Jun/Aiba RP [part 4 of 5]

[chromatic]

Warnings are the same as in Part 1 through Part 3


Unfortunately, more than a week went by with little improvement to the situation. A few days later, Aiba had tried to apologize, but Jun really didn't want to talk about the issue, and so while he verbally forgave Aiba, he was still feeling sullen and misunderstood. It wasn't fair that Aiba was born pretty and talented while Jun was awkward and ugly, and it was even more unfair that Aiba refused to understand the situation. But there was really nothing Jun could do about it and the last thing he wanted was to get into another fight, and so he simply said nothing, spending even less time with Aiba than before and feeling guilty but without another choice.

But then one day, during a fifteen minute break between dance classes, Jun was on his way to the vending machines for a bottle of water when he heard the voices of some of the other boys from the class. It was Yokoyama-kun, with whom Jun had filmed his movie, and another voice Jun vaguely recognized from the Juniors, and, without really thinking about it, he hesitated out of sight, wondering what their conversation was about.

They were listing names of other boys in class with them, Jun realized quickly, which seemed sort of odd, and Jun was about to give up and go buy his water bottle when suddenly, something Yokoyama-kun said caught his attention and made him stop dead in his tracks: "Aiba-chan is a really good kisser!"

Jun paled as the other boy chimed in, "Oh yeah, he's the best!" and Yokoyama-kun eagerly agreed before the boys launched into an excited conversation about various that they had kissed Aiba. Paralyzed, Jun tried to wrap his mind around what he was hearing, but he could barely think under the pressure of the revelation-- Aiba kissed other boys? Lots of other boys, and regularly? It wasn't that Jun had thought that he and Aiba were in some sort of weird relationship or anything-- after all, Jun wasn't a girl and neither was Aiba-- but somehow, he had thought that what they had done together was special, or something. It had felt special to Jun, private, something that he couldn't imagine doing with anyone but Aiba, but apparently... clearly, Aiba didn't feel the same way.

Something felt like it was breaking inside Jun, and before he knew what he as doing, he was practically throwing himself into the bathroom, tears breaking free. You're my friend, Aiba had said to him, as if he was so offended that Jun might not believe him, but really, it seemed, Jun wasn't anything special to him at all. Just another name on the list, just someone to have fun with, it seemed, and that knowledge felt as if someone was ripping Jun's heart straight out of his chest. Maybe Aiba would leave him behind after all, it seemed, since there were plenty of other boys for him to debut with, for him to form a group with, for him to kiss. More and more, Jun was realizing that he didn't really matter to anyone at all, and it hurt so badly that he didn't know what he was going to do. But after a good five minutes of tears, he steeled himself-- after all, the only thing he could do from here was get stronger and move forward, with or without Aiba.


The next couple of weeks were full of worry for Aiba.  Jun had forgiven him for their fight, much to Aiba's relief, but despite that it seemed like Jun was avoiding him even more than before.  Even when they did hang out, it wasn't the same, and they hadn't kissed or even cuddled since their fight.  When Matsujun seemed so unhappy, and so unwilling to talk to Aiba about it, the moment just never seemed right, no matter how much he missed it, how much he wanted to pull Jun into his arms like before.  But, he always seemed to have a meeting with his manager anyway, or homework, or plans to go shopping with his sister, so it hardly even seemed like an option anymore.

When nothing seemed to be changing for the better, Aiba began to wonder if the rest of MAIN had noticed something was wrong.  Toma was younger, and while Aiba trusted him and knew he was a great friend, he didn't really want to burden him with what seemed partially like his own problem.  Nino, though--Nino noticed things, Aiba knew, and he was one of Aiba's oldest friends in Johnny's.  Maybe he was worried about Jun, too, and maybe he would know what to do.

He brought it up later that week, when the two of them were at Nino's house, playing video games as usual.  They sat on Nino's bed facing the TV, and Aiba had scooted closer so they were shoulder to shoulder, because even if it meant Nino elbowed him in the side a lot, he couldn't help wanting to be close to his friend.  "Nino-pi, do you think Matsujun's been acting weird lately?"

Nino hated talking about relationships. He hated talking about his own relationships, and he definitely hated talking about other people's relationships. He hated emotions and he hated people, so there was really nothing positive about relationships, in Nino's opinion. And sure, he loved his friends (though he'd never, ever admit it) and he cared about them, but he wasn't the sort of person to get involved. If people had problems, as far as Nino was concerned, he was sure that they could solve them on their own, and he didn't want to hear about it.

But these days, even Nino was starting to worry. Aiba was one of the people to whom he was the closest out of all his friends, and Nino was well aware of how much Aiba loved Jun. It was sort of amazing, actually; Nino had seen Aiba love a lot of people, but none of them had been like Jun, and he had begun to dread the day when they would start officially dating when suddenly, things got weird. Of course, Nino had no idea what was going on and he didn't want to get involved, but if Jun hurt Aiba... well, Nino wouldn't be pleased. But Jun seemed like a confused guy more than a bad one, what with suddenly changing his image and sleeping with his manager, and Nino had figured they'd work it out.

But now Aiba was consulting Nino about Jun, and as much as Nino didn't want to talk about it, he couldn't really say no to Aiba. "I guess," he replied with a shrug, staring at the TV screen. "Like how?"

With Nino, Aiba knew that I guess probably meant yes, and he glanced over at Nino, shrugging back.  He couldn't exactly complain to Nino that Matsujun was hanging out with him less, but there were plenty of other things he could say, and hopefully Nino would know what he was getting at.  "Like, he's always getting his hair done, and stuff..."  He paused, concentrating on the game for a moment, even though he was pretty much a lost cause.  "And it seems like he has to meet with his manager all the time..."

Nino snorted at the mention of Jun's manager, but realized afterwards that that was sort of cruel to Aiba, and coughed awkwardly. It seemed like Aiba was naive enough that he hadn't noticed-- not that Nino was surprised. Clearing his throat, he shifted, feeling suddenly incredibly awkward. "Well, I mean, he's sleeping with his manager, so..." he trailed, trying to seem nonchalant about it. "I mean, he's always been doing that, so that's not... different..."

Aiba physically jumped at Nino's words, turning to face him, eyes wide and disbelieving.  "He's WHAT?"  He shook his head, trying to make sense of things.  Jun-- Matsujun-- The same Matsujun Aiba knew-- He was sleeping with his manager?  "What?!" he repeated, flabbergasted.  Sure, Aiba had heard rumors, he knew that it happened sometimes in Johnny's, but if that was the problem Jun had been trying to deal with...that changed everything.

"Um... yeah," Nino replied, feeling sort of like an asshole for being the one to break the news to Aiba. Frowning, he shrugged again, refusing to meet Aiba's eyes and staring intently at the screen despite the fact that they were between games. "I met the guy once... Tanaka, I think. He seems like sort of a sleaze to me, but, uh..." Well, that was definitely going to make Aiba feel better. This is why Nino hated talking about relationships-- he sucked at it. "But, uh... since he's been doing it for like as long as we've known him..." But he felt like he was digging himself deeper, and Nino hated feeling clumsy at things, and he sighed in aggravation. "Look... I don't know what's wrong with him, but the manager thing isn't a new development."

The thought of Jun and some creepy old manager made Aiba's stomach twist, and he hugged his knees to his chest, shuddering.  "For that long?  Matsujun..."  And he was probably scared to tell anyone, which explained why he had gotten upset when Aiba asked him what was wrong.  "Maybe...maybe his manager started doing something worse lately, or something..."  Then Aiba remembered-- I've been working on my image.  My manager wants me to.  "It's him!" he blurted out.  "It's Matsujun's manager who's making him try to change himself."  Aiba couldn't even imagine how Jun must be feeling, but he knew he had to try to help him.

