Yugo and Kento rp [part 7 of 10]
Aug. 6th, 2013 07:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
chromaticAll warnings are the same as in Part 1!
Things didn't change much in the next couple weeks as the first leg of Sexy Zone's tour crept closer. Kento continued to meet with Yugo secretly, if they ended up in the same building for work, or if they both had a morning or an evening free while their husbands weren't around. Kento knew deep down that this wasn't a solution, that nothing could really improve if they kept going this way... but he couldn't bring himself to stop, couldn't give up being with Yugo when he looked forward to seeing him so much, when often it felt like spending time with Yugo, talking to Yugo, having sex with Yugo was the only stress relief he got anymore.
Soon enough, though, it was time for Sexy Zone to leave to head west for just over two weeks of concerts in Nagoya, Osaka, and Hiroshima, and Kento found himself rushing to get everything ready, to get all his things packed and the kids off to his parents' house, and amongst everything, he felt like he barely had time for a proper goodbye with Yugo. He had promised to call the last time they saw each other, though, and he texted him again from the shinkansen, hiding his phone screen from Fuma in the seat next to him. I'll miss you. Good luck with rehearsals. Now that they were on their way and the frenzy of preparation was over, Kento had nothing left to distract him from the fact that he really didn't know how this tour was going to go, that he and Shori were going to spend the next two weeks staying in hotels together and performing together, and he wasn't really sure if pretending everything was normal was going to keep working.
Things went from bad to worse when, just about two weeks after Jesse returned, Sexy Zone left Tokyo for the beginning of their next tour. In the past two weeks, Yugo had been clinging to Kento like a life vest, somehow knocked even lower by Jesse's return and the harsh slap of reality that, no matter if he was at home or away, Jesse was never going to have time for Yugo, for their family. It wasn't the answer, but he didn't know what was, and so he held on and hoped for the best, that maybe one day, somehow, he and Kento would find a way to make their marriages work out.
But in reality, the thought of not having Kento to fall back on was horrifying, and it became a reality soon enough, leaving Yugo all alone once again, tending to Taira and working all day and coming home to an empty bed, and this time without Kento to fall back on. Jesse did find time, every once in a while, for a family dinner, or to take Taira home after school, but it was minimal, and it wasn't enough to hold Yugo up, not so little, not after so long.
But Kento texted him, at the very least, as often as he could, and Yugo found himself getting wrapped up in their conversations, losing himself into his phone screen. When he was left to run rehearsals, his attention span began to waver as he wondered if Kento had texted back, and he began checking his phone far too often to be really responsible; when he was in rehearsal, he began to leave his phone with his water bottle, so that he could check surreptitiously when he went for a drink. He was falling apart at the seams, really, this affair as tearing him apart, but at the same time, it felt like the only thing holding him together, and so he couldn't stop, he couldn't. Besides, the texts were only barely enough to tide him over until the evening calls, something to look forward to consistently every night, whether they were right as he put Taira to bed or late enough that he worried Jesse might be home any minute. But it didn't matter when; early or late, Yugo found himself watching the clock and his phone, waiting minute by minute for Kento's calls each day. Maybe it was awful of him, but he felt as if, with Kento gone, it was his bare minimum to get by. And so each day, he spent his entire day attached to his phone screen and waiting for a call and counting down the days until Kento came home again.
Touring was a strange mix of highs and lows for Kento, with the adrenaline of performing for tens of thousands of fans helping him to forget his problems for a while, to remember his love for Shori and exchange smiles or high fives onstage, and occasionally more off stage. After one particularly successful show, they even ended up having sex, intense, still-stage-high sex for the first time in months, but the next morning things were back to their usual, and even on tour, the good times between them were the exception rather than the rule. They hardly talked off stage besides to hand the phone back and forth when they called Kento's parents to say good night to the kids, and Kento found himself missing Yugo more and more, missing having someone to talk to at good times and bad, someone to cuddle with and relax with, and he looked forward to his phone calls with Yugo, depended on them really, more than he cared to admit. He texted Yugo as often as he could, and snuck away to call him every night to get his little escape, a few minutes to just talk to Yugo and not have to pretend.
So for Kento, where tours usually flew by far too quickly in a whirlwind of concerts and uchiages and fun times with his bandmates, this one dragged, full of far too much worry and waiting and awkwardness, and he found himself eager to get back to Tokyo, something he didn't usually feel on tour. By the end of the trip, his phone calls were getting longer, but it was hard to bring himself to care whether his bandmates ever wondered where he was when he looked forward to his time talking to Yugo so much.
Fuma was worried. Before they left on tour, he had tried not to think about Kento and Shori's apparent problems too much, telling himself that they needed to focus on tour preparations for now and settling for just reminding both of them that he was there if they wanted to talk. Now that they were on tour, though, and Fuma was with his band all day, every day, it was a lot harder to keep from worrying. The concerts themselves went off all right, although Fuma could tell that they could have gone even better with Kento and Shori's usual level of enthusiasm and cooperation and love, but then outside of the concerts... things between them were definitely no better, and possibly even worse, Fuma thought. He could tell that Marius and Sou knew something was wrong, as well, but he didn't know what any of them could do if Kento and Shori didn't want to talk about it.
So the tour went on, through Nagoya and Osaka and finally Hiroshima, and Fuma continued to tell his worries to Hokuto over the phone in the evenings and give his best in their concerts during the day. One evening a few days before they were scheduled to return to Tokyo, Hokuto had a late-night filming, so they had talked earlier in the day and Marius and Sou had invited Fuma to join them for drinks in the hotel bar that night. After saying good night to his kids and making sure everything was fine with the babysitter, he headed down to the bar. On the way there, though, he heard a familiar voice coming from some out-of-sight spot around a corner, and the words he heard made him freeze in horror.
"Yugo," Kento was saying, "I wish you weren't so far away..." Fuma put a hand over his mouth to keep himself from making noise, and he felt his stomach knotting up, because it sounded like... "I keep thinking about you, and missing you," Kento continued, and now Fuma was starting to feel sick, whether from worry or anger he wasn't sure, because how could Kento do this? How could Yugo do this? He didn't want to hear any more, and he turned around, going back to his room and shutting the door before leaning back against it, his head spinning. How could they do this? To Shori, to Jesse, to their kids? All this time, Fuma had been so worried about Kento, and he'd been--having an affair? Fuma really was starting to feel sick now, and he sat heavily on his bed, pulling out his phone to text the other two that he wasn't feeling up to drinks after all.
He didn't know what to do, though, now that he knew. He had to talk to Kento... right? And to Yugo. The thought of his two best friends having a secret affair behind his back, behind their husbands' backs was almost impossible to process, but underneath all the shock and horror and anger, Fuma knew he had to talk to them. In the morning, he told himself, in the morning he would confront Kento about what he'd heard... It was going to be a long night, though, with so much to worry about and no Hokuto to fall asleep on the phone with.
