07:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
chromaticAll warnings are the same as in Part 1!
Kento and Yugo had made plans to meet up just a few days after Kento returned to Tokyo, on a day when they were scheduled for photo shoots in the same building again, and Kento wasn't sure whether he should be looking forward to it or dreading it. He couldn't wait to see Yugo again, and he had missed Yugo so badly, but now... he didn't know what it was going to be like. He knew that Fuma had talked to Yugo, but he didn't know what Yugo was going to want to do now that Fuma knew about their affair, and Kento didn't even know what he wanted to do.
The day before he was supposed to meet up with Yugo, Kento had had another stupid fight with Shori, and that wasn't helping his current state of confusion. It had been over a meeting, of all things; the meeting had been scheduled as a staff meeting about the next leg of their tour, but Shori had thought they should attend as well. The worst part was that normally, Kento would probably have been all for that sort of thing, for being more involved in concert planning, but after the uncomfortableness of their whole tour, Kento really wasn't ready for more meetings together with his bandmates. And then when Shori said he really thought they should go, and Kento said he didn't want to, it just felt like Shori was telling him what to do, and as usual, things went downhill from there. It was always awful to fight, and Kento didn't know what he was going to do if he couldn't get some comfort from Yugo the next day... but then he had seen Shori's notebook, accidentally left open on the table to a set of partially-written lyrics: I feel like I'm losing you... Kento had been hit with a sudden wave of guilt, because all along, he had been thinking of the affair as something just between himself and Yugo, but now Fuma had found out, and like a punch to the stomach, it was suddenly obvious that Shori couldn't be all that ignorant, either. Even if he hadn't overheard like Fuma, even if he didn't know what was going on or where Kento went in his free time, what was happening in their relationship was hurting Shori, too--and maybe it was only a matter of time before he found out everything.
So it was with all these worries and an uncomfortable feeling of guilt that Kento went to find Yugo in his dressing room at the appointed time, eager to finally see Yugo again but not sure how to feel about everything else as he knocked on the door and waited for Yugo to answer.
His conversation with Fuma didn't do much to change Yugo's opinion of what he was doing with Kento-- of course it was wrong, of course he shouldn't be cheating on Jesse-- but it also didn't do much to make him feel any less nervous or guilty. He didn't think he could possibly be making his relationship with Jesse much worse when anymore, it felt like they didn't have much of a relationship beyond that of people who happened to live in the same house and occasionally care for the same child, but one thing Fuma had said was true: if Fuma had found out, other people were bound to if they didn't change. What that change needed to be, Yugo wasn't sure, but he knew it was something he had to discuss with Kento.
And so, Yugo and Kento made plans to meet up one day when they happened to have work in the same building. Thankfully, it was during the day, which meant Taira was at school and Yugo was obligation free in his down time as he waited in his dressing room. Still, he was anxious and on edge, tossing the events of the past week around in his head over and over again until finally, there was a knock at the door. The noise made him jump, but he stood hurriedly, rushing to the door and peering outside before opening it all the way. "Kento--" he exhaled, though he wasn't sure if it was more of a greeting or a sigh of relief, and he wasn't sure, either, when he had started calling Kento almost exclusively by his given name. He didn't want to think about the implications of that, either, but he supposed they were going to have to… still, for now, he hovered by the door, waiting for Kento to come in and close the door behind him, feeling as if he needed a warm embrace now more than ever.
The moment Kento saw Yugo, despite all his conflicting feelings, all he wanted to do was hug him as tightly as he could. "Yugo," he replied, stepping into the room, and maybe it was a terrible idea, but he couldn't bring himself to care, pulling Yugo close as soon as the door was shut and locked behind him. "Fuck, I missed you," he breathed, hugging his arms tightly around Yugo's back, and he really had missed this feeling so much. They had to talk about everything, he knew, but for the moment he didn't want to face it, he just wanted to enjoy being close to Yugo for a little longer.
When Kento pulled Yugo immediately into a hug, Yugo couldn't help but let out a shaky breath, melting into Kento's arms and burying his face in Kento's shoulder. Wrapped his arms around Kento's waist in return, Yugo nodded into the warmth of Kento's neck, not wanting to move away even to talk. "Oh god, Kento…" he murmured, muffled against Kento's skin, "I've missed you so much." And maybe that was awful, but it was true; in Jesse's almost constant absence, Yugo was keenly aware of not having Kento around, either, and it had been hard, surviving for the past few weeks without him. He didn't want to think about anything else, despite all their problems… he just wanted to stay here in Kento's arms forever, wrong as it might be.
Kento squeezed Yugo tightly, relaxing into the embrace and breathing into Yugo's hair. He didn't want to move now that he was finally close to Yugo again, and he especially didn't want to think about any of the problems they had to deal with. But at the same time, all the things he had been thinking about were still at the back of his mind making him feel guilty and worried, and even in Yugo's arms he couldn't quite shake the unpleasant feeling in his stomach. Loosening his arms around Yugo and stepping back just far enough to look Yugo in the eye, Kento sighed, keeping his hands linked behind Yugo. "I don't know what to do," he said.
When Kento drew back, Yugo felt as if his heart suddenly leapt into his throat, and he couldn't bear to keep looking at Kento, not when things were suddenly so uncertain. "I don't know either," he replied quietly, wishing Kento hadn't moved so far away when Yugo felt, at a time like this, he needed Kento's support the most. "I talked to Fuma…" he started waveringly, but, unsure of what he wanted to say, he trailed off, feeling small and awash even with Kento's hands still resting in the small of his back. He hated this, when having Kento was basically all that was holding him together anymore, and before he knew what he was doing, "You don't…. you don't want to…?" was tumbling out of his mouth, because if Kento was scared now that Fuma knew, if he wanted to end things… Yugo didn't know what he was going to do.
Kento shook his head, frowning and trying to figure out what to say. Yugo looked just as upset and worried as Kento felt, and despite everything, despite the guilt over hurting Shori and the worry about the truth coming out, Kento didn't want to stop, he didn't want to give up what he had with Yugo. Taking hold of Yugo's hand, Kento nodded questioningly towards the small sofa furnishing Yugo's dressing room, leading him over to it and sitting down close together. "I really... don't want to stop," he started, "But..." And he wasn't sure how to say it, because Kento hated talking about complicated feelings and things that were worrying him or worse, things that he regretted. But he couldn't just ignore this, and he sighed heavily, holding onto Yugo's hand more tightly and staring down at the floor. "I don't want Shori to find out, and... he already knows something's not right..." It's already hurting him, he thought, but there was no way he could admit that out loud.
At Kento's words, Yugo felt as if the carpet had been pulled out from beneath him, and his stomach lurched in fear and anxiety. If Shori knew something was wrong… if Kento's husband was catching on… then what could that possibly mean for Yugo's own marriage? He was sure Kento must have been being careful; obviously he wouldn't have flaunted that he was having an affair in front of his husband… which meant that it could only be a matter of time before Yugo's husband realized something was up, too, didn't it? Yugo couldn't stomach the thought of Jesse ever thinking anything was wrong with their marriage; Yugo loved Jesse, despite everything, loved him more than he could even explain, which was why he couldn't ask too much of him, which was why he had to fall back on Kento… but if Jesse ever suspected anything was wrong, it would destroy Yugo, simply break him to pieces.
So then… if Kento thought Shori was figuring things out… that must mean that everything was over. Yugo couldn't imagine what Kento must be feeling now, and things were so much worse than Yugo had originally thought. Fuma knowing was one thing, and while it was awful of him, he had thought they could get around it, that they could be more careful, more secretive… but if Shori knew… well, Yugo knew he couldn't hold on to hope then. "…I'm so sorry, Kento," he finally managed quietly, his throat tight, his voice barely more than a whisper. "I never meant… but… I guess this needs to end then…?"
As much as Kento had tried to prepare himself for the fact that their conversation might go this way, hearing Yugo actually say they should end things somehow still felt like a shock, making Kento's heart leap into his throat. Because even if he knew it would probably be the right thing to do... hearing it suggested out loud felt awful, and Kento knew that despite everything, it wasn't what he wanted. "I..." he started, biting his lip anxiously, "Shori and I... our relationship... There was already something not right, before this even started." Kento sighed again, glancing over at Yugo. "I don't want to stop," he said quietly, and he wasn't sure if he had really said what he was trying to say, but he hoped Yugo would understand.
Yugo's eyes widened at Kento's words, his mind struggling to comprehend what Kento was saying. Kento… honestly didn't want to end things? Yugo was eager to believe that Kento and Shori's relationship problems weren't his fault, but he was shocked to hear Kento say he wanted to keep their affair going when Shori might be getting hurt in the process. Still, Yugo supposed, he didn't really know what was happening between Kento and Shori, nor should he look a gift horse in the mouth, and so, blinking up at Kento, he couldn't help but squeeze Kento's hand slightly as he asked, "Are you sure…?"
Kento couldn't help but lean into Yugo's side a little when Yugo looked at him, squeezing Yugo's hand back and sighing. "I don't know," he admitted, because of course continuing with their affair didn't really sit right, "But... I know that's what I want. I don't want to hurt him, and I don't want him to find out... But I don't know how anything would get better." It seemed like if they stopped, everything at home would stay just as bad, and Kento would lose his source of support in the process. "I don't want to give this up," he said, looking away from Yugo again.
Kento looked so tired and confused and guilty that all of Yugo's worries and confusions fell out of his mind, instead replaced by the driving desire to provide support for Kento the way Kento was always there for him. And so, leaning closer, he slid his free hand against Kento's cheek, gently angling his face back to meet Yugo's eyes. "Kento," he said softly, hoping Kento could see in his eyes that he really did mean everything he was about to say. "I'm not judging you, and I'm not trying to pressure you into anything. I'll be here for you as long as you need me." Leaning closer, he caught Kento's lips in a brief kiss, nothing too intense, but solid and real all the same. Pulling back after a moment, he offered the most positive face he had, his lips twitching upwards slightly at the sides even despite how hard things had become. "I don't want to give this up, either. So please don't worry about me."
More than anything, Yugo was an amazing friend, and his comforting words and touches on top of all of Kento's conflicting worries and feelings were almost overwhelming, making Kento's throat feel thick with emotion all of a sudden. Swallowing, he looked back at Yugo, unable to keep from smiling a little himself in the face of Yugo's smile. "Thanks," he said, and maybe they couldn't do this forever, but he wanted to be there for Yugo as long as Yugo needed him, too, and he leaned in to press another kiss to Yugo's lips. "I'll... try to be more careful, too," he said, laughing a little.
At Kento's words, Yugo couldn't help but laugh a little bit, too. Things were bad, and they probably weren't going to get any better any time soon, but just knowing he had Kento was enough to loosen at least a little of the knot in Yugo's stomach. "We'll both have to be careful," he agreed, "Fuma can't know we haven't stopped…" And it sounded awful, it felt awful to know they were lying to one of their closest friends now, too, but there was no way around it, Yugo supposed, and there as no point in fretting about it now. "But… I'm glad I can be there for you. And thank you for always being here for me," he finished on a more positive note, and now that they had finally been reunited, Yugo didn't want to spend the whole time fretting about the bad things. Managing a little more of an honest smile, he caught Kento's lips in another kiss, hoping to help them both feel a little better.