So, maybe Nino wasn't doing so bad after all-- at least Aiba was grasping onto some reason for Jun's issues, which was better than nothing. Still, Nino could only imagine Aiba trying to take on the manager, and so he swallowed, biting lip. "Well... you should probably talk to Jun about it. Since it's... a sensitive issue," he commented, sounding much more authoritative than he felt. "He probably wants to hear from you, anyway." Not that Nino knew one way or another, but it was what would make Aiba happy, and that was Nino's priority.

Aiba nodded slowly, his expression serious.  "Thanks, Nino-pi," he said, scooting close together again and slouching down so he was short enough to rest his head on Nino's shoulder.  He was glad Nino had told him, and he definitely had to talk to Jun about it, but for the moment, he was even more worried than he had been before.


The next time Aiba saw Matsujun was at another meeting with various Juniors.  Everyone's managers were there as well, and when Jun arrived, Aiba couldn't help watching as he made his way over to talk to his.  There was something creepy about the way he acted, Aiba thought, even from across the room, although he couldn't really put his finger on it.  It was creepy, though, and his stomach twisted up even further with worry.  Even if they hadn't been hanging out as much anymore, it didn't matter--Aiba had to talk to Jun as soon as possible, so as soon as the meeting let out, he was following Jun into the hallway.  "Matsujun!" he called.  "I, um..."  He fumbled for words as he caught up with Jun.  "Is there somewhere away from people where we could...talk?"

Jun frowned. He and Aiba weren't technically on bad terms, but Jun couldn't deny that he'd been avoiding him since he discovered that he had been only one in a chain of boys who Aiba kissed, and he wasn't exactly excited to be asked for a talk. He was still unarguably attached to Aiba; he yearned to go back to the way things were before, before he knew that Aiba didn't really care so much about him at all. But if Aiba wanted to speak to him, he couldn't really say no, and so he shrugged. "The bathroom, I guess... why?"

Aiba nodded, heading towards the bathroom. He had no idea how he was going to bring it up--he didn't want to say that Nino was the one who had told him, but it would be bad if he didn't say where he'd head it, since then it would seem like everyone knew, or something. Once they were inside the bathroom with the door locked, Aiba paused for a moment, looking at Jun. He didn't look happy at all, and Aiba's stomach knotted even tighter, remembering Jun's reaction last time he had tried to help him. He had to do it, though. "Matsujun, I... the other day--" He stopped himself, swallowing. "I've been worried about you, and..." Aiba looked at the floor, steeling himself. "Nino told me you-- and your manager--" He screwed his eyes shut, unable to finish his sentence. He just hoped Jun wouldn't react too badly.

Jun tensed at Aiba's words. Nino had told him... what?! How had Nino even found out?! The fact that he was sleeping with his manager to get ahead was absolutely the most private secret that Jun had, and knowing that anyone knew was utterly humiliating, not to mention Aiba. He could feel his face flushing, and he felt like he was going to cry already-- but how could anyone blame him? The shame was keen and the anger burning inside of him, because how could it have come out? Why did Aiba have to know that?! His fists clenching at his sides, he squeezed his eyes shut before bolstering himself to speak, to face what had somehow happened while his back was turned. "So what?" he snapped harshly, glaring at Aiba. "What's it matter to you?"

Aiba took a step back, feeling like he was being physically repulsed by Jun's anger, but he forced himself to look at Jun. He had to at least try to help. "I'm worried about you!" he cried, his voice rising in pitch, but he made himself keep going. "If he's making you do that... You should tell someone! Or at least...you could tell a friend..." Aiba swallowed before continuing more quietly. "To have someone to talk to about it..." He couldn't imagine what it would be like to go through that, but to go through it alone sounded so much worse that he could hardly bear to think about it.

It was just so clear that Aiba didn't understand at all, and it made Jun's anger flare to know that he thought he could come in and tell Jun what to do when the situation was so far beyond his comprehension. "I don't want to talk about it!" he replied, gritting his teeth and tears began to roll down his cheeks. "This is what I have to do to get anywhere, okay?" Just thinking about telling anyone what happened behind closed doors in his manager's office was enough to make him want to be sick, and he wiped angrily at his eyes despite the fact that it was useless. "Why would I want to talk about it when--" But he couldn't even bring himself to explain marginally just how horrific it was to relive, and his breath was coming quicker as his temper flared. "If you want to help, then don't talk about it and stop digging into my life! You just don't get it, okay?!" That was harsh, but it seemed to Jun that Aiba had no right butting into his business and telling him what to do when Jun was already struggling to get by in the unyielding reality of the entertainment industry. "You've got tons of other friends just the same as me, don't you? I'm nothing special to you. So go bother someone else!"

Jun's harsh words felt like knives cutting through all of Aiba's good intentions.  He thought he was a good friend, he always tried to support his friends...  But he couldn't seem to get through to Jun at all.  He felt tears prickling his eyes, threatening to spill over, but he tried to hold himself together and figure out some way to help--until he heard Jun's last accusation.  "Nothing special to me?" Aiba shot back, a few tears breaking free.  Did Jun really think that?  Was Aiba nothing special to him, either, then?  "How could you think--  I've never had a friend like you before!  I...with you..."  Aiba couldn't explain it, didn't really even understand it himself, but how he felt about Jun was definitely something special.

"You were everything to me," Jun burst before he could stop himself; it wasn't something he wanted to reveal now, but it was true. "You-- I..." But he was too emotional now, and thinking about what he had lost, the tears came harder. "I heard people talking, Yokoyama and his friends. I know you kiss other guys-- don't lie to me!" And god, it hurt to think about it, to tear all this open right here with Aiba, but it was too late to go back now. "Don't tell me I'm special! Just-- don't."

"What does that have to do with anything?  What do they--  Compared to you--"  Aiba didn't know what he was saying anymore, didn't even know what he was thinking, really, but he knew that when Jun said Aiba was everything to him, but in that angry, hurt tone, his stomach had twisted, and he didn't know what to do anymore.  He shook his head, trying to pull his thoughts together.  "You are special, and you can't stop me from saying it!  Kissing...kissing is usually fun and all that, but it was..."  Aiba sniffled, wiping away his tears.  "It was different!  I miss it so much..."  This wasn't supposed to be about him, but he didn't know how else to say how he was feeling.

"Don't lie to me!" Jun shouted before he could stop himself. Aiba didn't sound like he was lying, but Jun couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't do this when he already felt like he had taken so much, when it felt like everything he loved had been torn away from him. Sobbing pathetically, he shoved past Aiba to the door, fumbling with the lock-- he had to get out of here now. "You just don't understand!" he choked out, looking at Aiba and feeling utterly betrayed before stumbling out of the bathroom and down the hall. Without Aiba, Jun felt as if he had nothing... but there wasn't anything he could do. He was all alone now.

Aiba thought about going after Jun, trying to stop him, trying to get his feelings across, but it didn't seem like Jun wanted to hear anything he had to say.  Instead he stayed in the bathroom, leaning on the sink and letting himself cry.  He wanted to believe that it would all blow over soon enough and things would go back to normal between them, but he wasn't so sure.  After all, Jun was stuck with his horrible manager and bent on changing himself, and there was no way Aiba could help him without making things worse.  And if that wasn't bad enough, Aiba was losing his closest friend, the friend he had leaned on and grown to love so much in just a few months.  For the sake of MAIN, he would try to make things better, but somehow Aiba knew that things could never really go back to the way they had been.