Even if it hadn't been for the tone Fuma used to say, "We need to talk," Kento could have told by the way Fuma was glaring at him that this was definitely not good news. He followed Fuma back to Fuma's room, sitting in the chair Fuma offered and waiting for him to speak, dreading what was probably about to happen.
"I... I heard you last night," Fuma said, drawing his lips into a tight line and not letting up on his glare. "I know what you've been doing. With..." He paused, swallowing. "With Yugo."
Kento had known something like this must be coming when Fuma had demanded they talk, but still, hearing Fuma say the words made Kento's stomach twist and his heart speed up in panic, because it had come to this, their secret wasn't a secret anymore, and Fuma was seething. He didn't know what to say, though, how to defend himself if Fuma had really heard what he'd said to Yugo, because nothing was going to convince Fuma that this was okay--because it wasn't okay, but also because Fuma, with his perfect, storybook marriage and family, could never understand why they were doing it.
Before Kento could find the words to answer, though, Fuma was speaking again, his voice rising in pitch. "How could you do this? Don't you realize what you're doing to your family, to your husband, to Sexy Zone?"
"You don't understand!" Kento finally spat out, his own voice rising to match Fuma's. Fuma was full of questions, but it was clear that he wasn't actually going to listen to anything Kento had to say, and it wasn't like Kento needed to be told that he should feel guilty about what he was doing. "It's not like I think this is all fine or something! But... you just don't understand what either of us are dealing with." Kento dropped his face into his hand, rubbing his eyes. There was no way this was going to end well.
"I don't understand? What is there to understand??" Fuma's voice was rising even further as he grew angrier, and he shook his head incredulously. "You're ruining your marriage and throwing off the whole dynamic of our band, not to mention the effect it must be having on your children!" He shook his head again. "I'm going to talk to Yugo about this too, you know. I... I'll wait to do it in person, but I'm going to tell him that I know."
Kento sighed heavily, his defensiveness starting to deflate, leaving him feeling exhausted. "I'll talk to him about it, too," he said, knowing that Fuma wouldn't accept any other answer, but also that really, there was no other choice. He and Yugo would have to figure out where to go from here. The thought of Fuma telling Yugo brought up another terrifying possibility in Kento's mind, though, and his eyes snapped up to looking Fuma again. "Does Hokuto know?" When Fuma shook his head, Kento let out his breath, allowing himself to feel just a little relieved, because if there was anyone who would be more angry about their affair than Fuma, it was Hokuto. "I'll talk to Kouchi," Kento said, feeling utterly defeated. "So please don't tell anyone for now?"
"I'll do my best," Fuma said, keeping up his disapproving glare all the while as Kento stood up to leave. Kento would have to call Yugo to break the news to him as soon as he could, and as his thoughts turned to that instead of Fuma's anger, he felt more guilt start to rise, because it was his carelessness that had gotten them caught, and basically his fault that things might be ruined between him and Yugo. It was an awful feeling, coupled with the prospect of having to stop their affair, and it was with a heavy heart that Kento texted Yugo, asking when he had some time to talk that day.
When his phone vibrated in his pocket, signaling that he had a text from Kento, Yugo felt his heart speed up in his chest, his attention veering away from the children on the stage with alarming speed. He knew he couldn't check his phone in the middle of rehearsal, though, especially when he was the one running it, and so he did his very best to push it from his mind and concentrate on the juniors' dancing. It was hard, though, especially when he had seen these particular children do this particular dance a million times before, and it felt like years when finally, the run-through was over and finally, Yugo had a whole fifteen minutes of freedom. Pulling out his phone, he opened the message from Kento only to be surprised and concerned by its contents. The way Kento phrased his question made it seem as if something was wrong, and Yugo's stomach knotted with worry. What could Kento need to talk about? Yugo's mind was suddenly full of worries… had Kento mended things with Shori? Did he want this to stop? It was too worrying to think about, and he quickly responded that he would be free after rehearsal that evening, once Taira was put to bed. Even once the message was sent, though, he couldn't help the worry churning in his stomach, and he frowned as he headed back to rehearsal. It was going to be a long day.
Kento did his best in that day's shows, but his mind kept coming back to everything Fuma had said that morning, and to what he would have to say to Yugo that night. Fuma hadn't said anything that Kento didn't know, but it had still hurt to hear it coming from one of his oldest friends, to be accused of being a bad husband and father and bandmate, but at the same time, Fuma's flat-out refusal to listen to Kento at all made anger rise in him again every time he thought about it. And then there was Yugo... Kento was dreading having to admit that he had gotten them caught, that Fuma knew about their affair, and even more than that he was dreading the prospect of having to figure out where to go from there. He couldn't stand the idea of having to break things off, but if their secret got out... it would ruin everything.
Finally, after the second show of the day was over, it was time to call Yugo, and Kento excused himself as soon as he could, going off in search of as private a place as he could find. Settling on an empty room on the other side of the building, Kento locked the door behind him before dialing Yugo's number, waiting anxiously for him to pick up.
The day dragged for Yugo after Kento's single, foreboding text message, and by the time he had gotten Taira fed and tucked in for the night, he felt both physically and emotionally exhausted. Whatever Kento had to tell him, it couldn't be good, and Yugo felt as if Kento both couldn't call soon enough and shouldn't call at all. But all worries aside, he could barely stop checking his phone until finally, around 8:30, Kento's name finally appeared on the screen as his phone buzzed. Yugo's heart leapt into his throat, and his hands trembled as he accepted the call, pressing his phone to his ear. "Hello?" he answered, and his voice sounded far too breathless, but he couldn't help it, not after waiting all day in nervous anticipation.
"Hey," Kento said, trying to swallow back his nervousness, but he didn't know how to start, how to break the news when all the sound of Yugo's voice made him want to do was forget about his problems. But he had to, he told himself, he didn't have a choice when Fuma was going to tell Yugo himself in a couple days, and when they had to figure out what they were going to do before Fuma did anything else. "I..." He closed his eyes, taking a breath. "Fuma knows." It was sort of awful to say it over the phone, to know that Yugo would be so upset and not even be able to see him or touch him, and Kento swallowed, running his hand through his hair. "He heard me on the phone last night..." Which made it Kento's fault, and he hated that so much. "I'm sorry," he said.