Kento kissed Yugo back, finally letting himself relax and enjoy the kiss and remembering just how long it had been since they'd last been able to do this. They would definitely have to be more careful, that was for sure, but for now he was glad that Yugo felt the same way he did, and that they could keep supporting each other this way. Wrapping his arms around Yugo's back, he pulled Yugo closer, kissing him more deeply, because they had a little more time before they had to go back to work, and after so long apart Kento wasn't going to let all of it go to waste on worrying and talking.
It felt good to relax into Kento's arms again, and even once their time together ran out, Yugo was able to get back to work feeling recharged and reassured with the knowledge that he would still have Kento to fall back on when he needed support. He felt a little guilty that he had, for all intents and purposes, lied to Fuma, but he knew he couldn't think too hard about that sort of thing. It was his choice to keep this affair going, and despite how awful it was, he was comforted to know that he would have Kento there for him at his next unavoidable low.
He wasn't expecting, however, to run into Kento by chance in the hallway after they had both finished their photo shoots, and he couldn't help but return Kento's grin when Kento greeted him. While he supposed he shouldn't have been surprised, he also hadn't been expecting Kento to ask if he didn't have a little more time before his next engagement, and he definitely wasn't expecting Kento to lead him to a little closet tucked into a side hallway and pull him inside with a quirk of his eyebrows. Sex in a storage closet wasn't something in which Yugo had indulged since he had been a teenager, and wasn't generally something he thought was a very good idea, but feeling Kento pressed close to him as soon as they had the door shut behind them was too good for Yugo to say no, not after so long apart. He knew they would have to be careful from now on, but… as long as they were quiet, a little indulgence had to be okay once in a while, didn't it?
So things didn't change too much after it felt like everything was going to fall apart, with Kento and Yugo still meeting up whenever they were able, whether it was at one of their apartments during the day or in a dressing room at work or occasionally at Yugo's place on an evening when Jesse had work particularly late. Kento tried not to see Yugo in the evening too often, since he didn't want his family to start to wonder, but sometimes it was too hard to resist when days went by without his schedule lining up with Yugo's at all. Sexy Zone was busy getting in everything that they couldn't do while they were away on tour, and Yugo's play would be opening soon, so when finding time to meet was so hard, it was really hard to be as careful as they should be. Still, Kento tried to be as careful as he could, and as life stayed stressful with work so busy and family life no better, he looked forward to every time he saw Yugo as a time to relax and unwind and forget about his problems.
He tried to push the guilt to the back of his mind, but sometimes at work or at home when he saw Shori looking off into the distance just so, he would remember the song lyrics and the guilt and worry would rise up again, making him feel a little sick to his stomach. But even in that, the only place he had to turn for comfort was Yugo, and he couldn't imagine stopping when he needed Yugo so much and Yugo needed him so much.
Despite all of his marital troubles, though, he still loved his sons, and he especially enjoyed the time he got to spend with Jinsei now that he was getting older and developing more and more of his own personality. Jinsei had always been a smart, happy child, of course, but now he was really growing into a confident, self-assured boy and developing his own tastes and opinions, and Kento couldn't have been prouder of him. One day when they were in the car after Kento picked him up from kindergarten, a new song by WINDstorm (or rather, an old Arashi song newly covered by WINDstorm) came on the radio, and Kento heard a squeal from the backseat. "Papa! Turn it up!!"
Laughing, Kento turned up the volume, glancing at Jinsei's excited grin in the rearview mirror. "You like this song?"
"Duh!" came Jinsei's response, accompanied by a little pout. "I love WINDstorm!!"
Kento smiled, happy that his son was growing up to have such good taste in music. "I didn't know that," he commented.
"I made dances to all their songs and showed them to Papa," Jinsei said, and Kento could hear the pout growing in his voice. "You weren't home for me to show you." And suddenly Kento's heart was in his throat, because Kento hadn't been that busy with work, and several of the most recent afternoons and evenings that he hadn't been home, he'd been with Yugo. And if Jinsei was noticing that he was around less... that couldn't mean anything good for what Shori might be thinking. And even more than that, Kento suddenly felt even guiltier than before, because he was between legs of a tour, when he could be spending quality time with his son... and instead he was off having an affair. Of course, that hadn't been his intention, and of course he did still spend time with his sons, but if Jinsei had noticed Kento being around less... that wasn't a good feeling at all.
Yugo's life went on as usual after Kento came back from his tour; he worked all day, took care of Taira after school, and squeezed in time with Kento whenever he could. It wasn't much, but he got by that way, loving Taira and doing his best to be there for his little juniors and missing Jesse and falling back on Kento when it all got to be too much. Things at work were beginning to pick up, taking up more of his attention and keeping him from spending too much time being lonely as they moved closer and closer to the opening for Endless Shock. Still, despite the fact that he barely had time to eat properly, he managed to squeeze in time with Kento… after all, more work meant more stress, which meant more times that Yugo needed someone to support him…
But despite all the work and the stress, Endless Shock opened without a hitch, and despite the fact that Yugo only got to watch in envy as Taiga and Yuma were greeted by Juri and Shintaro after the show, he had to admit, seeing all the little kids so excited after performing for real, in a real play, congratulating them all before sending them out to their parents… it made up for how thankless rehearsals had been, how tired the whole process had left Yugo, at least a little bit. And as everyone got settled into the run of shows, it got better; performing was much preferable to rehearsing, and while Yugo had never really planned a career in stage performing, Yugo did love singing and dancing, and that, he tried to tell himself, is what mattered.
But then one day, after a full day of performances, Yugo was surprised to come back to find his phone blinking next to his bag in his dressing room. Waking it up, he discovered a text from Jesse, which was unusual, especially when Jesse was out filming on location. But Yugo was even more surprised by the contents of the message, Hey, sorry I can't make it to the show, but I know it was amazing and I want to take you out to celebrate! I'll be by the Imperial Theatre at eight, see you then? Yugo couldn't help putting a hand to his mouth in surprise; this was the sort of thing Jesse used to do when they had been young, but well…recently, he never had that sort of time. But of course, if Jesse wanted to take the time to take him to dinner in the first time in what felt like years, Yugo certainly wasn't going to complain. Checking his watch, he changed out of his costume quickly, eager to see Jesse after a long, tiring day.
Things had been busy ever since Jesse had come back from touring, busier than he would have liked for more than a month now. He loved his work, but he didn't like what he missed because of it, and most recently, Yugo's play had opened, and he still hadn't been able to make it to one of the shows. He felt bad, because he wanted to support Yugo (Yugo always came to the Tokyo runs of Jesse's concerts), and he was sure that the play itself was really good. His schedule just hadn't allowed it, though, until one day he found out that his filming that evening had been cancelled, and he would be finished with work early that day. Not early enough to make it to the show, unfortunately, but early enough to meet Yugo afterwards, and with the next leg of Jesse's tour coming up, a night out together sounded perfect. After calling the babysitter to make sure Taira could be taken care of later than originally planned, he texted Yugo, smiling at the idea of surprising him this way. He was full of anticipation for the rest of the afternoon, and by the time he pulled his car up to a corner a block away from the Imperial Theater a few minutes before eight, he couldn't wait for Yugo to appear.
Pulling a mask over his face and tugging his hat lower over his eyes-- leaving a play was the one time Yugo had to worry about being recognized; he didn't have many, but there were a few fans who still remembered him, waited around for demachi and all the rest-- before walking briskly along the sidewalk to the place Jesse had said he would wait. And sure enough, there he was; Yugo would have recognized him through his disguise even if he hadn't known where to look, and he smiled, hurrying to the passenger's side door. "Hey," he greeted, pulling off his mask and shutting the door behind him, unable to keep the stupidly wide grin off his face, "Fancy meeting you here." It really was almost never that Yugo got to spend a night out with Jesse anymore, and this surprise was making him more stupidly happy than he could contain.
Jesse grinned back at Yugo, reaching over to squeeze his hand before pulling the car back out into the road. "Otsukare~" he said, heading in the direction of a nice restaurant they had liked when they were younger, when they'd had more time to go out. "Sorry I couldn't make it to the show... But my filming was cancelled, so I figured we could celebrate your opening!" He glanced over at Yugo, hoping that his last-minute surprise would be well received. "I made us reservations and called the babysitter," he said. "You've been working so hard to get this play open, you deserve a little celebration~"
Yugo couldn't keep the grin off of his face as he settled into his seat, glancing over at Jesse. "I… I don't know what to say," he admitted, pulling off his hat and running a hand through his hair, messy from the hairspray from stage. Jesse was so sweet-- of course the first thing he had thought of when he had gotten some free time was coming to see Yugo, and while he knew Jesse had to keep his eyes on the road, Yugo couldn't resist leaning over and pressing a quick kiss to his cheek. "Thank you," he added after a moment, his smile softening, "So can I ask where you're taking me? Or is it still part of the surprise?"
"Just a little place we used to like," Jesse said, deciding it couldn't hurt to keep the location a surprise for a little longer. He loved seeing Yugo look so happy, and though he wished he could have seen the play, and that they had time to do this more often, he was glad they were going to be able to spend the evening together, at least. Knowing that he was the one who was making Yugo smile so widely made him feel warm all over, and as they stopped at a red light, Jesse glanced over at Yugo, smiling back at him before looking back at the road. "I love you," he said, because even if Jesse wasn't one to talk about feelings very much, he didn't get to tell Yugo that enough.
I love you, too Yugo wanted to say back, tried to say back, but it caught in his throat as he looked at Jesse, and suddenly, it was hard to breathe. Swallowing, he looked away, not wanting to betray how he was feeling Jesse, not wanting Jesse to think he was unhappy, because he was happy, having Jesse take him out was making him happier than he could describe. But while it was easy to be weak while Jesse was too busy for him, during the weeks that he barely saw Jesse, or worse, the months he didn't see Jesse at all, but when they did get time together, to actually talk, to enjoy one another's company, the guilt began to eat away at Yugo, because more than anything, he did love Jesse, he loved him so much more than he could even begin to explain. So what right did he have, then, to keep lying to Jesse this way? But it was naive, he knew, to think that way; evenings like this came once or twice a year at most, and for the other 363 days, Yugo was left lonely and starved for any sort of affection he could find. It was awful… but it was life, and so Yugo did his best to swallow back his guilt and enjoy this chance. Still, something about the way Jesse had described the restaurant where they were going made Yugo nervously remember the night that his affair with Kento had really begun, and even as he managed to smile again, looking back over at Jesse, he couldn't quite shake the guilt squeezing in his chest.