Over the course of the next eleven years, Jun's life went through so many ups and downs that it was hard to tell the good from the bad anymore. After that final fight in the bathroom of the main office building, he and Aiba had done their best to pick up the pieces, and though it was hard, they managed to pull things together, on the surface, at least. Eventually, Jun's anger faded, and their friendship healed for the most part. They never went back to their afternoons alone together at Aiba's house, never mentioned anything like that again, but they hung out with other juniors, with the rest of MAIN, and were able to get along as well as might be expected. By the time they were backup dancing for Kinki Kids and there were mentions of debut, things were completely normal between them so long as neither ever brought up the incident or Jun's twice-weekly meetings with his manager.

But by the time Arashi had come together and preparations were being made for their trip to Hawaii, Jun was basically estranged from Tanaka. Now that he had essentially made it, now that Johnny Kitagawa himself was managing Arashi's future affairs, Tanaka basically had no hold on him anymore, and the last time Jun saw him was in 1999, ten years ago. And Jun really had no time for that sort of thing anymore, anyway, because now his face was all over TV and billboards and his voice was all over the radio as their first single skyrocketed in popularity. Jun was overwhelmed, he was excited, he barely knew what to do with himself, but those first few whirlwind months went by like a dream.

But as the dream began to fade into reality, Jun's life was far from perfect. While he had been awkward at fourteen, by sixteen, he was a complete mess. Far too tall for his weight and disproportionately lanky, Jun was ugly, clumsy, and a complete eyesore. On top of it all, there was only so long he could go on pretending that whatever he had had with Aiba had been an accident, and as puberty continued to ravage his hormones, he began to realize that is awkward reactions to the touches and embraces of others weren't only unfortunate, but only triggered by other boys. As a child Jun had never even considered it, but as he transitioned through his teenage years, there was simply no way around it-- Jun was into guys that way. Which was something that simply was not okay.

And so Jun spent the next few years trying to turn himself straight in any way possible. Porn, girlfriends, one-nighters with female idols, Jun tried it all with desperation for the next few unhappy years. But there was nothing he could do about the fact that he was surrounded by attractive men all day, that he was so close, emotionally and physically with his bandmates, and after a long, long stretch of denial and tears, he was forced to come to terms with the fact that he was gay, and face the fact that he was going to have to hide it from the public eye for the rest of his life. Maybe, he thought, by the end of his career, he would be tired enough to get married and have kids, maybe, but for now, he would just have to be careful. Because a scandal with a girl was one thing, but a scandal with a boy was so much worse.

And so Jun somehow coasted for the first four or five years of fame, until suddenly, everything got turned around all of again. Somehow, he managed to land a leading role in the drama adaptation of Hana Yori Dango, which was an amazing break, but, as it turned out, it was far more amazing than Jun had ever imagined. Practically overnight, Jun turned into the heartthrob of the teenage population of Japan, and he wasn't sure how to handle it. Sure, he had gotten rather particular about his appearance over the years, and yeah, he spent a lot of time on his hair and makeup, and got his eyebrows done twice a month and went clothes shopping almost as often, but... he had never really grasped that he could be considered attractive. He had grown up under his manager's assurance that he was ugly, and... well, he had been ugly. So how had this happened?

But as Jun eased into his new popularity and Arashi began to once again rise on the Oricon charts, he was finally beginning to come to terms with fact that his manager had not been right about everything in his childhood-- he had been taking advantage of Jun. It was something of which he had been growing increasingly aware over the years, but it was hard to grasp, and it was definitely not something Jun wanted to ever think or talk about again. And he had spent so many nights bent over that desk... how could it not have been for anything? How could it have all been a lie? Even now, even at twenty-three years old, he struggled to come to terms with the fact that, at fourteen, he had been molested by his manager, which was awfully pathetic, but really, Jun didn't want to have to think about Tanaka ever again, and so he silently struggled and poured himself into his work.

But honestly, work... work was amazing. Arashi was amazing. The were really going places, Jun could tell, and he was thrilled to be going there with his friends. He couldn't have asked for better companions for such a crazy ride, and as time went on, the rest of Arashi practically became like family to him. He loved having people upon whom he could depend, who could really support him, who he trusted more than anyone else in the world. Even despite their rough patch in the past, Jun considered Aiba-- Masaki-- one of his closest friends, and he was glad that they had, indeed, made it together. He tried his hardest not to remember the nights back in 1997, the promises they made together, but it wasn't hard to forget when they were making new memories now, as mature adults, as level-headed friends rather than stupid teenagers driven by lust. Whatever they had had, it was a thing of the past, and Jun was glad that their friendship had developed into what it was.

And besides, in terms of romance, Jun had turned to other sources. Now, as they approached their ten year anniversary concert, Jun had begun seeing their Leader... or rather, seeing a lot more of him than they all saw of one another these days, with rehearsals and recordings and photoshoots. Naturally, with so much work, tensions were high and tempers flared, which was what had happened between Nino and Ohno three weeks prior. Jun had never really understood Nino and Ohno's relationship, but when he saw Ohno sulking after exchanging words with Nino... well, Jun had always been attracted to their Leader, and Ohno just looked so much happier after Jun had kissed him. And so now Jun was seeing Ohno, and sure, sometimes Nino shot him nasty glances when he thought no one else was looking, but he was an adult and he could get over it. For the time being, Jun was happy, and that was what mattered. For the first time, Jun felt, things were beginning to work out.

When Aiba looked back on the last ten years, he could hardly believe that they were actually his life.  Arashi's debut had been surreal, dreamlike, barely believable as he celebrated in Hawaii with Matsujun, Nino, Sho, and Ohno--no, Leader.  As their childhood dreams came true, Aiba hadn't hesitated to hug Matsujun along with the rest of his bandmates, and from that point on it felt like he was growing closer to Jun again alongside the rest of Arashi.  After his time in the hospital, so soon after their debut from his current viewpoint, Aiba knew for sure that Arashi was the most important thing to ever happen to him, and he loved his bandmates more than he could ever truly explain.

His worries about Jun had faded quite a bit after Tanaka was no longer in the picture, although Jun had gone through a pretty rough patch for a few years.  This time, though, Aiba had all of Arashi at his side as they tried to support him, and somehow they had all gotten through it.  Arashi could really get through anything, Aiba often thought, and the knowledge always filled him with warmth and love.  And ever since Hana Yori Dango, they had been on an upward climb, so that most days Aiba really couldn't believe what they had become anymore.  It was amazing, the high he felt from being able to reach so many people, whether through music, television, or his favorite, concerts.

So Aiba considered himself doubly lucky--he loved his work, and he loved the friends he got to do it with, so all in all it made for a pretty amazing life.  None of them had a huge amount of time for a personal life outside of work anymore, but Aiba always made time somehow, and over the years he'd had his share of various girlfriends and boyfriends, both within and outside of the entertainment business.  He'd had his fair share of one-night stands, as well, and sometime between the relationships and the one-nighters he'd realized that Jun had been his first love.  He hadn't understood it at fourteen, but looking back, Aiba saw that he had fallen head over heels for his friend in that brief period of time.  He didn't think about it much, anymore; first loves were supposed to be about the happy memories, Aiba thought, but he loved what he had with Jun now.  So he approached their relationship the way he did everything else, with his eyes looking forward, only occasionally glancing back to remember everything they had gone through.