Kento's words felt like fingers digging into Yugo's throat, and for a moment, he couldn't breathe, couldn't think; he was frozen in terror. Fuma knew? Yugo's best friend for what felt like practically his entire life now knew that Yugo had broken his husband's trust and was having a secret affair with their mutual friend behind everyone's back? And while Yugo knew Fuma loved both he and Kento both as friends, as former (or current) groupmates, as the people he'd spent the majority of his life with now, he also knew Fuma wasn't one to let this sort of thing slide under the radar. Fuma who had a sense of justice as strong as a typhoon, Fuma who lived a perfect life with perfect children in his perfect marriage… The thought of Fuma knowing, of Fuma seeing Yugo in such an awful light made Yugo's stomach turn, and he felt as if he was going to be sick. "Fuck--" he finally swore, uncharacteristic for someone who almost never raised his voice even when he had been a rowdy teenager, not to mention now that he was an adult, a father, but he didn't know what to do, what to think now. He could hardly find words, and suddenly, some part of him longed for Kento to at least be home to be able to comfort him, to provide some support at a time like this. "Nakajima… Kento, what are we going to do?" was what eventually tumbled out of his mouth as he dropped his head into his free palm, on the brink of tears.
Yugo's voice sounded like he was in pain, like he was about to cry, and it made Kento's stomach twist to hear him that way. He didn't know what to say, though, or what they could do... "I don't know," he said, rubbing his eyes and shaking his head. "I just don't know..." He wanted be able to do what they always did, to hold each other and comfort each other, but they were too far away, and even if they had been in the same place... Kento wasn't sure what was okay anymore, but that thought was scary, too. "I don't want to give up... whatever this is," he said, "But now that Fuma knows... I don't know what we can do." He sighed, biting at his lip. "I wish I was there with you..."
"I need you now more than ever," Yugo replied before he could stop himself, his voice tight and strained with emotion, and whether he meant that he wished Kento was here with him or that he didn't want to end things between them, he wasn't sure. Likely, it was some of both, but how could Yugo live with himself this way, now that Fuma knew? This whole thing was sure to come out now, he was certain; Fuma was only the first step, it was only a matter of time before Jesse found out, and then… Yugo wasn't sure what then, but even thinking about it hurt, and he couldn't bear the thought. "I don't know what to do," he repeated, feeling weak and hopeless and more strongly guilty than he had felt in a long time.
"Me neither," Kento said, his own voice growing tight at how upset Yugo sounded, at how bad this really was. "I... I'll be home soon," he said. "Just two more days... We can't really do anything until then, right?" Maybe that was just putting it off, but Kento didn't want to have to figure this out over the phone, didn't want to have to deal with it when they both felt so alone. "Fuma said he was going to call you when we got back to Tokyo... He said he'd keep it a secret until then." None of that was a solution, but Kento really didn't know what else to do.
"O…okay," Yugo replied, trying to steady himself. Kento was right; for right now, there really was nothing they could do, and so he took a deep breath, trying to swallow back the fear and panic. If Fuma was keeping it a secret, that meant Hokuto didn't know, that meant no one in Tokyo knew. There was no chance of it getting out at least until Kento and Fuma returned, and then… well, Yugo would talk to both of them and figure it out from there. For now, there was nothing he could do but wait and hope that somehow, in some way, things would turn out okay. And so he swallowed, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment. "Don't… don't leave me right now?" he asked hesitantly, feeling weak but not sure he could make it through the night alone without at least a few encouraging words from Kento.
Kento nodded. "Yeah," he said, "I can stay for a little while." He wished he could stay for longer, but eventually his bandmates would wonder where he was when it was time to leave the venue, and he was sure Fuma wouldn't react well to that. But for now, he wanted to stay with Yugo for as long as he could, because even if the unthinkable had happened and they didn't know what they were going to do next... talking to Yugo had been Kento's comfort and escape through this whole tour, and he definitely couldn't do without it now. "We'll... we'll figure something out," he said, closing his eyes and trying to just focus on Yugo.
Yugo nodded, trying to believe Kento, to find comfort in his words. It was hard when he knew just how serious the situation had gotten, but Kento was right, he knew-- they would figure something out… they would have to. And so right now, Yugo tried to let himself relax into the sound of Kento's voice over the phone, to let Kento's presence, even thousands of miles away, soothe him. Still, he couldn't help but dread the moment Kento hung up with him… it was going to be a long night.
Fuma was distracted through their last two days of shows, most of his thoughts taken up by alternating worry and anger towards Kento and Yugo, and by the effort of keeping the secret. Hokuto could tell something was wrong, obviously, and it was difficult for Fuma to lie and say that he was just tired, he just missed Hokuto and the kids but it was okay because he would be home soon. But he had promised Kento that he would try, and no matter how much Fuma could not understand why they were doing this, he felt that he did at least owe it to Yugo to talk to him as well before considering telling anyone else.
But eventually the shows were all done, and they just had one more night in the hotel before their shinkansen ride back to Tokyo. The thought of being reunited with his husband and children once they were all home from work and school kept Fuma going even through his worries, but as soon as he was back in the privacy of his own apartment, he knew he had to call Yugo. He could tell from Yugo's voice that Kento had talked to him, that Yugo knew exactly why Fuma was calling, and for a moment, Fuma felt bad. Yugo had been his best friend since they were barely teenagers, Yugo and Kento both, and they weren't bad people, there had to be some reason they were doing this, so maybe he had yelled at Kento a little too harshly... But no, even if there was some reason, there was no excuse for it, and Fuma really didn't think he could understand. He had to talk to Yugo in person, though, that much he knew, and so without saying anything on the topic itself, they found a time that they could both meet for coffee, and Fuma hung up feeling more worried than ever.
On the way to their coffee date, Fuma tried to rehearse what to say in his head, to figure out the best way to broach the subject, but no matter how he thought about it, he still wasn't sure how to bring it up. He loved Yugo, they had been close for so long and he had so much faith in Yugo as a friend and husband and father... but none of that made any sense with the fact that Yugo was having an affair behind his husband's back. Fuma practically felt like he had been betrayed himself by his two closest friends, and none of the things he thought of to say seemed right, because it was hard to imagine any way that Yugo could respond that would make things better. So it was without much of a plan in mind that Fuma entered the coffee shop where they were meeting, finding Yugo at a secluded table in the back and making his way over.
Yugo couldn't help but grimace as he saw Fuma approaching him, and he couldn't even muster the energy to wave, putting out his cigarette with a heavy sigh. In any other situation, Yugo would have loved to have time to get coffee with Fuma; Fuma was his best friend, and they rarely had time to catch up in person, but now, like this… Yugo sighed, looking down at his lap as Fuma sat across from him, knowing that this was only going to be painful for both of them. "…hey," he mumbled, running a hand through his hair and bracing himself for the worst.
Yugo looked... tired, mostly, so tired and worried and beaten down and not even looking at Fuma as he sat down across the table from him that Fuma's heart went out to him a little bit, because of course Yugo had to know that what he was doing was wrong. But still... Fuma wasn't sure what to say, and he hated that the first time he was seeing Yugo in so long was for something like this. "Hey," he replied, swallowing nervously. "Should we order drinks?" He called a server over to order their coffees, but once that was done, he couldn't really stall any longer, and he looked across the table at Yugo, sighing. "So... did Nakajima talk to you?"