Despite Kento's growing sense of guilt, things continued as they had for a few weeks, with Kento and Yugo meeting up secretly whenever they could. Kento tried to be smarter about it, to be home with his kids more often in the evenings, but when his and Yugo's schedules were both so busy, it was hard to find time during the day... and it was hard to go more than a few days without seeing Yugo. It was only after Jesse's band left for the next leg of their tour that it became difficult to be even marginally more careful, though. With Jesse out of town, Yugo had an empty house (and an empty bed) every night after his son was asleep, and with things as bad at home as they were for Kento, it was hard to turn down Yugo's invitations. If things had been uncomfortable with Shori on tour, things had moved past uncomfortable into something that felt totally unsalvageable, like their relationship had finally fallen over the edge of the cliff they'd been rolling towards, and most days... Kento really didn't want to face it. So instead he found himself in Yugo's arms, in Yugo's bed, something they hadn't dared to do before now, trying to forget his troubles and help Yugo forget his as well.
Even after what they had said about being careful, despite all the trouble with Fuma and Shori, despite the growing sense of guilt in Yugo's stomach every time Jesse kissed him good morning and greeted him in the evening, things only got worse over the next few weeks. They continued to meet secretly as often as ever, stealing kisses behind locked dressing room doors and meeting up while Shori was out and Kento was alone with the baby… but things turned worse than ever when Jesse left again for the next segment of his tour, this time another three weeks to Osaka, Kobe, and Hiroshima. Yugo and Kento kept up at the same rate they had been for the first few days, but soon, the long, lonely nights in his cold, lonely bed got to be too much, and despite how much he knew he shouldn't, Yugo found himself asking Kento if he couldn't stay the night. He wasn't sure what he was expecting, what he was hoping for, but Kento was surprisingly receptive, and soon, Yugo found Kento in his bed more nights than not. He tried not to think about what it meant that he had asked Kento to take Jesse's place now in basically every way, that he was waking up each morning beside someone who very distinctly was not his husband, because having Kento's warm body to cling to through the long lonely nights was practically a necessity to Yugo by now.
The only thing that worried him about the whole setup was Taira; he tried hurrying Kento out the door before waking Taira once, and Kento hadn't argued, of course, Kento understood how important it was to keep their kids from finding out, but he had looked so tired and worn out and unwell when Yugo had bid him goodbye that Yugo couldn't find it in his heart to keep it up. And so, more often than not, Taira caught a glimpse of Kento or two in the morning, on the way out the door, at the very least, and while Yugo was sure the six year old had no reason to question Yugo's explanation that Kento was a friend who was helping him out with some things for work, it still felt all wrong.
But the loneliness was worse, and so things didn't change for the next two weeks. They were a mess, Yugo thought, wondering what he was going to do as the day of Jesse's return came closer, two weeks, one week, three days, two days, one day… But he couldn't face the prospect of going to bed alone anymore, not when they let things go on this way already, and so the night before Jesse was to return, despite the fact that Yugo was beginning to feel as if they had lost control of the situation altogether, he found himself climbing into bed beside Kento and curling into his side, desperate for the comfort that it seemed he couldn't find anywhere else anymore.
Kento pulled Yugo close, finding Yugo's lips with his own and trying not to think about the fact that this was the last night they would be able to do this for who knew how long, that Yugo's husband was coming back to Tokyo in less than 24 hours, that things had gotten so out of hand that Kento was spending almost every night in the place that should have been Jesse's to avoid his own problems... But he didn't know what else to do anymore, they were so deep in whatever this was, and Kento didn't know what to do besides cling to Yugo and kiss him and try not to think about anything else.
Yugo couldn't help but melt into Kento's kiss almost instantly; he didn't have the strength anymore to hold himself up, to think, to do anything but depend on Kento. Kento's body was warm where usually, there would only be cold emptiness, and Yugo wrapped an arm around Kento's shoulders, finger curling against his skin, anything to feel secure, as if Kento would never leave him. It ought to be embarrassing, really, just how weak and needy he had become, but the thought of being here alone was too terrifying, and so he kissed Kento back with everything he had, trying to forget how awful everything else was and to lose himself into Kento.
Yugo's lips were hot against Kento's, his hands cool against Kento's back, and Kento wrapped his arms around Yugo's waist, pushing up Yugo's t-shirt to feel more of his skin. He pulled Yugo closer in the process, so their torsos were flush against each other, and it felt so good to be close to Yugo, like he could hide from everything else in Yugo's warmth and kisses. "Yugo," Kento murmured, kissing him again and pushing his t-shirt up farther, sighing at the way Yugo's mouth opened up for him.
"Oh god, Kento," Yugo gasped in response, kissing Kento back and trying to press even closer still. The feeling of Kento's skin against his own was a welcome one, and Yugo didn't want to move away even for a second, even to get his shirt the rest of the way off. Just being this way, being so close, Kento's lips pressed to his own, Kento's body pressed up against his was everything Yugo wanted right now, the feeling of being connected to another person, having someone there for him, to support him… It was enough to make Yugo's mind blank with feeling, enough to make him forget all the long, lonely nights, the tiring days, the weeks, the months, the years that he had spent practically without Jesse, and in that moment, Yugo felt as if the only person he needed in the world was Kento--
But then a knock at the door quickly followed by a wavering call of, "Papa…?" practically made Yugo's heart leap out of his chest, and before he could even figure out what was happening, he was leaping out of bed, tugging on his disheveled shirt and hurrying to the door. Adrenaline was pumping through his veins, but despite everything, all he could think about was Taira as he pulled the door open, dropping down onto his knees to be at eye level with his son. Taira looked back at him pathetically, tears in his eyes and running down his face, his favourite stuffed animal clutched between his arms. "I had a bad dream," he explained before Yugo even had the chance to respond, sniffing as another tear rolled down his cheek, and Yugo didn't even know what he was feeling anymore. It felt as if his heart, his nerves, his everything were going through a ringer, but if there was one thing he knew, it was that his son came first, and so he pulled Taira close, petting his hair comfortingly and letting Taira wipe his tears in Yugo's t-shirt. "Baby, it's going to be okay," he comforted, pulling back after a moment to meet Taira's eyes again. "It was just a bad dream, Papa's here now."
Taira nodded slowly, regarding Yugo for a moment as if he weren't entirely convinced before glancing over Yugo's shoulder, and Yugo knew there was only one thing he could be looking at. Still, he swallowed back the feelings of guilt and confusion and god only knew what else, wiping away the rest of Taira's tears with his thumb. "Come on, let me take you back to bed," he offered, giving Taira a smile, and Taira only hesitated for a moment before smiling back and letting Yugo scoop him into his arms.
Taira had always been a good boy about going to bed, and sure enough, by the time Yugo got him the short distance to his bedroom, setting him gently back into his bed and pulling up the covers around him, Taira was calm again, smiling up at Yugo from where he lay. As Yugo was rising to bid him goodnight and leave, however, Taira blinked up at him, a look of confusion coming over his features as he asked, "Papa, why is Nakajima-san always here while Daddy's away? It is because you get lonely without him, too?"
And somehow, more than anything in this whole mess, hearing those words come out of his son's mouth felt like a stab to Yugo's chest, and he struggled to catch his breath and manage to think at all, not to mention figure out an answer to Taira's question. As Yugo was still reeling, however, Taira continued, "When I slept over with Kensou it made me feel less lonely, too. Good night, Papa."
"Good night, honey," Yugo responded, leaning in to give Taira one last kiss goodnight before closing the door behind him and turning back to his own bedroom. He was practically on autopilot, however, could barely think… because Taira had caught on to something about he and Kento. Maybe he still believed that Kento was only a friend, maybe he understood that, just like Taira missed his Daddy, Yugo missed Jesse while he was away, too… but the fact of the matter was that Taira had seen Kento in Yugo's bed, had practically walked in on Kento and Yugo… and if the door hadn't been locked, if Taira hadn't knocked…
It was all too much, and by the time he made it back to Kento, Yugo suddenly felt like he were the one having a bad dream. Only this wasn't a dream, it was Yugo's life, and he had royally screwed it up. Dropping back down on the bed, Yugo put his head in his hands, unable to find the words to explain the situation, unable to even face Kento like this.
Kento barely knew what was happening before Yugo was springing away from him and running to the bedroom door to reveal a teary-eyed Taira. Kento's heart was practically beating out of his chest with adrenaline, and suddenly Taira was looking right at him over Yugo's shoulder and Kento really had no idea what to do as Yugo carried Taira back to his bedroom. Even if Taira hadn't seen them kissing, he had seen Kento in Yugo's bed... Who knew what he would be asking Yugo in the other room? They had gotten so careless as to get walked in on in bed by Yugo's son, and suddenly, as much as Kento had tried to push it all out of his mind, it felt like things had really gotten out of hand. He ran a hand through his hair, sitting up the rest of the way as Yugo came back into the room. He didn't know what to say at Yugo sat heavily on the bed, though, and he bit his lip nervously, reaching out to touch Yugo's shoulder. As worried and guilty as Kento felt, he was sure Yugo must feel even worse after being walked in on by his own son. "What did he say?" he asked tentatively.
Yugo sighed heavily, shaking his head. "He asked me why you were always here when his other dad was out of town. If I was lonely." He could still hear Taira's words echoing in the back of his head, and that on its own felt like enough to crush him… and worse, he couldn't fall back on Kento, not now, not… well, not after that was what had almost gotten them caught by Yugo's six year old son. The worst part, though, was that Taira had seen right through them… and if a child could guess what was going on between them, that couldn't say much for the rest of the world. And more importantly, this affair had gotten to the point where it had very nearly hurt someone Yugo loved more than anyone else in the world, the point where it might have destroyed his family… and it was all his fault. He had somehow let this whole thing get so far out of hand that he was prioritizing his own selfish need for comfort over his family, his son, and that, Yugo knew, couldn't go on. Still, Yugo had no idea what to do, where to go from here, and he ran his hands through his hair, sinking in on himself. "I don't know what to do, Kento. How did it come to this?" he asked pathetically, feeling as if his whole world was crumbling in, and he didn't have anyone to blame but himself.
With the naivete of a child, Taira had gotten the situation exactly right, and Kento couldn't imagine how Yugo must have felt hearing him say that, hearing his own child ask if he was spending nights with another man because he was lonely... But they couldn't keep doing this, if Taira had everything figured out, and it was obvious, now, that no matter how hard they tried to keep things in check, to be careful, it wasn't going to work. Things had gone too far. "I don't know, either," Kento admitted, keeping his hand on Yugo's shoulder, because even if comforting each other was what had gotten them into this mess to begin with... they were certainly past the point of no return now, so Kento didn't think there was any point in depriving themselves of a little comfort. "We... can't keep going this way, I guess."