Now, Arashi was approaching their tenth anniversary.  The next six months were jam-packed with releases and events, including a compilation album and a huge concert tour, and Aiba couldn't wait.  The tour details hadn't even been released to the public yet, but they were already well into rehearsals, with their opening night in Kokuritsu just over two months away.  They had just finished a grueling few hours of dance rehearsals, and Aiba sat in the dressing room, mopping the sweat from his face.  Dance rehearsal was always the first thing to get him pumped up for a concert, and he smiled slightly in anticipation, watching the others get ready to leave.

Dropping into a chair in the dressing room and running a hand through his sweaty hair, Jun sighed loudly. Dance rehearsals were always the worst when it came to preparing for concerts; they were the most draining and often the most frustrating. Not that Jun didn't enjoy dancing, but preparing for a venue like Kokuritsu was a tiring process, and Jun could already feel his muscles complaining. Grabbing his towel from amongst his things, Jun dried his face and tousled his hair before glancing and the mirror and frowning at his appearance. It was always a pain to make himself presentable again after rehearsals, but he supposed since he wasn't going anywhere and was going to have to wear a hat anyway, it wasn't that big of a deal.

Glancing away from the mirror and breaking out of his own little world, he caught a few words of Nino and Sho's conversation about cell phones disinterestedly before glancing back towards Ohno. He was slouched in his seat staring blankly into the distance, sweat still beaded on his face, and Jun couldn't help but grin adoringly. Rising from where he was and moving to stand before their Leader, he wiped away a bead of sweat with his finger, smiling as Ohno's eyes focused on him. "You're going to catch a cold if you don't dry off, Leader," he scolded, though there was no bite in his words. "Come on, if we make it out of here in the next century we can grab curry on the way home, okay? My treat."

Ohno smiled vaguely at him and nodded in understanding, but before Jun could say anything else, he could hear Nino's nasal voice cutting in from behind them, whiny as always. "That reminds me, Matsujun," he started, and Jun turned to see him, slouched in his chair, eyebrow raised at Jun. "On my way home the other day, I ran into your old manager."

Despite the fact that, by now, that should mean absolutely nothing, Jun's throat tightened and he swallowed, trying to pull himself together. "Oh?" he responded, trying to sound calmer than he was-- as calm as he should be, god, why was he getting so worked up?

"Yeah," Nino replied with a shrug and what Jun could swear was a bit of a smirk. "He sends his congratulations on the ten year anniversary." Standing and slinging his bag over his shoulder, he added as he turned for the door, "Maybe you should stop in and see him, for old time's sake?"

Jun could feel his heart pounding in his chest now, and it was so stupid, but fucking Nino, what the hell was his problem? Running a hand through his hair again and grabbing for his hat he forced a laugh. "Yeah. Maybe," he replied, but his voice was tight, and he squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. He really needed to get a grip, this was ridiculous. He was nearly twenty-six years old, he wasn't a kid anymore, and he needed to get a fucking grip.

Aiba watched as Nino's attention was torn away from Sho the moment Jun's was on Ohno, Nino's features rearranging into a scowl.  He wasn't sure what to think about those two lately.  He hated to see two of his best friends fighting over another, and he knew they both loved their Leader so much, each in his own way.  And it was always so hard to tell how Oh-chan really felt about anything...  Aiba was worried, because Matsujun seemed so happy about the whole thing, but Nino was obviously hurting, and when Nino was upset it was usually only a matter of time before things blew up.

So when Nino turned to Jun, the corners of his mouth turned up in a way that didn't mean he was happy, Aiba knew he wouldn't have anything good to say, but he would never have expected what actually came out of his mouth.  Nino's words made Aiba's insides turn to ice.  He hadn't thought about Jun's old manager in years.  Nino was being harsh even considering the circumstances--suggesting that Jun go see him, for old time's sake?  Aiba's eyes shot over to Jun, who looked pained, and he thought he could see a ghost of Jun's teenage self in that expression.  It must still hurt after all these years, Aiba thought, swallowing.  Even now, this was one issue he had no idea how to deal with, and he sat uncharacteristically silently as he watched Jun and Ohno gather their things, eventually remembering that he needed to get going himself, as well.

Jun spent the rest of the evening with Ohno-- true to his word, he bought them curry, which they ate in Jun's kitchen before taking a shower in Jun's bathroom and curling up comfortably in Jun's spacious bed. It was nice, but Jun was distracted; he couldn't get Nino's comments off of his mind, and he slept restlessly, waking up from anxiety dreams every few hours. "You're tired," Ohno announced as he stared back at Jun while they lie together in bed in the morning, "Something's on your mind," which was usually Ohno's way of asking if everything was all right, but Jun shrugged him off. "Nothing's wrong," he replied with a shrug, and Ohno didn't pry as Jun made him eggs for breakfast.

He figured he would forget it over the course of the day, shake it off during work, and though dancing and singing did occupy his mind during rehearsal, the thoughts of his manager came back to him during the breaks, and again, as he drove Ohno home that evening and ended up staying the night at Ohno's apartment, he was bothered by old memories. It was stupid, for him to be fretting about something that was completely over with, something that hadn't been an aspect of his life for years. But yet, here he was losing sleep over it despite the fact that he was comfortably in bed with his boyfriend after a long day of hard work, and he felt like an utter fool. How was he going to work on such little sleep, he scolded himself, but no matter what he thought, it plagued him, nonetheless.

And so, a few days later, as he waited in a dressing room for Masaki to come back for his photoshoot, he felt tired and lethargic. It was just the two of them; the other three had left earlier for prior engagements, and Jun figured he'd wait for Masaki and they could grab dinner or something. But for the time being, he was considering a nap on the sofa... if only he could stop fretting about his older manager.

Thoughts about Jun and his old manager stayed with Aiba for the rest of the day.  He couldn't get the look on Jun's face out of his mind.  Maybe no one else had noticed, but Jun had looked positively sick for a moment, and now Aiba was really worried.  He had been telling himself for years now that Jun was probably over it, that he had probably done whatever he needed to in order to deal with it ages ago, but clearly he wasn't.  Something in Jun still hurt, and it made Aiba ache to think about it.

The next day at work, Jun seemed a little out of it, and when Aiba looked closely, he definitely still looked upset about something, as much as he clearly tried to hide it.  Aiba couldn't exactly talk to him about it or bring it up while the others were around, though, so he kept his worry to himself for the next few days, fretting about it in his down time and trying to figure out some way to make sure Jun was all right.  His opportunity came after a photo shoot a few days later.  Aiba was the last to do his individual shots, and when he returned to the dressing room, only Jun remained, sitting on the sofa looking exhausted.  He smiled softly in greeting before changing his clothes quickly and joining Jun on the couch.  He sat right up against Jun, as he tended to do with his close friends, leaning into him a little.  "Hey," he said softly.  "How are you?"

Jun couldn't help but smile gently as he felt Aiba cuddle up against his side. At times like these, Masaki was always good for physical comfort, and Jun reached up to ruffle his hair affectionately. "Tired," he replied honestly, "Glad to be done. You?" Despite their one rough patch in the past, Masaki was a person Jun knew he could depend on, someone he knew would really look out for him, and sitting on the couch here with him was so comfortable that Jun was tempted not to mention dinner at all and just lay here all evening.

Aiba leaned his head into Jun's touch, closing his eyes for a moment.  He loved being close with his bandmates, and he loved how a little cuddling always instantly broke through Jun's cool exterior.  It almost felt like it would be nice to just take a nap together like this.  "Me too," he said, looking up at Jun.  He wasn't sure how to bring it up, but he knew he couldn't miss his chance to try to help Jun.  "I've been a little worried about you lately," he admitted, nuzzling his head back into the crook of Jun's neck.