Yugo nodded; he didn't know what else to say. He hated feeling this way, like Fuma was his enemy, like he was some naughty child and Fuma was his parent here to scold him. Fuma was supposed to be Yugo's friend, but right now, Yugo didn't know what to think, what to feel, and he chanced a look up at his friend. Fuma's lips were drawn tight, his expression cloudy, and it made Yugo's stomach flip inside of him. Looking down again, he bit his lip, nodding again and replying quietly, "Yeah, he did."
Fuma sighed again, looking down at the table. It was harder to be angry when Yugo just seemed sad than it had been in the face of Kento's defensiveness, and it was hard to know what to say when they both already knew exactly why they were there. "I just... I would never have expected either of you to do this," he said, lifting his eyes to look at Yugo again. The server arrived with their coffees, and Fuma accepted his, adding milk and sugar and waiting for Yugo's response once they were alone again.
Yugo sighed heavily, feeling tired and depressed before they had barely begun. "I know…" he responded, barely finding the heart to consider his coffee. He would have never expected it of himself, of course, before it had all started almost two months ago, but… now here he was… and here was Fuma, looking disapprovingly at him over the table. "I don't know what you want me to say," he added with a shrug, staring down into his mug and swishing his coffee around a bit. "It's not like we think this is right, but…" But what, he knew Fuma was bound to ask, but Yugo couldn't answer, not really, not without opening another emotional can of worms, and really, Yugo didn't want to get emotional, not here.
"I just care about both of you," Fuma said, hating to see how upset Yugo looked. "And your families..." Fuma swallowed, looking at Yugo seriously. "I know you both know it's wrong, so... I don't understand why," he said, a little more emotion making its way into his voice, but they were in public, and Yugo was already so upset that Fuma didn't want to be too hard on him. He didn't know what explanation there could be, but he didn't know what else he could ask for besides Yugo's side of the story, and he was Yugo's best friend... so in a situation like this, Fuma was sure he must need someone to talk to. "I just want you both to make things right, so... tell me how this happened?"
Yugo sighed heavily, but he knew it was too late to try to keep himself calm now. If Fuma really wanted to know the whole story, Yugo supposed he didn't have a choice, but frankly, he didn't even know where to start. Taking a sip of his coffee to buy time, Yugo swallowed, warming his hands on the mug. "I love my husband," he finally stated, managing the strength to look up at Fuma again, "I love him more than I could ever possibly explain. But I can only bear so much on my own." And maybe that sounded awful and self-pitying, but at the end of the day, Yugo didn't know what else to say. After more than five years of bearing the burden of their family, their lifestyles on his own, Yugo had cracked, that was all there was to it. Maybe he was an awful person… but maybe he was only human. Either way, he didn't really expect Fuma, with his perfect career and his perfect husband and his perfect family, to understand.
Fuma frowned, not sure exactly what Yugo meant. He was glad to hear Yugo affirm that he did still love Jesse, just like Fuma thought Kento still loved Shori, but at the same time... if that was the case, what could having an affair do besides mess everything up? It seemed like Yugo was saying that being on his own was hard... but Fuma had a feeling that he was still missing a lot, because many of them were on their own a lot, and that didn't explain Kento at all... not that it was Yugo's job to explain for Kento. "Bear... so much?" he repeated back, looking at Yugo with concern and wondering what else had been happening in his life that Fuma didn't know about.
Yugo couldn't help but let out another sigh, sinking further into his chair and running his hands through his hair. He couldn't help the impulse to hide his face from Fuma; he felt ashamed, like a schoolchild being scolded by his teacher. It was one thing to explain his situation to Kento, who understood, who was also suffering, but it was another entirely to admit his problems to Fuma with his perfect life and his perfect family. It sounded an awful lot like making excuses, but what else was he supposed to do? Fuma was asking him to explain, and so he tried to find the right words, but it was hard when all he wanted to do was sink into the floor and die. This was ridiculous, he was an adult and he needed to act like one, but this situation was already so off kilter that he couldn't bear it. "Being alone all day every day. Waking up alone most days. Going to bed alone most days. Raising our son alone. I can't take it anymore, Fuma." He tried to look up, but somehow ended up looking out the window rather than meeting Fuma's eyes, but he supposed it was better than nothing, and he was already bracing himself waiting for Fuma's response.
Fuma's heart went out to Yugo, because he was clearly having a difficult time, and Fuma could understand feeling lonely and like it was difficult to do everything alone... But he still didn't really understand, if Yugo loved Jesse, how things had come to this. "But-- why? I... my husband has the same schedule as yours, you could always talk to me..." And Fuma had heard from Hokuto how his bandmates were just as eager to get home to their husbands as he had been, and he'd heard Taira on the phone with Jesse, and he had just never expected there to be problems in Yugo's marriage... Being at home alone was hard, but that was just part of loving an idol, right?
At Fuma's words, something in Yugo snapped, because who was Fuma to tell Yugo what he was going through? He could disdain Yugo for having an affair, yes, of course, because Yugo knew he was in the wrong just as well as Fuma did, but for Fuma, with his storybook life and family, to tell Yugo that they were in the same situation was almost laughable, and it was enough to push even Yugo, ever-friendly, ever-easygoing Yugo over his limit. "Your husband may have essentially the same schedule is mine does, but how does your schedule compare to mine?" he asked, finally regarding Fuma straight on. "You record singles and act in dramas and go on tour just like Hokuto does, just like Jesse does. But you know what I do? I go to the same rehearsal hall and rehearse the same little kids doing the same mundane choreography every single day, day in and day out. And when I'm not doing that, I'm playing third fiddle to Yuma and Kyomoto, and as much as I respect both of them, there's not much incentive to keep going when there's absolutely no chance of me moving up in the world, is there?" It was harsh to say it that way, and maybe Yugo liked his job more than that, maybe saying it that way was unfair, but maybe he had been trying to stay strong for too long and didn't have it in him to force every last drip of positivity out of every part of his life. "So while you're off performing with your bandmates, doing everything you always hoped and dreamed of doing, I work nine to five with no one there to support me, and then I come home and feed Taira alone and put him to bed alone and try to fall asleep alone." It was hard to keep himself in check now that he had started snowballing, and he dropped his head back into his hands, feeling like he was going to cry, despite the fact that they were in public, despite everything. "When we were kids, we dreamed about debuting, becoming famous, touring, recording albums… and you do all that, you and Hokuto both. Do you want to know what my dream is anymore?" He sighed, feeling more broken down and deflated than ever. "My dream is to exchange more than six sentences with my husband in any given day. You try living like that, and then ask me why I'm falling apart."