At Kento's words, suddenly, it felt as if at the same time a weight dropped to the pit of Yugo's stomach and lifted off his chest. He was right-- they couldn't keep going like this, not now, not when they had let things get so out of control. It was hard to remember, now, that this had started with just a few meetings everyone once in a while, once or twice a week when they were really lonely… and now Kento had been in bed with Yugo almost every night for the past two weeks. It was one thing for Yugo to say that he was lonely, that he needed support… but at the end of the day, he loved Jesse and he loved his family, and he knew that a secret relationship would only pull apart everything he had worked so hard to keep together. He cared so much about Kento as one of his closest friends from childhood, as someone he'd grown so close to now, as someone who had been there for him when he needed someone the most… but he didn't love Kento, not the same way that he loved Jesse, not the same way he loved his family, and at the end of the day, he knew Kento felt the same way. They had come to one another for comfort but had somehow let it turn into so much more, and while Yugo knew that it hadn't been right in the beginning… it wasn't even close to right now. And so, with a sigh, he leaned into Kento slightly, letting his head fall to rest on Kento's shoulder. "You're right… we can't." And it felt good to say it, somehow, despite the scariness of pushing away the thing he had so come to depend on… it felt good, all the same to think that maybe, one day, they wouldn't have to keep looking over their shoulders, they wouldn't have to feel guilty, they could just be friends, friends who went places together in public and hung out with other friends and spent time with one another's children without fear. But the thought of their families brought another issue to the forefront of Yugo's mind, and he sunk further into Kento, his voice barely more than a murmur as he added, "I guess… this has gone on for so long… we'll have to come clean, huh?"
Hearing Yugo agree that they had to stop was scary, after so long thinking that there was no way he could stop seeing Yugo, no way he could get through the day without this to fall back on, and Kento moved his arm to wrap around Yugo's shoulders, leaning into him instinctively. He had come to depend on this so much... but at the same time, now that it had finally been said, now that what Kento had been dreading had actually happened, it almost felt right, because looking back on everything, it had all spiraled so far out of control. Kento barely saw his family anymore, his family he loved so much, his kids whose lives he was missing too much of, Shori who he was hurting so much. And on top of that, what had become of his friendship with Yugo that he had been so happy to find again--sneaking around guiltily and meeting up late at night, and that was no way to have a friendship. But then Yugo brought up coming clean, and suddenly Kento's heart was in his throat all over again. Could he really come clean about all of this? And even more than that... was there any way that Shori would forgive him? He barely understood what had started their relationship on its downward spiral anymore, only that it had gotten infinitely worse when he had started seeing Yugo, and that at this point... he had no idea what Shori thought of him anymore. Some part of him knew they had to come clean, but it was hard to imagine actually doing it. Looking over at Yugo, Kento swallowed nervously. "Do you think you can?"
It was a good question; the thought of hurting Jesse as much as coming clean would was horrifying to Yugo… but at the end of the day, it wasn't the confessing, but the actual act that was hurtful to Jesse, and after so long like this, after his every-now-and-again meetings with Kento had somehow turned into a full blown affair… Yugo knew that he couldn't continue to have a real relationship with Jesse without being honest. The truth of the matter was that he loved Jesse too much, and so he nodded, looking back up at Kento and doing his best to give what he hoped was a comforting smile. "I have to," he replied, surprised at how steady his voice sounded despite how he was feeling, "I love him too much to keep lying to him." But he knew his situation with Jesse was a far cry from Kento's, and he leaned closer, nuzzling into the crook of Kento's neck as comfortingly as he knew how. "Whatever you decide to do with Shori, though… I'll support you, and be here for you if you need me… so good luck?"
Kento nodded, leaning his head into Yugo's. What Yugo was saying made sense... because how could he ever have a normal relationship with Shori again with a secret like this weighing on him? And he wanted to, more than anything, Kento wanted things to be good with Shori again, as much as he had been trying not to think about it for the past few months. Because he loved Shori so much, he loved what they had had together before everything had gone to hell... but he didn't know if that was too much to hope for. There was no way that things were going to get better if Kento didn't come clean, though--the months of feeling like things could never change were enough to tell him that much. And Yugo was steady against him, and knowing that Yugo would be there for him helped, even as the idea that things would never really be the same between him and Yugo weighed Kento down. Because even if it had been wrong from the start, Yugo had been there for him through a lot, and even though he knew they had to end it, Kento would miss being so close with Yugo. "Thanks," he said softly. "You too..." He sighed, closing his eyes for a moment. "I'm going to miss this."
At Kento's words, Yugo felt his throat tighten and his eyes get hot, because Kento was right-- everything else aside, he had been through a lot with Kento, and he had come to trust Kento so much. They had held one another together through the roughest time of probably both of their lives, and Yugo didn't want to lose that feeling of security, of mutual reliance that they had somehow built together. He remembered how much it had hurt to lose Kento the first time, then they were nothing but kids, and how much he regretted that they had grown apart as they got older, and how genuinely happy he had been that they could be friends together…
But that was what was important, wasn't it? Being friends. Honestly, the sex with Kento had been amazing; opening up to someone completely and really trusting that person to take care of him, to help him forget all the bad had been amazing, but at the end of the day, Yugo hadn't been in this whole affair for the sex. And it wasn't that he was in love with Kento, either; Kento was so, so important to him, but the way he felt towards Kento was completely different from the sort of love that he felt for Jesse… and so, things didn't have to change so much, did they? Everything they had shared-- laughing and reminiscing over good times, crying over their personal struggles, holding one another up when they needed a shoulder and pushing one another forward when they needed help getting off in the right direction… none of that had to change. And so, Yugo slipped a hand around Kento's giving his fingers a squeeze and leaning even closer into Kento's side. "You won't have to," he replied, and he honestly meant it: if there was one good thing in this whole mess, Yugo knew it was the friendship that he had built again with Kento, and he didn't want to lose it. "Nothing really has to change. Without the guilt and the lies… it will just be us again. You and me, wherever we want, whenever we want…" And Yugo couldn't help the few tears that broke free, spilling over his cheeks. It was scary, but he knew that this time, he wouldn't just sit back and let Kento drift away.
Kento nodded into Yugo's hair, swallowing hard and letting his words sink in. He wanted them to be true, he wanted to still have Yugo's support and friendship and everything they had between them. Despite all the guilt and the lies, Kento had a lot of good memories with Yugo over the past few months, but when he really thought about it... they were all things that they could still have, if they came out of this okay. Laughing together, reminiscing together, sharing their problems, sitting close and sharing hugs. Of course, the sex had been great, they were such close friends and Yugo had always been good in bed (and maybe sometime Kento would be able to joke about that again), and they had both so badly wanted the escape, but the sex wasn't what he would miss, when he thought about it. So if what Yugo was saying was true... and why shouldn't it be? If they wanted to be friends, if they wanted to be close, then they would be. They deserved that. Squeezing Yugo's shoulder, Kento nodded again. "That sounds good," he said, and it really did sound good when Yugo said it. "I... I'm glad I have you right now." And maybe that was weird, because their relationship had gotten them into this whole mess, but Kento was so glad to have Yugo while they were getting themselves out of it, and he wasn't going to let it force them apart.
Yugo nodded into Kento's shoulder, squeezing his hand again. Despite all the trouble they had gotten into, despite everything they shouldn't have done that they had gone ahead and done anyway… Yugo really, truly was grateful to Kento for being there for him through everything, and even though they had let a lot of bad come along with it… they had managed to rebuild what they had had together as kids, had managed to make something more of it, a real friendship, and that was something, Yugo thought, that might just outweigh all the regrets. "Thank you, Kento… for everything. I mean it." And looking back on the whole affair now, they had made a lot of mistakes, but, Yugo thought, maybe they had done a few things right, too. Having a friend who really prioritized spending time together, who really trusted Yugo with his problems and who put himself on the line to help Yugo, too… it had been a long time since Yugo had been that close with Fuma, with anyone, really, and he knew, no mattered what happened, now that he had built this friendship with Kento, he wasn't going to lose it. "No matter what… we'll always have each other."
And while it was hard right now, while Yugo felt weak and scared, at least he wasn't alone, and at least he could be here for Kento. It was a comforting enough thought that Yugo was able to crawl back under the covers beside Kento and eventually sleep, curled up against Kento's side for the last time. And in the morning, after waking Taira and laying out his uniform for him, Yugo lingered with Kento in the genkan, feeling unstable and unsure all over again at the thought of sending Kento out for good. "Thank you," he repeated, unsure if he could say it enough now, in the face of things changing again, but he had to, there was nowhere to go from here but forward. "I'll… I'll tell Jesse tomorrow. I don't think I can do it on his first night back." Hopefully Kento would understand, because Yugo just couldn't bear the thought of dumping such a horrible thing in Jesse's lap after a long day of traveling and separation. "I'll tell you how it goes… but… text me until then?" It was hard to talk about all of this with a straight face, and even now, Yugo could feel his throat getting tight again, his hands shaking until the emotion overwhelmed him and he couldn't hold back anymore, wrapping his arms tightly around Kento's body and wishing he could just hold on this way forever. "Oh Kento, what am I going to do without you?" he murmured into Kento's shoulder, his voice muffled and wavering at the uncertainty of their future.
Kento hugged Yugo back just as tightly, the thought of going back home, of facing his problems, of everything changing weighing heavily on him. But even if everything was changing, Kento didn't want to do without Yugo, because even with all the mistakes... it felt like Yugo really understood him, and that wasn't something he had felt about a friend in a long time. "You don't have to do without me," he said. "Right? We can... do it right this time." He laughed a little into Yugo's hair. "I'll text... let me know how it goes." Kento sighed, unable to keep from worrying about his own confrontation as he thought about Yugo's. "I don't think I can do it without you," he admitted, as weak as that sounded.
Kento's words, simple as they were, were somehow exactly what Yugo needed to hear, and he smiled back, leaning his head against Kento's shoulder. We can do it right this time, Kento had said, and he was right. They would straighten things out, turn them in the right direction this time, support and help one another without using each other as an escape from the problems they'd have to face at one point or another, anyway. And so, taking a deep breath, Yugo drew all the strength that Kento had given him up inside of himself and pulled back, meeting Kento's eyes with a sad smile. "You don't have to do it without me. I'll be right here when you need me," he replied, taking Kento's hands into his own and giving them a squeeze. Things were scary right now, but knowing that they had one another was enough for Yugo, and he hoped that he could be enough to support Kento, too. "Thank you," he repeated quietly, looking into Kento's eyes for a long moment before leaning in to brush one last brief kiss to Kento's lips. "I'll see you later…?"
Kento nodded, squeezing Yugo's hands back. "I'll see you later," he agreed, smiling back at Yugo. "And... thanks for everything." It was sad to be saying goodbye this way, but they both agreed that it wasn't really goodbye, and it was up to them to make that happen. It was hard to face going home to all his problems, but Yugo would still be there for him to fall back on, so... things would work out, somehow. Forcing himself to let go of Yugo's hands, Kento stepped back, picking up his bag. "Check your phone," he said, his smile quirking up at the corners. "I'll talk to you later."
Yugo nodded, smiling tearily as he waved goodbye to Kento one last time, and he couldn't help lingering a moment afterwards in the genkan, tears in his eyes as he tried to build up his strength for the emotional turmoil that was going to be the next two days. It was hard when he knew there was no reprieve in sight, when he didn't just have Kento to fall back on, but he knew he had to, and despite how weak he'd been for the past few months, Yugo had always been good at pulling himself together when he needed to, had always been good at being strong and pushing forward even in the worst situations, and so he swallowed back his tears and put on his best smile and went to make Taira some breakfast.