Shaking his head and leaning into Masaki a little more, enjoying the closeness, Jun laughed softly. "I think we're all pretty tired," he replied, shrugging slightly against Masaki's body. "Don't worry about me, silly. Look out for yourself. I don't want you losing sleep for my sake." Maybe he was flattering himself, but he knew Masaki took it upon himself to look out for all of them, and he didn't want to be the reason Masaki was worrying himself sick.

Aiba shook his head.  He couldn't not worry about Jun.  "Ever since Nino brought up your old manager..."  He paused, contemplating how to phrase it.  "You've seemed worried," he finished, deciding that was the most diplomatic approach.  Aiba couldn't help but think back to the time in the bathroom of the main office building, when he had last tried to talk to Jun about this with such disastrous results.  He was afraid Jun would react badly again, but hopefully time had dulled at least some of the sting.

Jun frowned when Masaki mentioned the topic of his old manager, but really, that was the last thing he needed Masaki worrying about. It was his own stupid hang up, and he was going to get over it some way or another. "It's just... Nino being jealous and an asshole," he responded tiredly with a sigh, rolling his eyes and trying to make it seem like it was no big deal. But even talking about it made his throat a little tight, and he sat up a little, not increasing the distance between he and Masaki but tensing a little nonetheless. "That was just... the worst time of my life," he amended, his unaffected act faltering as he ran a hand through his hair. "I don't want think about it... I really... I just don't want to talk about it."

Aiba felt Jun tense against him, and his stomach clenched slightly with worry.  If Jun really didn't want to talk about it, it was probably best to drop the subject for now, but Aiba was never one to give up.  He would have to try again later from another angle or something.  As the rest of Jun's words processed, though, he couldn't help but look up at Jun, concerned.  "Was it really...the worst time of your life?"  Aiba knew it must have been horrible, but still, he had thought they had a lot of good memories from that time.

Jun really did laugh tiredly this time, leaning slightly back into Aiba, though it was more from feeling worn out than particularly affectionate. He could always depend on Aiba to be a shoulder for him to lean on, though, and Jun was glad for that. "I doubt puberty's a really great time for anyone," he replied diplomatically, shrugging. "And let's face it, I was an emotional mess and a complete eyesore and my manager was... well, you know." It was stupid that he couldn't bring himself to say and my manager was raping me twice weekly even now, but somehow, to admit it out loud somehow seemed to make it more of an issue, and so he slouched further into the sofa, feeling moody.

It was true, Aiba knew it must have been a difficult time for Jun, but at the same time he hoped that Jun had at least some happy memories from their teenage years.  Thinking back to that time in his life while leaning on Jun and breathing next to his skin brought back the memories for Aiba in such a sensory way that it was almost startling.  He remembered cuddling up to Jun just like this that first time in the karaoke booth...  But he pushed the memory to the back of his mind, focusing on the present, on Jun.  "Still...we had some good times, didn't we?" he mused.  "And so many big dreams..."

"I guess," Jun replied indecisively, not looking at Masaki. He didn't like looking back to that part of his life, didn't like thinking about how whatever sort of relationship he had had with Masaki in their early teenage years was torn apart by Masaki's prying and Jun's temper. It was a defense mechanism that he had practically perfected over the past eleven years, and Jun's conscious recollection was that it was because it hurt to remember the fights, but... thinking back now, remembering the way they used to hold hands, used to kiss, used to lay curled up together on the floor of Masaki's bedroom... What was it that they had had back then, anyway? Back before Jun knew the first thing about sexuality or attraction or love... what had they been together?

But whatever it was, Jun reminded himself, it was long gone now, and they were adults and they were coworkers and they were friends. They could be mature now, and even if it wasn't as exciting as that tumultuous time in the midst of adolescence, it could be sturdy and dependable and so much less likely to end in pain. "We were stupid back then," he amended quietly, more thinking aloud than actually conversing, but he didn't recant the statement; it was true.

"Stupid?" Aiba mused, letting himself get a little lost in the memories.  It had been such a brief period of time that their whole friendship or romance or whatever it had been was packed into, and looking back it seemed like everything had been all the more intense because of it.  Of course they had both been naive back then, of course Aiba had done stupid things, but...he couldn't discount all the memories because of that.  In fact, one of the most naive things he had tried to do was one of the most vivid memories, and one of the most precious, really.  "Do you remember Sally?"  He breathed against Jun's shoulder for a moment, remembering.  "I was so naive, but...I'm still glad I have that memory.  With you."

Masaki's words made Jun's throat tighten, but he nodded. "Mm," he hummed noncommittally in response, but of course he remembered. Masaki had loved that stupid bird with all of his heart, the way he loved everything, and Jun had had absolutely no idea what to do when it died. He could still recall the way his heart had practically stopped beating when he heard Masaki's tear-choked voice over the phone, could still feel the flimsy cardboard of the box as he shoved it into the incinerator. And, of course, he could still remember what came after, but it was better not to think about it. Instead, he chuckled under his breath, mussing Masaki's hair as he pointed out, "I told you it wasn't your fault and you wouldn't believe me, you piece of work."

"I was fourteen!"  Aiba pouted, but he was glad he was getting Matsujun to reminisce about something other than his horrible experience with his manager.  He knew that no amount of good memories could ever make that go away, though, and the worry was still settled in the pit of his stomach.  Sitting there cuddled together on the sofa, reminiscing about their shared childhood, it really did feel to Aiba like the right time to talk about it, but maybe that was just his imagination.  "Are you sure you're okay?" he asked softly.  The last thing he wanted was for Jun to pretend everything was fine for his sake.

Why was he so hung up on Jun's issues? Whatever was wrong, Jun could work it out himself, and besides, the only thing that was wrong was that Jun needed to stop thinking about it, and that wasn't going to happen with Masaki bringing it up all the time. Really, all Jun had ever wanted to do was not think or talk about what had happened with his manager, and he didn't understand why Masaki just didn't get it. He lifted his head, turning to look Masaki in the eye to tell him so, but somehow, his friend was a lot closer than Jun had thought, and he found himself practically nose to nose with Masaki. Jun's breath caught in his throat; it wasn't like he thought about Masaki that way anymore, but they were awfully close and he could smell Masaki and they'd been here so many times in childhood, they'd shared so many kisses...

"Masaki..." Jun breathed, somehow having lost his voice in the moment, but he was frozen in place, he was suddenly a child again, about to experience his first kiss. The memory was so vivid in his mind, the music of their senpai playing in the background, the feel of the karaoke bench beneath them... it was made his breath catch in his throat, and it was a long few seconds before he was able to gather himself, feeling unbalanced and shaken.

But somehow, he came back to himself, and, flushing, he stood abruptly, swallowing and pressing his palms to his face, squeezing his eyes shut. What was his problem? He was an adult now, he didn't need to be thinking about any of that. "Masaki-- don't do this to me again," he finally replied tightly, taking a deep breath before turning back to face his friend and opening his eyes. "I can't do this again."

For a moment, Aiba was sure Jun was going to kiss him, just like they used to, and he froze where he was, his brain going on overdrive.  Was Jun really going to--?  Or at least, was he going to say something to really answer Aiba's question?  But then suddenly Jun was moving away, standing, closing himself off again.  Same as always.  Aiba had really thought that maybe he had gotten through, this time, but apparently not.  He sighed, shaking his head and running a hand through his hair.  "Okay," he said, looking away from Jun.  "Okay, I won't."  He didn't know what else to do anymore, and the fact that his heart was still beating double time after their almost-kiss didn't help.