Fuma stared at Yugo in shock, feeling more and more at a loss for words the more Yugo said. He'd had no idea that Yugo was so unhappy in his job, but when Yugo put it that way, when he emphasized that he was the only one of them who never toured or did dramas or anything like that, the idea of dealing with that was a shock of realization to Fuma. And then... did Yugo really talk to Jesse that little? They were both busy, but no busier than Fuma and Hokuto, and from the way Yugo said it, their lack of talking certainly wasn't due to a lack of wanting to talk on Yugo's part. All of that sounded like so much to deal with, and Fuma had had no idea... And somehow, Yugo had turned to Kento. Fuma barely knew what to say, and he bit his lip nervously, searching for words. "I... I had no idea," he said, swallowing. Because even if Yugo and Kento's affair was probably only making things fall apart even further, Fuma felt awful for being so unaware of Yugo's problems.
At Fuma's response, Yugo deflated again, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes and trying to take a deep breath. "I'm… I'm sorry," he apologized, his voice quiet and trembling, "I shouldn't have…" It felt like there was no other way to make Fuma understand, but Yugo had felt beaten down before, and now, he felt absolutely drained. "I guess… I didn't think there was any way you'd understand. Your life is perfect… you accomplished everything we dreamed about, and you have Hokuto, and your kids…" It almost hurt, to remember back to when they were kids, to realize that basically, Fuma and Hokuto had achieved every idealistic goal they had set their eyes on back in those days, while Yugo had… well, nothing. "It's not that I hate my work… the kids are great, they really are, but… well… I didn't really want to be a dance teacher." It sounded stupid and selfish, but he couldn't help it, and he exhaled, trying not to lose himself to self-pity. "And it would be one thing just to watch Jesse succeed… it's not his fault that he debuted when I didn't, of course… but… what am I supposed to do when I can't even watch him because he's never home? What am I supposed to do when he calls at midnight from Shizuoka every night after his drama filmings to tell me not to wait up for him? What am I supposed to do when nearly every day, Taira asks me when he'll get to see his other dad? How am I supposed to go on that way?" He was getting worked up again, but after having kept this all from Fuma for so long, it was hard not to let the floodgates open.
Fuma felt tears starting to prickle at his own eyes, listening to Yugo, and he shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment. "You shouldn't have to..." he said, because he loved his kids so much and they gave him so much strength, but he still couldn't imagine taking care of them without Hokuto's support, not to mention on top of working long hours at a job that wasn't very fulfilling... "You shouldn't have to go on that way," he said again, meeting Yugo's eyes. "But..." He paused, trying to figure out what to say. "Why... with Nakajima..." He bit his lip again, looking nervously at Yugo. "If I found out, other people are going to figure it out, too. You shouldn't have to deal with all that alone, but you can't keep going like this!"
Tell me something I don't know, Yugo wanted to say, but he bit his tongue, quieting himself by sipping his coffee instead. "I know," he replied quietly after a moment, staring down into his cup, "Neither of us think what we're doing is right. But Ke--Nakajima is the only person I have to rely on." He caught his slip, but not soon enough, and he curled in on himself further, ashamed. Fuma was right, of course, it was going to come out, but quitting was easier said than done when he and Kento both were so hopelessly lonely. "I just don't have the strength anymore, Fuma. After six years… I can't keep going on alone."
Things were really bad, Fuma thought, if Yugo didn't want to stop even now, and if he was accidentally calling Kento by his given name, which Fuma didn't think Yugo had done even when they were kids... But it couldn't keep going, Fuma couldn't just sit by and watch them both destroy their marriages further and further and hurt everyone around them more and more. "You... you don't have to be alone!" he said, "Nakajima doesn't have to be the only person you rely on. If you keep going with this... things aren't going to be better, only worse." He hated to see his two best friends in a situation like this, and he had to help Yugo make it better somehow.
Everything Fuma was saying was both blatantly obvious and completely ridiculous at the same time, because he was making seem as if it were easy to just change things, as if Yugo hadn't already realized that this was only going to make things worse. Hearing him talk about it all as if he expected Yugo to fix everything with a snap of his fingers was making him dizzy, and he put his hands up, meeting Fuma's eyes and giving him a look of desperation. "Fuma, please--" he started, quieting Fuma down and leaning in, lowering his voice. "Fuma… I promise, I'll sort everything out, okay?" he said quietly, "So… please trust me?" He didn't know exactly how he was going to sort things out, he wasn't sure, but… well, Fuma was right. At the very least, he and Kento had to talk about what to do now.
Fuma nodded. He did trust Yugo, even after all this, because he had known Yugo for so long and Yugo was one of the best people he knew. "I... I know you can make this right," he told Yugo. "And you can talk to me anytime." If Yugo and Kento tried... somehow this would work out, Fuma told himself. It had to work out... they both loved their husbands so much, Fuma was sure of it. "I trust you," he said. "So let me know if you need anything." He gave Yugo a tentative smile across the table, hoping Yugo knew that he meant it.
"Thank you," Yugo responded, slipping a hand over the tabletop to rest over Fuma's. Fuma had always been such a good friend to him, and Yugo appreciated his concern despite it all, but even still… he knew Fuma really couldn't comprehend just what he was going through, and that he could never really fully lean on Fuma. But that aside, he would have to talk to Kento… they would have to figure something out.
Part 8
Things didn't change much in the next couple weeks as the first leg of Sexy Zone's tour crept closer. Kento continued to meet with Yugo secretly, if they ended up in the same building for work, or if they both had a morning or an evening free while their husbands weren't around. Kento knew deep down that this wasn't a solution, that nothing could really improve if they kept going this way... but he couldn't bring himself to stop, couldn't give up being with Yugo when he looked forward to seeing him so much, when often it felt like spending time with Yugo, talking to Yugo, having sex with Yugo was the only stress relief he got anymore.
Soon enough, though, it was time for Sexy Zone to leave to head west for just over two weeks of concerts in Nagoya, Osaka, and Hiroshima, and Kento found himself rushing to get everything ready, to get all his things packed and the kids off to his parents' house, and amongst everything, he felt like he barely had time for a proper goodbye with Yugo. He had promised to call the last time they saw each other, though, and he texted him again from the shinkansen, hiding his phone screen from Fuma in the seat next to him. I'll miss you. Good luck with rehearsals. Now that they were on their way and the frenzy of preparation was over, Kento had nothing left to distract him from the fact that he really didn't know how this tour was going to go, that he and Shori were going to spend the next two weeks staying in hotels together and performing together, and he wasn't really sure if pretending everything was normal was going to keep working.
Things went from bad to worse when, just about two weeks after Jesse returned, Sexy Zone left Tokyo for the beginning of their next tour. In the past two weeks, Yugo had been clinging to Kento like a life vest, somehow knocked even lower by Jesse's return and the harsh slap of reality that, no matter if he was at home or away, Jesse was never going to have time for Yugo, for their family. It wasn't the answer, but he didn't know what was, and so he held on and hoped for the best, that maybe one day, somehow, he and Kento would find a way to make their marriages work out.