Part 9
Kento and Yugo had made plans to meet up just a few days after Kento returned to Tokyo, on a day when they were scheduled for photo shoots in the same building again, and Kento wasn't sure whether he should be looking forward to it or dreading it. He couldn't wait to see Yugo again, and he had missed Yugo so badly, but now... he didn't know what it was going to be like. He knew that Fuma had talked to Yugo, but he didn't know what Yugo was going to want to do now that Fuma knew about their affair, and Kento didn't even know what he wanted to do.
The day before he was supposed to meet up with Yugo, Kento had had another stupid fight with Shori, and that wasn't helping his current state of confusion. It had been over a meeting, of all things; the meeting had been scheduled as a staff meeting about the next leg of their tour, but Shori had thought they should attend as well. The worst part was that normally, Kento would probably have been all for that sort of thing, for being more involved in concert planning, but after the uncomfortableness of their whole tour, Kento really wasn't ready for more meetings together with his bandmates. And then when Shori said he really thought they should go, and Kento said he didn't want to, it just felt like Shori was telling him what to do, and as usual, things went downhill from there. It was always awful to fight, and Kento didn't know what he was going to do if he couldn't get some comfort from Yugo the next day... but then he had seen Shori's notebook, accidentally left open on the table to a set of partially-written lyrics: I feel like I'm losing you... Kento had been hit with a sudden wave of guilt, because all along, he had been thinking of the affair as something just between himself and Yugo, but now Fuma had found out, and like a punch to the stomach, it was suddenly obvious that Shori couldn't be all that ignorant, either. Even if he hadn't overheard like Fuma, even if he didn't know what was going on or where Kento went in his free time, what was happening in their relationship was hurting Shori, too--and maybe it was only a matter of time before he found out everything.
So it was with all these worries and an uncomfortable feeling of guilt that Kento went to find Yugo in his dressing room at the appointed time, eager to finally see Yugo again but not sure how to feel about everything else as he knocked on the door and waited for Yugo to answer.
His conversation with Fuma didn't do much to change Yugo's opinion of what he was doing with Kento-- of course it was wrong, of course he shouldn't be cheating on Jesse-- but it also didn't do much to make him feel any less nervous or guilty. He didn't think he could possibly be making his relationship with Jesse much worse when anymore, it felt like they didn't have much of a relationship beyond that of people who happened to live in the same house and occasionally care for the same child, but one thing Fuma had said was true: if Fuma had found out, other people were bound to if they didn't change. What that change needed to be, Yugo wasn't sure, but he knew it was something he had to discuss with Kento.
And so, Yugo and Kento made plans to meet up one day when they happened to have work in the same building. Thankfully, it was during the day, which meant Taira was at school and Yugo was obligation free in his down time as he waited in his dressing room. Still, he was anxious and on edge, tossing the events of the past week around in his head over and over again until finally, there was a knock at the door. The noise made him jump, but he stood hurriedly, rushing to the door and peering outside before opening it all the way. "Kento--" he exhaled, though he wasn't sure if it was more of a greeting or a sigh of relief, and he wasn't sure, either, when he had started calling Kento almost exclusively by his given name. He didn't want to think about the implications of that, either, but he supposed they were going to have to… still, for now, he hovered by the door, waiting for Kento to come in and close the door behind him, feeling as if he needed a warm embrace now more than ever.
The moment Kento saw Yugo, despite all his conflicting feelings, all he wanted to do was hug him as tightly as he could. "Yugo," he replied, stepping into the room, and maybe it was a terrible idea, but he couldn't bring himself to care, pulling Yugo close as soon as the door was shut and locked behind him. "Fuck, I missed you," he breathed, hugging his arms tightly around Yugo's back, and he really had missed this feeling so much. They had to talk about everything, he knew, but for the moment he didn't want to face it, he just wanted to enjoy being close to Yugo for a little longer.
When Kento pulled Yugo immediately into a hug, Yugo couldn't help but let out a shaky breath, melting into Kento's arms and burying his face in Kento's shoulder. Wrapped his arms around Kento's waist in return, Yugo nodded into the warmth of Kento's neck, not wanting to move away even to talk. "Oh god, Kento…" he murmured, muffled against Kento's skin, "I've missed you so much." And maybe that was awful, but it was true; in Jesse's almost constant absence, Yugo was keenly aware of not having Kento around, either, and it had been hard, surviving for the past few weeks without him. He didn't want to think about anything else, despite all their problems… he just wanted to stay here in Kento's arms forever, wrong as it might be.
Kento squeezed Yugo tightly, relaxing into the embrace and breathing into Yugo's hair. He didn't want to move now that he was finally close to Yugo again, and he especially didn't want to think about any of the problems they had to deal with. But at the same time, all the things he had been thinking about were still at the back of his mind making him feel guilty and worried, and even in Yugo's arms he couldn't quite shake the unpleasant feeling in his stomach. Loosening his arms around Yugo and stepping back just far enough to look Yugo in the eye, Kento sighed, keeping his hands linked behind Yugo. "I don't know what to do," he said.
When Kento drew back, Yugo felt as if his heart suddenly leapt into his throat, and he couldn't bear to keep looking at Kento, not when things were suddenly so uncertain. "I don't know either," he replied quietly, wishing Kento hadn't moved so far away when Yugo felt, at a time like this, he needed Kento's support the most. "I talked to Fuma…" he started waveringly, but, unsure of what he wanted to say, he trailed off, feeling small and awash even with Kento's hands still resting in the small of his back. He hated this, when having Kento was basically all that was holding him together anymore, and before he knew what he was doing, "You don't…. you don't want to…?" was tumbling out of his mouth, because if Kento was scared now that Fuma knew, if he wanted to end things… Yugo didn't know what he was going to do.
Kento shook his head, frowning and trying to figure out what to say. Yugo looked just as upset and worried as Kento felt, and despite everything, despite the guilt over hurting Shori and the worry about the truth coming out, Kento didn't want to stop, he didn't want to give up what he had with Yugo. Taking hold of Yugo's hand, Kento nodded questioningly towards the small sofa furnishing Yugo's dressing room, leading him over to it and sitting down close together. "I really... don't want to stop," he started, "But..." And he wasn't sure how to say it, because Kento hated talking about complicated feelings and things that were worrying him or worse, things that he regretted. But he couldn't just ignore this, and he sighed heavily, holding onto Yugo's hand more tightly and staring down at the floor. "I don't want Shori to find out, and... he already knows something's not right..." It's already hurting him, he thought, but there was no way he could admit that out loud.
At Kento's words, Yugo felt as if the carpet had been pulled out from beneath him, and his stomach lurched in fear and anxiety. If Shori knew something was wrong… if Kento's husband was catching on… then what could that possibly mean for Yugo's own marriage? He was sure Kento must have been being careful; obviously he wouldn't have flaunted that he was having an affair in front of his husband… which meant that it could only be a matter of time before Yugo's husband realized something was up, too, didn't it? Yugo couldn't stomach the thought of Jesse ever thinking anything was wrong with their marriage; Yugo loved Jesse, despite everything, loved him more than he could even explain, which was why he couldn't ask too much of him, which was why he had to fall back on Kento… but if Jesse ever suspected anything was wrong, it would destroy Yugo, simply break him to pieces.
So then… if Kento thought Shori was figuring things out… that must mean that everything was over. Yugo couldn't imagine what Kento must be feeling now, and things were so much worse than Yugo had originally thought. Fuma knowing was one thing, and while it was awful of him, he had thought they could get around it, that they could be more careful, more secretive… but if Shori knew… well, Yugo knew he couldn't hold on to hope then. "…I'm so sorry, Kento," he finally managed quietly, his throat tight, his voice barely more than a whisper. "I never meant… but… I guess this needs to end then…?"
As much as Kento had tried to prepare himself for the fact that their conversation might go this way, hearing Yugo actually say they should end things somehow still felt like a shock, making Kento's heart leap into his throat. Because even if he knew it would probably be the right thing to do... hearing it suggested out loud felt awful, and Kento knew that despite everything, it wasn't what he wanted. "I..." he started, biting his lip anxiously, "Shori and I... our relationship... There was already something not right, before this even started." Kento sighed again, glancing over at Yugo. "I don't want to stop," he said quietly, and he wasn't sure if he had really said what he was trying to say, but he hoped Yugo would understand.
Yugo's eyes widened at Kento's words, his mind struggling to comprehend what Kento was saying. Kento… honestly didn't want to end things? Yugo was eager to believe that Kento and Shori's relationship problems weren't his fault, but he was shocked to hear Kento say he wanted to keep their affair going when Shori might be getting hurt in the process. Still, Yugo supposed, he didn't really know what was happening between Kento and Shori, nor should he look a gift horse in the mouth, and so, blinking up at Kento, he couldn't help but squeeze Kento's hand slightly as he asked, "Are you sure…?"
Kento couldn't help but lean into Yugo's side a little when Yugo looked at him, squeezing Yugo's hand back and sighing. "I don't know," he admitted, because of course continuing with their affair didn't really sit right, "But... I know that's what I want. I don't want to hurt him, and I don't want him to find out... But I don't know how anything would get better." It seemed like if they stopped, everything at home would stay just as bad, and Kento would lose his source of support in the process. "I don't want to give this up," he said, looking away from Yugo again.
Kento looked so tired and confused and guilty that all of Yugo's worries and confusions fell out of his mind, instead replaced by the driving desire to provide support for Kento the way Kento was always there for him. And so, leaning closer, he slid his free hand against Kento's cheek, gently angling his face back to meet Yugo's eyes. "Kento," he said softly, hoping Kento could see in his eyes that he really did mean everything he was about to say. "I'm not judging you, and I'm not trying to pressure you into anything. I'll be here for you as long as you need me." Leaning closer, he caught Kento's lips in a brief kiss, nothing too intense, but solid and real all the same. Pulling back after a moment, he offered the most positive face he had, his lips twitching upwards slightly at the sides even despite how hard things had become. "I don't want to give this up, either. So please don't worry about me."
More than anything, Yugo was an amazing friend, and his comforting words and touches on top of all of Kento's conflicting worries and feelings were almost overwhelming, making Kento's throat feel thick with emotion all of a sudden. Swallowing, he looked back at Yugo, unable to keep from smiling a little himself in the face of Yugo's smile. "Thanks," he said, and maybe they couldn't do this forever, but he wanted to be there for Yugo as long as Yugo needed him, too, and he leaned in to press another kiss to Yugo's lips. "I'll... try to be more careful, too," he said, laughing a little.
At Kento's words, Yugo couldn't help but laugh a little bit, too. Things were bad, and they probably weren't going to get any better any time soon, but just knowing he had Kento was enough to loosen at least a little of the knot in Yugo's stomach. "We'll both have to be careful," he agreed, "Fuma can't know we haven't stopped…" And it sounded awful, it felt awful to know they were lying to one of their closest friends now, too, but there was no way around it, Yugo supposed, and there as no point in fretting about it now. "But… I'm glad I can be there for you. And thank you for always being here for me," he finished on a more positive note, and now that they had finally been reunited, Yugo didn't want to spend the whole time fretting about the bad things. Managing a little more of an honest smile, he caught Kento's lips in another kiss, hoping to help them both feel a little better.