Masaki looked distinctly dejected, and Jun felt like a jerk, but this wasn't just anything, this was a major trauma in Jun's life, and he couldn't very well move on if Masaki kept digging it back up. "Look, I'm sorry," he tried, attempting to catch Masaki's eyes, but apparently, it was no use. Sighing, Jun put a hand to his face again. He couldn't take this anymore, and so he turned his back again shaking his head. "God... I'm out of here. Catch you later."

Aiba wanted to go after Jun, to make things better so they didn't leave on such a bad note, but if Jun didn't want to talk, it seemed that it could only make things worse.  He hated feeling helpless more than almost anything else, but what could he do?  Whatever he had been doing wrong eleven years before, he was still doing wrong, because every time he tried to help Jun just closed himself off.  He knew he should probably accept that there was nothing he could do, but for Aiba, that was impossible.  He couldn't just give up and make himself stop worrying about his friend.

So for nearly a month, Aiba worried.  He didn't worry all the time, but sometimes the sight of Jun looking tired or just something random would make him think of it, and he would feel helpless all over again.  He threw himself into concert preparations as he always did, and the building excitement helped to boost his spirits, but occasionally the worry crept into his consciousness, wearing him down little by little.  He tried not to let any of it show, though, because making his bandmates worry when the whole source of the problem was his own worry would be ridiculous.  Today was no different, and despite his tiredness after a long day of rehearsals, Aiba entered the dressing room with a smile on his face, setting down his water bottle and running a towel through his hair.

Jun dropped down onto a chair in the dressing room, sighing heavily. More than anything, he was exhausted; they had all been working nonstop in preparation for the upcoming concert. That was the nature of being an idol, of course, but Jun hadn't been getting enough sleep and he was tired and on top of it all, Nino's comment from a month ago was still bothering him. He had been trying to get it out of his head for so long now, yet despite how hard he was concentrating on anything, it still wormed his way into his head when he was least expecting.

And today, he couldn't even keep his focus on dancing for how much he was fretting. It was absolutely stupid and ridiculous, but he kept messing up his choreography, and by the time rehearsal was over, he was completely frustrated with himself. And so, running his hands through his hair, he leaned back in his chair, slouching poutily. "Sorry I'm good for nothing today," he groaned, grabbing for his water bottle. They had run a half hour over, and Jun felt that the majority of it was because he couldn't keep his concentration.

Aiba glanced over at Jun, taking in his pout and his slouch and his self-pitying apology.  Usually, Aiba would be the first to try to cheer up a dejected bandmate, whether with compliments or silly jokes or just a hug, but something in Jun's tone was rubbing him the wrong way.  After turning down Aiba's sympathy, making him worry for weeks, and obviously making himself upset enough to fall behind in dance rehearsal, now he was looking for sympathy?  Aiba should just stay quiet, he knew.  It was better to just say nothing if he didn't have anything nice to say.  But as he sat there turning everything around and around in his mind, something inside him snapped, and he couldn't hold himself back any longer.  "Are you looking for our pity?" he burst out, not loudly but not especially quietly either.  "I tried to help you weeks ago, I tried to talk to you-- years ago, actually, and you didn't want any of it.  So now after I've been worrying for weeks, and you've obviously been worrying for weeks, you think a little self-pitying apology is going to make everything better?"  He closed his eyes, breathing hard.  Shit.  He had just blown up at his bandmate, barely a month before a concert.  He buried his face in his hands, not wanting to look at the others.

Jun's eyes snapped to Masaki at his outburst, more stunned than anything. He knew he had been being sulky and a bit selfish, but Aiba's response was completely out of line, and Jun could felt his stomach knotting in anger. When Masaki had finished his tirade, Jun glared right back at him, getting to his feet. "You thought you were helping? By digging into my worst memories and making me relive the worst time of my life, you thought you were helping? I'm so sorry that I was victimized in my childhood-- my bad! But your digging isn't going to change that!" Running his hands through his hair and turning his back abruptly, Jun tried to take deep breaths, but his temper was running wild now, and he couldn't bite his tongue. "You just want to keep thinking that you can fix everything. Well, reality check-- you can't. Don't kid yourself." As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he regretted them, and he realized belatedly that the room had become deathly quiet, that everyone was staring at them. Swallowing, his mind raced, but he didn't know where to go from here. He couldn't bring himself to apologize, but already, he was feeling guilty for his words. Turning again, he glanced to Masaki, trying to gauge his response.

Jun's words felt like a punch to Aiba's gut, and his throat felt tight, his face hot.  When he uncovered his eyes, he was faced with Jun's back, and he tried to breathe evenly and find the right thing to say, but Jun's tirade continued.  He didn't know if he was more angry or hurt anymore, but he couldn't think straight, couldn't breathe right.  When he met Jun's eyes, though, he couldn't take it anymore.  They were full of anger and hurt, and Aiba felt guilty and helpless and completely pissed off that things had gotten to this point and there was nothing he could do about it.  Grabbing his things, he stood abruptly, tears prickling at his eyes.  "See you tomorrow," he choked out, brushing past Jun and out the door.  Maybe Jun was right; maybe there were some things that couldn't be fixed.

Jun's heart leapt into his throat where he heard Masaki's breathing grow rough and uneven; ever since Masaki's lung collapsing, Jun had nightmares about that horrible moment when he didn't know if Masaki would be all right, and hearing him gasp for breath just on its own was liable to turn Jun into a nervous wreck. But now, on top of everything else, it made him want to cry more than anything, and as Masaki pushed his way out of the room, Jun felt like a complete idiot. Sure, he had wanted Masaki to stop prying into things that made Jun unhappy, but where did he get off saying that to one of his closest friends? He stood for a moment, staring at the doorway, before collapsing back into his seat and dropping his head into his hands as the tears began to form. He felt like the biggest asshole in the world, and even when he felt Ohno's hand on his shoulder in a gesture of comfort, he couldn't be consoled. What was his life coming to these days, he wondered, when he couldn't get over a stupid comment from Nino and then proceeded to push his friends away. What was wrong with him?

After going back to his apartment and crying into his pillow for a little while, Aiba felt more calm, but he still didn't know whether to feel more angry at Jun or himself.  He was the one who had screwed things up by sticking his nose where it didn't belong, just like Jun had said.  But at the same time, that was never how Aiba had looked at things.  He wanted to help his friends, and since when was asking if someone was all right prying into their business?  It still felt like it was all his fault, in the end, but he didn't have any desire to apologize when Jun was being so difficult in return.

By the time he needed to go to rehearsal the next day, Aiba hadn't figured anything out, so for lack of any alternative, he tried to pretend things were normal.  It didn't really work, and he and Jun passed the next few days awkwardly, not talking much but not fighting, either.  It was stressful, always having the anger and hurt simmering beneath the surface and knowing that the others were worried because of him, but Aiba was really at a loss for how to make things better.

Finally, much to Aiba's relief, they had a rare afternoon off.  He had already been planning to spend the time at Nino's place, so he knew he could look forward to a lazy afternoon of video games and relaxing.  He couldn't run from his problems forever, though, and after well over a decade of friendship with Nino, Aiba knew that for all his pretending to not care about people or feelings, he gave pretty good advice.  Aiba couldn't let this go on forever--for Arashi's sake, if nothing else, he needed to figure out what to do.  So, once they were settled on Nino's sofa with bentous heated up from the conbini, Aiba forced himself to bring it up.  "Nino...  I don't know what to do about Matsujun anymore," he admitted, keeping his gaze on his food.