But in reality, the thought of not having Kento to fall back on was horrifying, and it became a reality soon enough, leaving Yugo all alone once again, tending to Taira and working all day and coming home to an empty bed, and this time without Kento to fall back on. Jesse did find time, every once in a while, for a family dinner, or to take Taira home after school, but it was minimal, and it wasn't enough to hold Yugo up, not so little, not after so long.
But Kento texted him, at the very least, as often as he could, and Yugo found himself getting wrapped up in their conversations, losing himself into his phone screen. When he was left to run rehearsals, his attention span began to waver as he wondered if Kento had texted back, and he began checking his phone far too often to be really responsible; when he was in rehearsal, he began to leave his phone with his water bottle, so that he could check surreptitiously when he went for a drink. He was falling apart at the seams, really, this affair as tearing him apart, but at the same time, it felt like the only thing holding him together, and so he couldn't stop, he couldn't. Besides, the texts were only barely enough to tide him over until the evening calls, something to look forward to consistently every night, whether they were right as he put Taira to bed or late enough that he worried Jesse might be home any minute. But it didn't matter when; early or late, Yugo found himself watching the clock and his phone, waiting minute by minute for Kento's calls each day. Maybe it was awful of him, but he felt as if, with Kento gone, it was his bare minimum to get by. And so each day, he spent his entire day attached to his phone screen and waiting for a call and counting down the days until Kento came home again.
Touring was a strange mix of highs and lows for Kento, with the adrenaline of performing for tens of thousands of fans helping him to forget his problems for a while, to remember his love for Shori and exchange smiles or high fives onstage, and occasionally more off stage. After one particularly successful show, they even ended up having sex, intense, still-stage-high sex for the first time in months, but the next morning things were back to their usual, and even on tour, the good times between them were the exception rather than the rule. They hardly talked off stage besides to hand the phone back and forth when they called Kento's parents to say good night to the kids, and Kento found himself missing Yugo more and more, missing having someone to talk to at good times and bad, someone to cuddle with and relax with, and he looked forward to his phone calls with Yugo, depended on them really, more than he cared to admit. He texted Yugo as often as he could, and snuck away to call him every night to get his little escape, a few minutes to just talk to Yugo and not have to pretend.
So for Kento, where tours usually flew by far too quickly in a whirlwind of concerts and uchiages and fun times with his bandmates, this one dragged, full of far too much worry and waiting and awkwardness, and he found himself eager to get back to Tokyo, something he didn't usually feel on tour. By the end of the trip, his phone calls were getting longer, but it was hard to bring himself to care whether his bandmates ever wondered where he was when he looked forward to his time talking to Yugo so much.
Fuma was worried. Before they left on tour, he had tried not to think about Kento and Shori's apparent problems too much, telling himself that they needed to focus on tour preparations for now and settling for just reminding both of them that he was there if they wanted to talk. Now that they were on tour, though, and Fuma was with his band all day, every day, it was a lot harder to keep from worrying. The concerts themselves went off all right, although Fuma could tell that they could have gone even better with Kento and Shori's usual level of enthusiasm and cooperation and love, but then outside of the concerts... things between them were definitely no better, and possibly even worse, Fuma thought. He could tell that Marius and Sou knew something was wrong, as well, but he didn't know what any of them could do if Kento and Shori didn't want to talk about it.
So the tour went on, through Nagoya and Osaka and finally Hiroshima, and Fuma continued to tell his worries to Hokuto over the phone in the evenings and give his best in their concerts during the day. One evening a few days before they were scheduled to return to Tokyo, Hokuto had a late-night filming, so they had talked earlier in the day and Marius and Sou had invited Fuma to join them for drinks in the hotel bar that night. After saying good night to his kids and making sure everything was fine with the babysitter, he headed down to the bar. On the way there, though, he heard a familiar voice coming from some out-of-sight spot around a corner, and the words he heard made him freeze in horror.
"Yugo," Kento was saying, "I wish you weren't so far away..." Fuma put a hand over his mouth to keep himself from making noise, and he felt his stomach knotting up, because it sounded like... "I keep thinking about you, and missing you," Kento continued, and now Fuma was starting to feel sick, whether from worry or anger he wasn't sure, because how could Kento do this? How could Yugo do this? He didn't want to hear any more, and he turned around, going back to his room and shutting the door before leaning back against it, his head spinning. How could they do this? To Shori, to Jesse, to their kids? All this time, Fuma had been so worried about Kento, and he'd been--having an affair? Fuma really was starting to feel sick now, and he sat heavily on his bed, pulling out his phone to text the other two that he wasn't feeling up to drinks after all.
He didn't know what to do, though, now that he knew. He had to talk to Kento... right? And to Yugo. The thought of his two best friends having a secret affair behind his back, behind their husbands' backs was almost impossible to process, but underneath all the shock and horror and anger, Fuma knew he had to talk to them. In the morning, he told himself, in the morning he would confront Kento about what he'd heard... It was going to be a long night, though, with so much to worry about and no Hokuto to fall asleep on the phone with.
Even if it hadn't been for the tone Fuma used to say, "We need to talk," Kento could have told by the way Fuma was glaring at him that this was definitely not good news. He followed Fuma back to Fuma's room, sitting in the chair Fuma offered and waiting for him to speak, dreading what was probably about to happen.
"I... I heard you last night," Fuma said, drawing his lips into a tight line and not letting up on his glare. "I know what you've been doing. With..." He paused, swallowing. "With Yugo."
Kento had known something like this must be coming when Fuma had demanded they talk, but still, hearing Fuma say the words made Kento's stomach twist and his heart speed up in panic, because it had come to this, their secret wasn't a secret anymore, and Fuma was seething. He didn't know what to say, though, how to defend himself if Fuma had really heard what he'd said to Yugo, because nothing was going to convince Fuma that this was okay--because it wasn't okay, but also because Fuma, with his perfect, storybook marriage and family, could never understand why they were doing it.
Before Kento could find the words to answer, though, Fuma was speaking again, his voice rising in pitch. "How could you do this? Don't you realize what you're doing to your family, to your husband, to Sexy Zone?"
"You don't understand!" Kento finally spat out, his own voice rising to match Fuma's. Fuma was full of questions, but it was clear that he wasn't actually going to listen to anything Kento had to say, and it wasn't like Kento needed to be told that he should feel guilty about what he was doing. "It's not like I think this is all fine or something! But... you just don't understand what either of us are dealing with." Kento dropped his face into his hand, rubbing his eyes. There was no way this was going to end well.