Kento kissed Yugo back, finally letting himself relax and enjoy the kiss and remembering just how long it had been since they'd last been able to do this. They would definitely have to be more careful, that was for sure, but for now he was glad that Yugo felt the same way he did, and that they could keep supporting each other this way. Wrapping his arms around Yugo's back, he pulled Yugo closer, kissing him more deeply, because they had a little more time before they had to go back to work, and after so long apart Kento wasn't going to let all of it go to waste on worrying and talking.
It felt good to relax into Kento's arms again, and even once their time together ran out, Yugo was able to get back to work feeling recharged and reassured with the knowledge that he would still have Kento to fall back on when he needed support. He felt a little guilty that he had, for all intents and purposes, lied to Fuma, but he knew he couldn't think too hard about that sort of thing. It was his choice to keep this affair going, and despite how awful it was, he was comforted to know that he would have Kento there for him at his next unavoidable low.
He wasn't expecting, however, to run into Kento by chance in the hallway after they had both finished their photo shoots, and he couldn't help but return Kento's grin when Kento greeted him. While he supposed he shouldn't have been surprised, he also hadn't been expecting Kento to ask if he didn't have a little more time before his next engagement, and he definitely wasn't expecting Kento to lead him to a little closet tucked into a side hallway and pull him inside with a quirk of his eyebrows. Sex in a storage closet wasn't something in which Yugo had indulged since he had been a teenager, and wasn't generally something he thought was a very good idea, but feeling Kento pressed close to him as soon as they had the door shut behind them was too good for Yugo to say no, not after so long apart. He knew they would have to be careful from now on, but… as long as they were quiet, a little indulgence had to be okay once in a while, didn't it?
So things didn't change too much after it felt like everything was going to fall apart, with Kento and Yugo still meeting up whenever they were able, whether it was at one of their apartments during the day or in a dressing room at work or occasionally at Yugo's place on an evening when Jesse had work particularly late. Kento tried not to see Yugo in the evening too often, since he didn't want his family to start to wonder, but sometimes it was too hard to resist when days went by without his schedule lining up with Yugo's at all. Sexy Zone was busy getting in everything that they couldn't do while they were away on tour, and Yugo's play would be opening soon, so when finding time to meet was so hard, it was really hard to be as careful as they should be. Still, Kento tried to be as careful as he could, and as life stayed stressful with work so busy and family life no better, he looked forward to every time he saw Yugo as a time to relax and unwind and forget about his problems.
He tried to push the guilt to the back of his mind, but sometimes at work or at home when he saw Shori looking off into the distance just so, he would remember the song lyrics and the guilt and worry would rise up again, making him feel a little sick to his stomach. But even in that, the only place he had to turn for comfort was Yugo, and he couldn't imagine stopping when he needed Yugo so much and Yugo needed him so much.
Despite all of his marital troubles, though, he still loved his sons, and he especially enjoyed the time he got to spend with Jinsei now that he was getting older and developing more and more of his own personality. Jinsei had always been a smart, happy child, of course, but now he was really growing into a confident, self-assured boy and developing his own tastes and opinions, and Kento couldn't have been prouder of him. One day when they were in the car after Kento picked him up from kindergarten, a new song by WINDstorm (or rather, an old Arashi song newly covered by WINDstorm) came on the radio, and Kento heard a squeal from the backseat. "Papa! Turn it up!!"
Laughing, Kento turned up the volume, glancing at Jinsei's excited grin in the rearview mirror. "You like this song?"
"Duh!" came Jinsei's response, accompanied by a little pout. "I love WINDstorm!!"
Kento smiled, happy that his son was growing up to have such good taste in music. "I didn't know that," he commented.
"I made dances to all their songs and showed them to Papa," Jinsei said, and Kento could hear the pout growing in his voice. "You weren't home for me to show you." And suddenly Kento's heart was in his throat, because Kento hadn't been that busy with work, and several of the most recent afternoons and evenings that he hadn't been home, he'd been with Yugo. And if Jinsei was noticing that he was around less... that couldn't mean anything good for what Shori might be thinking. And even more than that, Kento suddenly felt even guiltier than before, because he was between legs of a tour, when he could be spending quality time with his son... and instead he was off having an affair. Of course, that hadn't been his intention, and of course he did still spend time with his sons, but if Jinsei had noticed Kento being around less... that wasn't a good feeling at all.
Yugo's life went on as usual after Kento came back from his tour; he worked all day, took care of Taira after school, and squeezed in time with Kento whenever he could. It wasn't much, but he got by that way, loving Taira and doing his best to be there for his little juniors and missing Jesse and falling back on Kento when it all got to be too much. Things at work were beginning to pick up, taking up more of his attention and keeping him from spending too much time being lonely as they moved closer and closer to the opening for Endless Shock. Still, despite the fact that he barely had time to eat properly, he managed to squeeze in time with Kento… after all, more work meant more stress, which meant more times that Yugo needed someone to support him…
But despite all the work and the stress, Endless Shock opened without a hitch, and despite the fact that Yugo only got to watch in envy as Taiga and Yuma were greeted by Juri and Shintaro after the show, he had to admit, seeing all the little kids so excited after performing for real, in a real play, congratulating them all before sending them out to their parents… it made up for how thankless rehearsals had been, how tired the whole process had left Yugo, at least a little bit. And as everyone got settled into the run of shows, it got better; performing was much preferable to rehearsing, and while Yugo had never really planned a career in stage performing, Yugo did love singing and dancing, and that, he tried to tell himself, is what mattered.
But then one day, after a full day of performances, Yugo was surprised to come back to find his phone blinking next to his bag in his dressing room. Waking it up, he discovered a text from Jesse, which was unusual, especially when Jesse was out filming on location. But Yugo was even more surprised by the contents of the message, Hey, sorry I can't make it to the show, but I know it was amazing and I want to take you out to celebrate! I'll be by the Imperial Theatre at eight, see you then? Yugo couldn't help putting a hand to his mouth in surprise; this was the sort of thing Jesse used to do when they had been young, but well…recently, he never had that sort of time. But of course, if Jesse wanted to take the time to take him to dinner in the first time in what felt like years, Yugo certainly wasn't going to complain. Checking his watch, he changed out of his costume quickly, eager to see Jesse after a long, tiring day.
Things had been busy ever since Jesse had come back from touring, busier than he would have liked for more than a month now. He loved his work, but he didn't like what he missed because of it, and most recently, Yugo's play had opened, and he still hadn't been able to make it to one of the shows. He felt bad, because he wanted to support Yugo (Yugo always came to the Tokyo runs of Jesse's concerts), and he was sure that the play itself was really good. His schedule just hadn't allowed it, though, until one day he found out that his filming that evening had been cancelled, and he would be finished with work early that day. Not early enough to make it to the show, unfortunately, but early enough to meet Yugo afterwards, and with the next leg of Jesse's tour coming up, a night out together sounded perfect. After calling the babysitter to make sure Taira could be taken care of later than originally planned, he texted Yugo, smiling at the idea of surprising him this way. He was full of anticipation for the rest of the afternoon, and by the time he pulled his car up to a corner a block away from the Imperial Theater a few minutes before eight, he couldn't wait for Yugo to appear.
Pulling a mask over his face and tugging his hat lower over his eyes-- leaving a play was the one time Yugo had to worry about being recognized; he didn't have many, but there were a few fans who still remembered him, waited around for demachi and all the rest-- before walking briskly along the sidewalk to the place Jesse had said he would wait. And sure enough, there he was; Yugo would have recognized him through his disguise even if he hadn't known where to look, and he smiled, hurrying to the passenger's side door. "Hey," he greeted, pulling off his mask and shutting the door behind him, unable to keep the stupidly wide grin off his face, "Fancy meeting you here." It really was almost never that Yugo got to spend a night out with Jesse anymore, and this surprise was making him more stupidly happy than he could contain.
Jesse grinned back at Yugo, reaching over to squeeze his hand before pulling the car back out into the road. "Otsukare~" he said, heading in the direction of a nice restaurant they had liked when they were younger, when they'd had more time to go out. "Sorry I couldn't make it to the show... But my filming was cancelled, so I figured we could celebrate your opening!" He glanced over at Yugo, hoping that his last-minute surprise would be well received. "I made us reservations and called the babysitter," he said. "You've been working so hard to get this play open, you deserve a little celebration~"
Yugo couldn't keep the grin off of his face as he settled into his seat, glancing over at Jesse. "I… I don't know what to say," he admitted, pulling off his hat and running a hand through his hair, messy from the hairspray from stage. Jesse was so sweet-- of course the first thing he had thought of when he had gotten some free time was coming to see Yugo, and while he knew Jesse had to keep his eyes on the road, Yugo couldn't resist leaning over and pressing a quick kiss to his cheek. "Thank you," he added after a moment, his smile softening, "So can I ask where you're taking me? Or is it still part of the surprise?"
"Just a little place we used to like," Jesse said, deciding it couldn't hurt to keep the location a surprise for a little longer. He loved seeing Yugo look so happy, and though he wished he could have seen the play, and that they had time to do this more often, he was glad they were going to be able to spend the evening together, at least. Knowing that he was the one who was making Yugo smile so widely made him feel warm all over, and as they stopped at a red light, Jesse glanced over at Yugo, smiling back at him before looking back at the road. "I love you," he said, because even if Jesse wasn't one to talk about feelings very much, he didn't get to tell Yugo that enough.
I love you, too Yugo wanted to say back, tried to say back, but it caught in his throat as he looked at Jesse, and suddenly, it was hard to breathe. Swallowing, he looked away, not wanting to betray how he was feeling Jesse, not wanting Jesse to think he was unhappy, because he was happy, having Jesse take him out was making him happier than he could describe. But while it was easy to be weak while Jesse was too busy for him, during the weeks that he barely saw Jesse, or worse, the months he didn't see Jesse at all, but when they did get time together, to actually talk, to enjoy one another's company, the guilt began to eat away at Yugo, because more than anything, he did love Jesse, he loved him so much more than he could even begin to explain. So what right did he have, then, to keep lying to Jesse this way? But it was naive, he knew, to think that way; evenings like this came once or twice a year at most, and for the other 363 days, Yugo was left lonely and starved for any sort of affection he could find. It was awful… but it was life, and so Yugo did his best to swallow back his guilt and enjoy this chance. Still, something about the way Jesse had described the restaurant where they were going made Yugo nervously remember the night that his affair with Kento had really begun, and even as he managed to smile again, looking back over at Jesse, he couldn't quite shake the guilt squeezing in his chest.