Nino sometimes wondered why it always came to this. It wasn't of course, that he didn't care for Aiba; after spending so long together, Aiba was probably the person who knew Nino the best, in a way that only a childhood friend could. It wasn't the same as it was with Satoshi (though Nino was doing his best not to think about Satoshi these days, to prevent a misdirected temper tantrum); Satoshi could read Nino like a book, could understand his way of thinking much better than anyone Nino had ever met, but there as just something natural and right about being with Aiba, like with a brother. Aiba knew everything there was to know about Nino just like Nino could always tell what his sister was thinking even without reading her diary (though he did to provoke her, anyway), and despite Nino's usually prickly exterior, Aiba was someone around whom he couldn't help but be a little soft.

But that didn't mean that Nino wanted to be Aiba's relationship counsellor, especially when it came to Jun. Jun was also Nino's friend, of course, and someone he had known almost as long as he had known Aiba (though, right now Jun was about as far into Nino's black book as one could possibly get), but he had never been connected to Jun like Aiba had. There was something that fit between those two, they had some common element that linked them together intrinsically, they always had. From the moment Nino first saw them interacting with one another, he had known the path they wee headed down-- or at least, he thought he had. But then things between them had practically fallen apart entirely back in their Junior days, and had never been quite the same since. They had grown back together, though, slowly but surely, and it was getting to the point again when Nino had felt like it was a waiting game until they were living out of one another's apartments and kissing as often as they held hands... and now this. He didn't understand what it was, but every time they seemed ready to realize they were in love with one another, something went wrong, and, in Nino's opinion, it was awfully ridiculous.

But despite his investments with both of his friends, with their happiness and the internal relations of Arashi, eleven and a half years after his earliest talks on the subject with Aiba, Nino still hated talking about relationships. And so, when Aiba asked about Jun, Nino practically groaned aloud, rolling his eyes. "Forget the loser, he's an asshole," he replied contrarily, flopping back against the couch. He knew Aiba wasn't going to take that for an answer, but it was worth a shot. "He's pissing you off, isn't he? So just forget about him. You can do better."

Aiba knew he should have expected an answer like that from Nino, especially when he couldn't glance around Nino's apartment without seeing a sweatshirt or a pair of sandals or an umbrella that he was pretty sure belonged to their Leader, and when he was pretty sure that same Leader was at Jun's apartment at that very moment.  But putting Nino's problems aside with a mental note to make sure he was all right later, Aiba focused on the issue at hand.  He shook his head, pouting at Nino.  "I can't do that!  What about Arashi?"  And all the other reasons Aiba didn't want to lose Jun as a friend, but Arashi was the easiest to come out and say when he was still so annoyed at Jun.

What about Arashi indeed? That was an easy excuse, and if Aiba was really mad enough at Jun to be falling back on it, Nino figured he needed some serious turning around. Which Nino would, of course, walk him through, but no one was allowed to say that he didn't help people. Aiba and Jun better name their firstborn after him, or something. "What about it?" he asked with a shrug, stuffing a large slice of tonkatsu into his mouth and chewing with raised brows. Nino had long counted the fact that they all got along more than well together to be a blessing, not a necessity-- this was the entertainment business, not the band club at school, and they were here to make art and money, not friends. It was luck that the chemistry they showed the world did, in some form, exist between their members, not a prerequisite for fame. "We just have to keep the fangirls buying that you like one another, and you're both halfway decent actors. Who gives a shit? If he's an asshole, you're not duty-bound to like him."

"Arashi's more than just a job, Nino," Aiba said, and he knew that Nino knew what he meant, even if he would never admit it.  But still, Nino's words replayed in Aiba's mind despite himself, and he stared at his food unhappily.  Who did give a shit, he asked himself.  Maybe it wasn't worth it, after all his failed attempts to really communicate with Jun.  Maybe they just weren't meant to be close friends.  But even as the thought entered his mind it felt wrong.  The idea of giving up on Jun made Aiba's stomach twist unpleasantly, and it didn't have anything to do with Arashi.  "I can't," he told Nino.  "Even if he's an asshole, I can't just forget about him."

"Who said anything about a job? We're here to bring joy to hearts of millions," Nino replied facetiously, giving Aiba a grin. At least they were getting somewhere, though, he after a few thoughtful bites of rice and egg, Nino continued, "Why can't you forget about him? If all he does is make you upset, then it's not worth it. Everyone loves you, so it's not like he's your only friend or something." Maybe we should fuck, Nino thought sarcastically, and see how Jun liked it. Though he doubted that would work or get Ohno back to him any easier or faster.

The twisting in Aiba's stomach wasn't helping his appetite, but figuring he should eat his bentou before it got too cold, he took a bite of tonkatsu, contemplating Nino's words.  Jun did way more than just make Aiba upset; they had tons of great memories together.  "Just...just the other day," Aiba said around the tonkatsu, "We were sitting on the couch together reminiscing about old times...  And then suddenly he started being a jerk.  One minute we were having a good time, and the next..."  He swallowed his food, frowning.  "I don't get it.  But he's my friend, I can't just not care about him!"  It was true, Aiba knew.  The whole mess had stemmed from him caring about Jun, maybe too much, and as angry as he was, that fact hadn't changed.

"Don't talk with your mouth full," Nino snapped, wincing at Aiba. "And you keep saying that you care about him, but what does that mean, anyway?" Aiba was being obtuse, but Nino wasn't about to just feed it to him. He had to figure out his feelings on his own... but he was making it hard. Frowning, Nino gestured vaguely. "Look, what if it was me? What if you were trying to make me feel better and I was ignoring you. You wouldn't get in a fit like this, would you?"

Aiba opened his mouth to say of course he would, but at the last moment he stopped himself, looking back down at his bentou and really trying to imagine it.  Of course he would be upset, but when it came to Nino, he didn't quite get the same nauseous, unpleasant feeling in his stomach.  He would hate fighting with Nino, and he would hate feeling powerless to help him, but somehow with Jun it felt more complicated than that.  Maybe it was because of their history together, and all the times Aiba had failed to help Jun in the past...  He remembered what it had felt like to lose Jun the first time, and the feeling made all the more sense now that he understood that he had been in love with Jun back then.  And if he was honest with himself... the thought of possibly losing Jun again made Aiba's heart seize up in a frighteningly similar way.  He shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut.  "The thought of losing him makes me sick to my stomach," he admitted.

Aiba seemed like he had sort of figured it out, or at least, so some degree, and Nino took the opportunity to shove the rest of his rice into his mouth before setting the bentou and cabbage aside with a distasteful glance. "So then," he drawled, looking back to Aiba, "What's the difference between me and Jun? I'll be hurt if you say he's a better friend than me, just so you know. No more video games for you."

"N-no!"  Aiba flailed slightly before realizing that Nino was joking and sticking his tongue out at him.  No, Jun wasn't a better friend than Nino, and Aiba didn't care more about him than Nino, but... as he thought more about how he had felt eleven years ago, it was seeming more and more similar to how he felt now.  That realization led him to think about his reaction to their almost-kiss a month previously, as well as his complete inability to act rationally about the whole situation...  It all added up, Aiba realized with a sinking feeling.  But what did that help?  What would being in love with Jun do besides complicate things more, and make Aiba hurt more in the end?  He couldn't deny it, though.  Aiba had fallen in love his share of time, and the moment he thought about Jun, about cuddling together on the sofa that day, about any of the times they had spent together, he knew it was true.  "Fuck," Aiba said, dropping his head into his hands, and somehow he knew that Nino must know.  "How does that help anything?"