"I don't understand? What is there to understand??" Fuma's voice was rising even further as he grew angrier, and he shook his head incredulously. "You're ruining your marriage and throwing off the whole dynamic of our band, not to mention the effect it must be having on your children!" He shook his head again. "I'm going to talk to Yugo about this too, you know. I... I'll wait to do it in person, but I'm going to tell him that I know."
Kento sighed heavily, his defensiveness starting to deflate, leaving him feeling exhausted. "I'll talk to him about it, too," he said, knowing that Fuma wouldn't accept any other answer, but also that really, there was no other choice. He and Yugo would have to figure out where to go from here. The thought of Fuma telling Yugo brought up another terrifying possibility in Kento's mind, though, and his eyes snapped up to looking Fuma again. "Does Hokuto know?" When Fuma shook his head, Kento let out his breath, allowing himself to feel just a little relieved, because if there was anyone who would be more angry about their affair than Fuma, it was Hokuto. "I'll talk to Kouchi," Kento said, feeling utterly defeated. "So please don't tell anyone for now?"
"I'll do my best," Fuma said, keeping up his disapproving glare all the while as Kento stood up to leave. Kento would have to call Yugo to break the news to him as soon as he could, and as his thoughts turned to that instead of Fuma's anger, he felt more guilt start to rise, because it was his carelessness that had gotten them caught, and basically his fault that things might be ruined between him and Yugo. It was an awful feeling, coupled with the prospect of having to stop their affair, and it was with a heavy heart that Kento texted Yugo, asking when he had some time to talk that day.
When his phone vibrated in his pocket, signaling that he had a text from Kento, Yugo felt his heart speed up in his chest, his attention veering away from the children on the stage with alarming speed. He knew he couldn't check his phone in the middle of rehearsal, though, especially when he was the one running it, and so he did his very best to push it from his mind and concentrate on the juniors' dancing. It was hard, though, especially when he had seen these particular children do this particular dance a million times before, and it felt like years when finally, the run-through was over and finally, Yugo had a whole fifteen minutes of freedom. Pulling out his phone, he opened the message from Kento only to be surprised and concerned by its contents. The way Kento phrased his question made it seem as if something was wrong, and Yugo's stomach knotted with worry. What could Kento need to talk about? Yugo's mind was suddenly full of worries… had Kento mended things with Shori? Did he want this to stop? It was too worrying to think about, and he quickly responded that he would be free after rehearsal that evening, once Taira was put to bed. Even once the message was sent, though, he couldn't help the worry churning in his stomach, and he frowned as he headed back to rehearsal. It was going to be a long day.
Kento did his best in that day's shows, but his mind kept coming back to everything Fuma had said that morning, and to what he would have to say to Yugo that night. Fuma hadn't said anything that Kento didn't know, but it had still hurt to hear it coming from one of his oldest friends, to be accused of being a bad husband and father and bandmate, but at the same time, Fuma's flat-out refusal to listen to Kento at all made anger rise in him again every time he thought about it. And then there was Yugo... Kento was dreading having to admit that he had gotten them caught, that Fuma knew about their affair, and even more than that he was dreading the prospect of having to figure out where to go from there. He couldn't stand the idea of having to break things off, but if their secret got out... it would ruin everything.
Finally, after the second show of the day was over, it was time to call Yugo, and Kento excused himself as soon as he could, going off in search of as private a place as he could find. Settling on an empty room on the other side of the building, Kento locked the door behind him before dialing Yugo's number, waiting anxiously for him to pick up.
The day dragged for Yugo after Kento's single, foreboding text message, and by the time he had gotten Taira fed and tucked in for the night, he felt both physically and emotionally exhausted. Whatever Kento had to tell him, it couldn't be good, and Yugo felt as if Kento both couldn't call soon enough and shouldn't call at all. But all worries aside, he could barely stop checking his phone until finally, around 8:30, Kento's name finally appeared on the screen as his phone buzzed. Yugo's heart leapt into his throat, and his hands trembled as he accepted the call, pressing his phone to his ear. "Hello?" he answered, and his voice sounded far too breathless, but he couldn't help it, not after waiting all day in nervous anticipation.
"Hey," Kento said, trying to swallow back his nervousness, but he didn't know how to start, how to break the news when all the sound of Yugo's voice made him want to do was forget about his problems. But he had to, he told himself, he didn't have a choice when Fuma was going to tell Yugo himself in a couple days, and when they had to figure out what they were going to do before Fuma did anything else. "I..." He closed his eyes, taking a breath. "Fuma knows." It was sort of awful to say it over the phone, to know that Yugo would be so upset and not even be able to see him or touch him, and Kento swallowed, running his hand through his hair. "He heard me on the phone last night..." Which made it Kento's fault, and he hated that so much. "I'm sorry," he said.
Kento's words felt like fingers digging into Yugo's throat, and for a moment, he couldn't breathe, couldn't think; he was frozen in terror. Fuma knew? Yugo's best friend for what felt like practically his entire life now knew that Yugo had broken his husband's trust and was having a secret affair with their mutual friend behind everyone's back? And while Yugo knew Fuma loved both he and Kento both as friends, as former (or current) groupmates, as the people he'd spent the majority of his life with now, he also knew Fuma wasn't one to let this sort of thing slide under the radar. Fuma who had a sense of justice as strong as a typhoon, Fuma who lived a perfect life with perfect children in his perfect marriage… The thought of Fuma knowing, of Fuma seeing Yugo in such an awful light made Yugo's stomach turn, and he felt as if he was going to be sick. "Fuck--" he finally swore, uncharacteristic for someone who almost never raised his voice even when he had been a rowdy teenager, not to mention now that he was an adult, a father, but he didn't know what to do, what to think now. He could hardly find words, and suddenly, some part of him longed for Kento to at least be home to be able to comfort him, to provide some support at a time like this. "Nakajima… Kento, what are we going to do?" was what eventually tumbled out of his mouth as he dropped his head into his free palm, on the brink of tears.
Yugo's voice sounded like he was in pain, like he was about to cry, and it made Kento's stomach twist to hear him that way. He didn't know what to say, though, or what they could do... "I don't know," he said, rubbing his eyes and shaking his head. "I just don't know..." He wanted be able to do what they always did, to hold each other and comfort each other, but they were too far away, and even if they had been in the same place... Kento wasn't sure what was okay anymore, but that thought was scary, too. "I don't want to give up... whatever this is," he said, "But now that Fuma knows... I don't know what we can do." He sighed, biting at his lip. "I wish I was there with you..."
"I need you now more than ever," Yugo replied before he could stop himself, his voice tight and strained with emotion, and whether he meant that he wished Kento was here with him or that he didn't want to end things between them, he wasn't sure. Likely, it was some of both, but how could Yugo live with himself this way, now that Fuma knew? This whole thing was sure to come out now, he was certain; Fuma was only the first step, it was only a matter of time before Jesse found out, and then… Yugo wasn't sure what then, but even thinking about it hurt, and he couldn't bear the thought. "I don't know what to do," he repeated, feeling weak and hopeless and more strongly guilty than he had felt in a long time.