Despite Kento's growing sense of guilt, things continued as they had for a few weeks, with Kento and Yugo meeting up secretly whenever they could. Kento tried to be smarter about it, to be home with his kids more often in the evenings, but when his and Yugo's schedules were both so busy, it was hard to find time during the day... and it was hard to go more than a few days without seeing Yugo. It was only after Jesse's band left for the next leg of their tour that it became difficult to be even marginally more careful, though. With Jesse out of town, Yugo had an empty house (and an empty bed) every night after his son was asleep, and with things as bad at home as they were for Kento, it was hard to turn down Yugo's invitations. If things had been uncomfortable with Shori on tour, things had moved past uncomfortable into something that felt totally unsalvageable, like their relationship had finally fallen over the edge of the cliff they'd been rolling towards, and most days... Kento really didn't want to face it. So instead he found himself in Yugo's arms, in Yugo's bed, something they hadn't dared to do before now, trying to forget his troubles and help Yugo forget his as well.
Even after what they had said about being careful, despite all the trouble with Fuma and Shori, despite the growing sense of guilt in Yugo's stomach every time Jesse kissed him good morning and greeted him in the evening, things only got worse over the next few weeks. They continued to meet secretly as often as ever, stealing kisses behind locked dressing room doors and meeting up while Shori was out and Kento was alone with the baby… but things turned worse than ever when Jesse left again for the next segment of his tour, this time another three weeks to Osaka, Kobe, and Hiroshima. Yugo and Kento kept up at the same rate they had been for the first few days, but soon, the long, lonely nights in his cold, lonely bed got to be too much, and despite how much he knew he shouldn't, Yugo found himself asking Kento if he couldn't stay the night. He wasn't sure what he was expecting, what he was hoping for, but Kento was surprisingly receptive, and soon, Yugo found Kento in his bed more nights than not. He tried not to think about what it meant that he had asked Kento to take Jesse's place now in basically every way, that he was waking up each morning beside someone who very distinctly was not his husband, because having Kento's warm body to cling to through the long lonely nights was practically a necessity to Yugo by now.
The only thing that worried him about the whole setup was Taira; he tried hurrying Kento out the door before waking Taira once, and Kento hadn't argued, of course, Kento understood how important it was to keep their kids from finding out, but he had looked so tired and worn out and unwell when Yugo had bid him goodbye that Yugo couldn't find it in his heart to keep it up. And so, more often than not, Taira caught a glimpse of Kento or two in the morning, on the way out the door, at the very least, and while Yugo was sure the six year old had no reason to question Yugo's explanation that Kento was a friend who was helping him out with some things for work, it still felt all wrong.
But the loneliness was worse, and so things didn't change for the next two weeks. They were a mess, Yugo thought, wondering what he was going to do as the day of Jesse's return came closer, two weeks, one week, three days, two days, one day… But he couldn't face the prospect of going to bed alone anymore, not when they let things go on this way already, and so the night before Jesse was to return, despite the fact that Yugo was beginning to feel as if they had lost control of the situation altogether, he found himself climbing into bed beside Kento and curling into his side, desperate for the comfort that it seemed he couldn't find anywhere else anymore.
Kento pulled Yugo close, finding Yugo's lips with his own and trying not to think about the fact that this was the last night they would be able to do this for who knew how long, that Yugo's husband was coming back to Tokyo in less than 24 hours, that things had gotten so out of hand that Kento was spending almost every night in the place that should have been Jesse's to avoid his own problems... But he didn't know what else to do anymore, they were so deep in whatever this was, and Kento didn't know what to do besides cling to Yugo and kiss him and try not to think about anything else.
Yugo couldn't help but melt into Kento's kiss almost instantly; he didn't have the strength anymore to hold himself up, to think, to do anything but depend on Kento. Kento's body was warm where usually, there would only be cold emptiness, and Yugo wrapped an arm around Kento's shoulders, finger curling against his skin, anything to feel secure, as if Kento would never leave him. It ought to be embarrassing, really, just how weak and needy he had become, but the thought of being here alone was too terrifying, and so he kissed Kento back with everything he had, trying to forget how awful everything else was and to lose himself into Kento.
Yugo's lips were hot against Kento's, his hands cool against Kento's back, and Kento wrapped his arms around Yugo's waist, pushing up Yugo's t-shirt to feel more of his skin. He pulled Yugo closer in the process, so their torsos were flush against each other, and it felt so good to be close to Yugo, like he could hide from everything else in Yugo's warmth and kisses. "Yugo," Kento murmured, kissing him again and pushing his t-shirt up farther, sighing at the way Yugo's mouth opened up for him.
"Oh god, Kento," Yugo gasped in response, kissing Kento back and trying to press even closer still. The feeling of Kento's skin against his own was a welcome one, and Yugo didn't want to move away even for a second, even to get his shirt the rest of the way off. Just being this way, being so close, Kento's lips pressed to his own, Kento's body pressed up against his was everything Yugo wanted right now, the feeling of being connected to another person, having someone there for him, to support him… It was enough to make Yugo's mind blank with feeling, enough to make him forget all the long, lonely nights, the tiring days, the weeks, the months, the years that he had spent practically without Jesse, and in that moment, Yugo felt as if the only person he needed in the world was Kento--
But then a knock at the door quickly followed by a wavering call of, "Papa…?" practically made Yugo's heart leap out of his chest, and before he could even figure out what was happening, he was leaping out of bed, tugging on his disheveled shirt and hurrying to the door. Adrenaline was pumping through his veins, but despite everything, all he could think about was Taira as he pulled the door open, dropping down onto his knees to be at eye level with his son. Taira looked back at him pathetically, tears in his eyes and running down his face, his favourite stuffed animal clutched between his arms. "I had a bad dream," he explained before Yugo even had the chance to respond, sniffing as another tear rolled down his cheek, and Yugo didn't even know what he was feeling anymore. It felt as if his heart, his nerves, his everything were going through a ringer, but if there was one thing he knew, it was that his son came first, and so he pulled Taira close, petting his hair comfortingly and letting Taira wipe his tears in Yugo's t-shirt. "Baby, it's going to be okay," he comforted, pulling back after a moment to meet Taira's eyes again. "It was just a bad dream, Papa's here now."
Taira nodded slowly, regarding Yugo for a moment as if he weren't entirely convinced before glancing over Yugo's shoulder, and Yugo knew there was only one thing he could be looking at. Still, he swallowed back the feelings of guilt and confusion and god only knew what else, wiping away the rest of Taira's tears with his thumb. "Come on, let me take you back to bed," he offered, giving Taira a smile, and Taira only hesitated for a moment before smiling back and letting Yugo scoop him into his arms.
Taira had always been a good boy about going to bed, and sure enough, by the time Yugo got him the short distance to his bedroom, setting him gently back into his bed and pulling up the covers around him, Taira was calm again, smiling up at Yugo from where he lay. As Yugo was rising to bid him goodnight and leave, however, Taira blinked up at him, a look of confusion coming over his features as he asked, "Papa, why is Nakajima-san always here while Daddy's away? It is because you get lonely without him, too?"
And somehow, more than anything in this whole mess, hearing those words come out of his son's mouth felt like a stab to Yugo's chest, and he struggled to catch his breath and manage to think at all, not to mention figure out an answer to Taira's question. As Yugo was still reeling, however, Taira continued, "When I slept over with Kensou it made me feel less lonely, too. Good night, Papa."
"Good night, honey," Yugo responded, leaning in to give Taira one last kiss goodnight before closing the door behind him and turning back to his own bedroom. He was practically on autopilot, however, could barely think… because Taira had caught on to something about he and Kento. Maybe he still believed that Kento was only a friend, maybe he understood that, just like Taira missed his Daddy, Yugo missed Jesse while he was away, too… but the fact of the matter was that Taira had seen Kento in Yugo's bed, had practically walked in on Kento and Yugo… and if the door hadn't been locked, if Taira hadn't knocked…
It was all too much, and by the time he made it back to Kento, Yugo suddenly felt like he were the one having a bad dream. Only this wasn't a dream, it was Yugo's life, and he had royally screwed it up. Dropping back down on the bed, Yugo put his head in his hands, unable to find the words to explain the situation, unable to even face Kento like this.
Kento barely knew what was happening before Yugo was springing away from him and running to the bedroom door to reveal a teary-eyed Taira. Kento's heart was practically beating out of his chest with adrenaline, and suddenly Taira was looking right at him over Yugo's shoulder and Kento really had no idea what to do as Yugo carried Taira back to his bedroom. Even if Taira hadn't seen them kissing, he had seen Kento in Yugo's bed... Who knew what he would be asking Yugo in the other room? They had gotten so careless as to get walked in on in bed by Yugo's son, and suddenly, as much as Kento had tried to push it all out of his mind, it felt like things had really gotten out of hand. He ran a hand through his hair, sitting up the rest of the way as Yugo came back into the room. He didn't know what to say at Yugo sat heavily on the bed, though, and he bit his lip nervously, reaching out to touch Yugo's shoulder. As worried and guilty as Kento felt, he was sure Yugo must feel even worse after being walked in on by his own son. "What did he say?" he asked tentatively.
Yugo sighed heavily, shaking his head. "He asked me why you were always here when his other dad was out of town. If I was lonely." He could still hear Taira's words echoing in the back of his head, and that on its own felt like enough to crush him… and worse, he couldn't fall back on Kento, not now, not… well, not after that was what had almost gotten them caught by Yugo's six year old son. The worst part, though, was that Taira had seen right through them… and if a child could guess what was going on between them, that couldn't say much for the rest of the world. And more importantly, this affair had gotten to the point where it had very nearly hurt someone Yugo loved more than anyone else in the world, the point where it might have destroyed his family… and it was all his fault. He had somehow let this whole thing get so far out of hand that he was prioritizing his own selfish need for comfort over his family, his son, and that, Yugo knew, couldn't go on. Still, Yugo had no idea what to do, where to go from here, and he ran his hands through his hair, sinking in on himself. "I don't know what to do, Kento. How did it come to this?" he asked pathetically, feeling as if his whole world was crumbling in, and he didn't have anyone to blame but himself.
With the naivete of a child, Taira had gotten the situation exactly right, and Kento couldn't imagine how Yugo must have felt hearing him say that, hearing his own child ask if he was spending nights with another man because he was lonely... But they couldn't keep doing this, if Taira had everything figured out, and it was obvious, now, that no matter how hard they tried to keep things in check, to be careful, it wasn't going to work. Things had gone too far. "I don't know, either," Kento admitted, keeping his hand on Yugo's shoulder, because even if comforting each other was what had gotten them into this mess to begin with... they were certainly past the point of no return now, so Kento didn't think there was any point in depriving themselves of a little comfort. "We... can't keep going this way, I guess."