"Hey, just trying to help you make an informed decision," Nino replied quickly, putting his hands up. Slouching further back into the couch, he tipped slightly to rest his head on Aiba's shoulder, looking up at him. Physical contact wasn't usually Nino's thing, but... well, Aiba had always been a special case in Nino's book. "But just think. Being in love's made you a complete idiot for the past few weeks and you didn't even know it... maybe Jun's got a similar story." He raised his eyebrows, cocking his head in that way that said you know I'm right. "And at any rate, regardless, you can decide where to go from here."

Aiba leaned closer, resting his head on top of Nino's and pouting.  "Maybe..."  He couldn't let himself get his hopes up, but it was true, at least now he knew what was going on, sort of.  "I still don't know how to make things better, though..."  Aiba buried his nose in Nino's hair, snaking an arm around his thin shoulders.  Nino had never been much of a hug person, Aiba knew, but sometimes he just needed a hug, even if it wasn't going to be reciprocated.

Nino rolled his eyes. "You're not getting a consolation fuck out of me, no matter how much you try to endear yourself to me," he commented blandly, squirming in Aiba's arms. "Anyway... I can't fix anything for you. I'm just here for forced hugs and video games." As far as Nino was concerned, his job here was done... but he wanted Aiba to know he was here if he needed him.

Aiba smiled despite himself, squeezing Nino as he squirmed.  As much as Nino tried to pretend not to care, he clearly did, and Aiba was really grateful to have him as a friend.  "Thanks," he murmured, finally letting Nino extricate himself from his arms.  He would have to figure out what to do next, since now he knew that he couldn't keep going the way he had been, but that could wait.  For now, an afternoon of thinking about nothing sounded just about perfect.  "Well, where are the video games, then?" he asked, crossing his arms in mock impatience.

True to his word, Nino provided plenty of video games (and a few more forced hugs), and by the time Aiba left a few hours later, he felt significantly less stressed.  Still, he had no idea what to do with his newfound awareness, and he knew he wouldn't be able to avoid worrying about it during a long night at home alone.  Maybe there would be a good movie on TV, and then he could get to sleep early, he tried to console himself, but despite the possibilities, as he made his way home, Aiba was not looking forward to the rest of the evening.

After a week of basically avoiding Masaki and trying to mentally block out his troubles by brute force and over working himself, Jun was looking forward to an afternoon off. He and Ohno went out to ramen before heading back to Ohno's place to relax for the evening, which was something Jun felt like he hadn't been able to enjoy in a long time. It was nice to spend a few hours curled up together on Ohno's old, worn couch in his cluttered living room watching mindless TV, but as the day progressed, Jun could tell that Ohno's mind was somewhere else. After a few hours of little to no response and cloudier-than-usual gazes, Jun finally gave in, catching Ohno's attention with a kiss before meeting his eyes. "What's up?" he asked gently, his hand lingering on his boyfriend's cheek, and Ohno smiled calmly back at him.

"Oh, I was just worrying about you and Aiba-chan," he replied sing-songily, but Jun's brow furrowed. Why was Ohno worrying about his problems, too? With Ohno, it was somehow more endearing, since he wasn't openly attempting to dig in Jun's affairs and Jun, actually, had asked him. Still, it was worrying that apparently everyone was worrying about Jun and Masaki, and so Jun forced a smile. "We're fine."

But Ohno pouted at him, frowning. "You both seem really upset," he replied slowly, thoughtfully. "And I feel a little bad, since he's in love with you..."

Jun's jaw dropped at Ohno's words, and he gaped for a long moment as he tried to figure out what exactly was going on. Masaki, in love with him? That didn't make any sense! Sure, they'd kissed a lot as kids, but they were just horny stupid kids! And now... now they had each had their fair share of lovers, and Masaki hadn't said a bad word to speak of when Jun had started seeing Ohno! So what could Ohno possibly be talking about?

Breaking out of his state of shock, Jun managed a forced laugh. "In love with me? Are you kidding?"

Ohno only blinked at him. "Well, why do you think he's been doing nothing but worry about you for a while now?"

Which was true, but... in love? Masaki was probably worried because Masaki cared about his friends too much, because Masaki wanted to answer everyone's problems singlehandedly. Except for the fact that he had only been bothering Jun. And it had been the same when they were kids... and he'd said what he had with Jun was special. Not like kissing other boys. But that was years and years and years ago, and they were adults now, and not children... yet, why was it becoming easier and easier to believe what Ohno was saying? Remembering the way Masaki had been pressed up against his side that one day in the dressing room, remembering how it had been to come somehow close to kissing him again...

"But then..." Jun tried lamely, struggling to find new footing. "Shouldn't you talk to him?"

"Well, I figured you loved him, too," Ohno replied matter-of-factly, and Jun was blown away once again.

"Leader!" he gasped out breathlessly, "I'm... I'm seeing you!"

"I know," Ohno replied calming with a little shrug, "But I don't expect you to be in love with me."

"But I do love you," Jun insisted, hurt. What was even going on? One moment, he was enjoying his day off, and now his boyfriend was trying to get him together with their mutual friend? This didn't make any sense, and Jun wondered if he was going to wake up from some bizarre dream at any moment, but unfortunately, pinching himself had no effect, and so he stared back at Ohno in speechless confusion.

"I know you love me," Ohno replied easily, "But you're in love with him. You have been since you were kids, haven't you?"

No, Jun wanted to reply right off the bat, but something inside of him staid his words, and he was hit with a wave of emotion and memories. The way he had felt as a child when Masaki had held his hand, had kissed him. When Masaki had called him amazing, or depended on him, when Masaki had smiled just for him... Jun had felt like everything in his life was perfect. He could still remembering thinking that they couldn't have dated because Jun wasn't a girl... which meant that he had been thinking about it at all. And the hurt he had felt when he discovered Masaki kissed other boys, the anguish when their relationship had fallen apart... Maybe Jun didn't know what love was, but maybe, just maybe, he had been turning a blind eye to it for the past eleven years.

He was absolutely speechless, floundering for words, but Ohno seemed unfazed, continuing. "And you know, it's easier when someone knows. About you and your manager, I mean."

Jun's eyes snapped from where they had been gazing, unfocused, at the wall behind Ohno to Ohno's eyes in disbelief. He had never told anyone about his sexual abuse at the hands of his manager-- he knew Nino had known, and Masaki, but no one else, and at Ohno's words, he was one again sent reeling. "Wh-- what?" he asked, utterly at a loss, but Ohno simply shrugged.

"Something similar happened to me," he replied simply. "It was easier when Kazu knew."

At that, feeling too overwhelmed to even address the issue at hand, Jun laughed tensely. "What, did Nino put you up to this?"

Ohno's brow furrowed. "Of course not."

"Good," Jun replied absently, running a hand through his hair and trying to gather his thoughts. "I had the feeling he was going to come kill me in my sleep sometime soon."

Ohno blinked at him. "Kill you? No, Kazu probably wouldn't kill you," he replied, offering Jun a serene smile. "Most likely you'd only be in the hospital for a few months."

And so, after a lot more brooding and a little impulsive decision-making, Jun was out on an unexpected venture as the sun began to set. Maybe this was absolutely insane, but... maybe Jun did love Masaki. Maybe Masaki was what he had been looking for this whole time, and he didn't know it. Maybe, in his fear and pain, he had shoved away the person he wanted the most, and as crazy as those theories sounded, the thought of drawing Masaki back into his arms and kissing him the way he had when they were children was sounding more and more undeniably appealing. But, of course, Jun had pushed Masaki out his life the first time, and so now he was trying to navigate his way through heavy early-evening traffic to get to Masaki's building to give this crazy idea a shot in hopes that Masaki would give him one last chance. It was a long shot, but... Jun hoped that maybe, just maybe, it would work out for them.