At Kento's words, suddenly, it felt as if at the same time a weight dropped to the pit of Yugo's stomach and lifted off his chest. He was right-- they couldn't keep going like this, not now, not when they had let things get so out of control. It was hard to remember, now, that this had started with just a few meetings everyone once in a while, once or twice a week when they were really lonely… and now Kento had been in bed with Yugo almost every night for the past two weeks. It was one thing for Yugo to say that he was lonely, that he needed support… but at the end of the day, he loved Jesse and he loved his family, and he knew that a secret relationship would only pull apart everything he had worked so hard to keep together. He cared so much about Kento as one of his closest friends from childhood, as someone he'd grown so close to now, as someone who had been there for him when he needed someone the most… but he didn't love Kento, not the same way that he loved Jesse, not the same way he loved his family, and at the end of the day, he knew Kento felt the same way. They had come to one another for comfort but had somehow let it turn into so much more, and while Yugo knew that it hadn't been right in the beginning… it wasn't even close to right now. And so, with a sigh, he leaned into Kento slightly, letting his head fall to rest on Kento's shoulder. "You're right… we can't." And it felt good to say it, somehow, despite the scariness of pushing away the thing he had so come to depend on… it felt good, all the same to think that maybe, one day, they wouldn't have to keep looking over their shoulders, they wouldn't have to feel guilty, they could just be friends, friends who went places together in public and hung out with other friends and spent time with one another's children without fear. But the thought of their families brought another issue to the forefront of Yugo's mind, and he sunk further into Kento, his voice barely more than a murmur as he added, "I guess… this has gone on for so long… we'll have to come clean, huh?"
Hearing Yugo agree that they had to stop was scary, after so long thinking that there was no way he could stop seeing Yugo, no way he could get through the day without this to fall back on, and Kento moved his arm to wrap around Yugo's shoulders, leaning into him instinctively. He had come to depend on this so much... but at the same time, now that it had finally been said, now that what Kento had been dreading had actually happened, it almost felt right, because looking back on everything, it had all spiraled so far out of control. Kento barely saw his family anymore, his family he loved so much, his kids whose lives he was missing too much of, Shori who he was hurting so much. And on top of that, what had become of his friendship with Yugo that he had been so happy to find again--sneaking around guiltily and meeting up late at night, and that was no way to have a friendship. But then Yugo brought up coming clean, and suddenly Kento's heart was in his throat all over again. Could he really come clean about all of this? And even more than that... was there any way that Shori would forgive him? He barely understood what had started their relationship on its downward spiral anymore, only that it had gotten infinitely worse when he had started seeing Yugo, and that at this point... he had no idea what Shori thought of him anymore. Some part of him knew they had to come clean, but it was hard to imagine actually doing it. Looking over at Yugo, Kento swallowed nervously. "Do you think you can?"
It was a good question; the thought of hurting Jesse as much as coming clean would was horrifying to Yugo… but at the end of the day, it wasn't the confessing, but the actual act that was hurtful to Jesse, and after so long like this, after his every-now-and-again meetings with Kento had somehow turned into a full blown affair… Yugo knew that he couldn't continue to have a real relationship with Jesse without being honest. The truth of the matter was that he loved Jesse too much, and so he nodded, looking back up at Kento and doing his best to give what he hoped was a comforting smile. "I have to," he replied, surprised at how steady his voice sounded despite how he was feeling, "I love him too much to keep lying to him." But he knew his situation with Jesse was a far cry from Kento's, and he leaned closer, nuzzling into the crook of Kento's neck as comfortingly as he knew how. "Whatever you decide to do with Shori, though… I'll support you, and be here for you if you need me… so good luck?"
Kento nodded, leaning his head into Yugo's. What Yugo was saying made sense... because how could he ever have a normal relationship with Shori again with a secret like this weighing on him? And he wanted to, more than anything, Kento wanted things to be good with Shori again, as much as he had been trying not to think about it for the past few months. Because he loved Shori so much, he loved what they had had together before everything had gone to hell... but he didn't know if that was too much to hope for. There was no way that things were going to get better if Kento didn't come clean, though--the months of feeling like things could never change were enough to tell him that much. And Yugo was steady against him, and knowing that Yugo would be there for him helped, even as the idea that things would never really be the same between him and Yugo weighed Kento down. Because even if it had been wrong from the start, Yugo had been there for him through a lot, and even though he knew they had to end it, Kento would miss being so close with Yugo. "Thanks," he said softly. "You too..." He sighed, closing his eyes for a moment. "I'm going to miss this."
At Kento's words, Yugo felt his throat tighten and his eyes get hot, because Kento was right-- everything else aside, he had been through a lot with Kento, and he had come to trust Kento so much. They had held one another together through the roughest time of probably both of their lives, and Yugo didn't want to lose that feeling of security, of mutual reliance that they had somehow built together. He remembered how much it had hurt to lose Kento the first time, then they were nothing but kids, and how much he regretted that they had grown apart as they got older, and how genuinely happy he had been that they could be friends together…
But that was what was important, wasn't it? Being friends. Honestly, the sex with Kento had been amazing; opening up to someone completely and really trusting that person to take care of him, to help him forget all the bad had been amazing, but at the end of the day, Yugo hadn't been in this whole affair for the sex. And it wasn't that he was in love with Kento, either; Kento was so, so important to him, but the way he felt towards Kento was completely different from the sort of love that he felt for Jesse… and so, things didn't have to change so much, did they? Everything they had shared-- laughing and reminiscing over good times, crying over their personal struggles, holding one another up when they needed a shoulder and pushing one another forward when they needed help getting off in the right direction… none of that had to change. And so, Yugo slipped a hand around Kento's giving his fingers a squeeze and leaning even closer into Kento's side. "You won't have to," he replied, and he honestly meant it: if there was one good thing in this whole mess, Yugo knew it was the friendship that he had built again with Kento, and he didn't want to lose it. "Nothing really has to change. Without the guilt and the lies… it will just be us again. You and me, wherever we want, whenever we want…" And Yugo couldn't help the few tears that broke free, spilling over his cheeks. It was scary, but he knew that this time, he wouldn't just sit back and let Kento drift away.
Kento nodded into Yugo's hair, swallowing hard and letting his words sink in. He wanted them to be true, he wanted to still have Yugo's support and friendship and everything they had between them. Despite all the guilt and the lies, Kento had a lot of good memories with Yugo over the past few months, but when he really thought about it... they were all things that they could still have, if they came out of this okay. Laughing together, reminiscing together, sharing their problems, sitting close and sharing hugs. Of course, the sex had been great, they were such close friends and Yugo had always been good in bed (and maybe sometime Kento would be able to joke about that again), and they had both so badly wanted the escape, but the sex wasn't what he would miss, when he thought about it. So if what Yugo was saying was true... and why shouldn't it be? If they wanted to be friends, if they wanted to be close, then they would be. They deserved that. Squeezing Yugo's shoulder, Kento nodded again. "That sounds good," he said, and it really did sound good when Yugo said it. "I... I'm glad I have you right now." And maybe that was weird, because their relationship had gotten them into this whole mess, but Kento was so glad to have Yugo while they were getting themselves out of it, and he wasn't going to let it force them apart.
Yugo nodded into Kento's shoulder, squeezing his hand again. Despite all the trouble they had gotten into, despite everything they shouldn't have done that they had gone ahead and done anyway… Yugo really, truly was grateful to Kento for being there for him through everything, and even though they had let a lot of bad come along with it… they had managed to rebuild what they had had together as kids, had managed to make something more of it, a real friendship, and that was something, Yugo thought, that might just outweigh all the regrets. "Thank you, Kento… for everything. I mean it." And looking back on the whole affair now, they had made a lot of mistakes, but, Yugo thought, maybe they had done a few things right, too. Having a friend who really prioritized spending time together, who really trusted Yugo with his problems and who put himself on the line to help Yugo, too… it had been a long time since Yugo had been that close with Fuma, with anyone, really, and he knew, no mattered what happened, now that he had built this friendship with Kento, he wasn't going to lose it. "No matter what… we'll always have each other."
And while it was hard right now, while Yugo felt weak and scared, at least he wasn't alone, and at least he could be here for Kento. It was a comforting enough thought that Yugo was able to crawl back under the covers beside Kento and eventually sleep, curled up against Kento's side for the last time. And in the morning, after waking Taira and laying out his uniform for him, Yugo lingered with Kento in the genkan, feeling unstable and unsure all over again at the thought of sending Kento out for good. "Thank you," he repeated, unsure if he could say it enough now, in the face of things changing again, but he had to, there was nowhere to go from here but forward. "I'll… I'll tell Jesse tomorrow. I don't think I can do it on his first night back." Hopefully Kento would understand, because Yugo just couldn't bear the thought of dumping such a horrible thing in Jesse's lap after a long day of traveling and separation. "I'll tell you how it goes… but… text me until then?" It was hard to talk about all of this with a straight face, and even now, Yugo could feel his throat getting tight again, his hands shaking until the emotion overwhelmed him and he couldn't hold back anymore, wrapping his arms tightly around Kento's body and wishing he could just hold on this way forever. "Oh Kento, what am I going to do without you?" he murmured into Kento's shoulder, his voice muffled and wavering at the uncertainty of their future.
Kento hugged Yugo back just as tightly, the thought of going back home, of facing his problems, of everything changing weighing heavily on him. But even if everything was changing, Kento didn't want to do without Yugo, because even with all the mistakes... it felt like Yugo really understood him, and that wasn't something he had felt about a friend in a long time. "You don't have to do without me," he said. "Right? We can... do it right this time." He laughed a little into Yugo's hair. "I'll text... let me know how it goes." Kento sighed, unable to keep from worrying about his own confrontation as he thought about Yugo's. "I don't think I can do it without you," he admitted, as weak as that sounded.
Kento's words, simple as they were, were somehow exactly what Yugo needed to hear, and he smiled back, leaning his head against Kento's shoulder. We can do it right this time, Kento had said, and he was right. They would straighten things out, turn them in the right direction this time, support and help one another without using each other as an escape from the problems they'd have to face at one point or another, anyway. And so, taking a deep breath, Yugo drew all the strength that Kento had given him up inside of himself and pulled back, meeting Kento's eyes with a sad smile. "You don't have to do it without me. I'll be right here when you need me," he replied, taking Kento's hands into his own and giving them a squeeze. Things were scary right now, but knowing that they had one another was enough for Yugo, and he hoped that he could be enough to support Kento, too. "Thank you," he repeated quietly, looking into Kento's eyes for a long moment before leaning in to brush one last brief kiss to Kento's lips. "I'll see you later…?"
Kento nodded, squeezing Yugo's hands back. "I'll see you later," he agreed, smiling back at Yugo. "And... thanks for everything." It was sad to be saying goodbye this way, but they both agreed that it wasn't really goodbye, and it was up to them to make that happen. It was hard to face going home to all his problems, but Yugo would still be there for him to fall back on, so... things would work out, somehow. Forcing himself to let go of Yugo's hands, Kento stepped back, picking up his bag. "Check your phone," he said, his smile quirking up at the corners. "I'll talk to you later."
Yugo nodded, smiling tearily as he waved goodbye to Kento one last time, and he couldn't help lingering a moment afterwards in the genkan, tears in his eyes as he tried to build up his strength for the emotional turmoil that was going to be the next two days. It was hard when he knew there was no reprieve in sight, when he didn't just have Kento to fall back on, but he knew he had to, and despite how weak he'd been for the past few months, Yugo had always been good at pulling himself together when he needed to, had always been good at being strong and pushing forward even in the worst situations, and so he swallowed back his tears and put on his best smile and went to make Taira some breakfast.
Part 9