"Me neither," Kento said, his own voice growing tight at how upset Yugo sounded, at how bad this really was. "I... I'll be home soon," he said. "Just two more days... We can't really do anything until then, right?" Maybe that was just putting it off, but Kento didn't want to have to figure this out over the phone, didn't want to have to deal with it when they both felt so alone. "Fuma said he was going to call you when we got back to Tokyo... He said he'd keep it a secret until then." None of that was a solution, but Kento really didn't know what else to do.
"O…okay," Yugo replied, trying to steady himself. Kento was right; for right now, there really was nothing they could do, and so he took a deep breath, trying to swallow back the fear and panic. If Fuma was keeping it a secret, that meant Hokuto didn't know, that meant no one in Tokyo knew. There was no chance of it getting out at least until Kento and Fuma returned, and then… well, Yugo would talk to both of them and figure it out from there. For now, there was nothing he could do but wait and hope that somehow, in some way, things would turn out okay. And so he swallowed, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment. "Don't… don't leave me right now?" he asked hesitantly, feeling weak but not sure he could make it through the night alone without at least a few encouraging words from Kento.
Kento nodded. "Yeah," he said, "I can stay for a little while." He wished he could stay for longer, but eventually his bandmates would wonder where he was when it was time to leave the venue, and he was sure Fuma wouldn't react well to that. But for now, he wanted to stay with Yugo for as long as he could, because even if the unthinkable had happened and they didn't know what they were going to do next... talking to Yugo had been Kento's comfort and escape through this whole tour, and he definitely couldn't do without it now. "We'll... we'll figure something out," he said, closing his eyes and trying to just focus on Yugo.
Yugo nodded, trying to believe Kento, to find comfort in his words. It was hard when he knew just how serious the situation had gotten, but Kento was right, he knew-- they would figure something out… they would have to. And so right now, Yugo tried to let himself relax into the sound of Kento's voice over the phone, to let Kento's presence, even thousands of miles away, soothe him. Still, he couldn't help but dread the moment Kento hung up with him… it was going to be a long night.
Fuma was distracted through their last two days of shows, most of his thoughts taken up by alternating worry and anger towards Kento and Yugo, and by the effort of keeping the secret. Hokuto could tell something was wrong, obviously, and it was difficult for Fuma to lie and say that he was just tired, he just missed Hokuto and the kids but it was okay because he would be home soon. But he had promised Kento that he would try, and no matter how much Fuma could not understand why they were doing this, he felt that he did at least owe it to Yugo to talk to him as well before considering telling anyone else.
But eventually the shows were all done, and they just had one more night in the hotel before their shinkansen ride back to Tokyo. The thought of being reunited with his husband and children once they were all home from work and school kept Fuma going even through his worries, but as soon as he was back in the privacy of his own apartment, he knew he had to call Yugo. He could tell from Yugo's voice that Kento had talked to him, that Yugo knew exactly why Fuma was calling, and for a moment, Fuma felt bad. Yugo had been his best friend since they were barely teenagers, Yugo and Kento both, and they weren't bad people, there had to be some reason they were doing this, so maybe he had yelled at Kento a little too harshly... But no, even if there was some reason, there was no excuse for it, and Fuma really didn't think he could understand. He had to talk to Yugo in person, though, that much he knew, and so without saying anything on the topic itself, they found a time that they could both meet for coffee, and Fuma hung up feeling more worried than ever.
On the way to their coffee date, Fuma tried to rehearse what to say in his head, to figure out the best way to broach the subject, but no matter how he thought about it, he still wasn't sure how to bring it up. He loved Yugo, they had been close for so long and he had so much faith in Yugo as a friend and husband and father... but none of that made any sense with the fact that Yugo was having an affair behind his husband's back. Fuma practically felt like he had been betrayed himself by his two closest friends, and none of the things he thought of to say seemed right, because it was hard to imagine any way that Yugo could respond that would make things better. So it was without much of a plan in mind that Fuma entered the coffee shop where they were meeting, finding Yugo at a secluded table in the back and making his way over.
Yugo couldn't help but grimace as he saw Fuma approaching him, and he couldn't even muster the energy to wave, putting out his cigarette with a heavy sigh. In any other situation, Yugo would have loved to have time to get coffee with Fuma; Fuma was his best friend, and they rarely had time to catch up in person, but now, like this… Yugo sighed, looking down at his lap as Fuma sat across from him, knowing that this was only going to be painful for both of them. "…hey," he mumbled, running a hand through his hair and bracing himself for the worst.
Yugo looked... tired, mostly, so tired and worried and beaten down and not even looking at Fuma as he sat down across the table from him that Fuma's heart went out to him a little bit, because of course Yugo had to know that what he was doing was wrong. But still... Fuma wasn't sure what to say, and he hated that the first time he was seeing Yugo in so long was for something like this. "Hey," he replied, swallowing nervously. "Should we order drinks?" He called a server over to order their coffees, but once that was done, he couldn't really stall any longer, and he looked across the table at Yugo, sighing. "So... did Nakajima talk to you?"
Yugo nodded; he didn't know what else to say. He hated feeling this way, like Fuma was his enemy, like he was some naughty child and Fuma was his parent here to scold him. Fuma was supposed to be Yugo's friend, but right now, Yugo didn't know what to think, what to feel, and he chanced a look up at his friend. Fuma's lips were drawn tight, his expression cloudy, and it made Yugo's stomach flip inside of him. Looking down again, he bit his lip, nodding again and replying quietly, "Yeah, he did."
Fuma sighed again, looking down at the table. It was harder to be angry when Yugo just seemed sad than it had been in the face of Kento's defensiveness, and it was hard to know what to say when they both already knew exactly why they were there. "I just... I would never have expected either of you to do this," he said, lifting his eyes to look at Yugo again. The server arrived with their coffees, and Fuma accepted his, adding milk and sugar and waiting for Yugo's response once they were alone again.
Yugo sighed heavily, feeling tired and depressed before they had barely begun. "I know…" he responded, barely finding the heart to consider his coffee. He would have never expected it of himself, of course, before it had all started almost two months ago, but… now here he was… and here was Fuma, looking disapprovingly at him over the table. "I don't know what you want me to say," he added with a shrug, staring down into his mug and swishing his coffee around a bit. "It's not like we think this is right, but…" But what, he knew Fuma was bound to ask, but Yugo couldn't answer, not really, not without opening another emotional can of worms, and really, Yugo didn't want to get emotional, not here.
"I just care about both of you," Fuma said, hating to see how upset Yugo looked. "And your families..." Fuma swallowed, looking at Yugo seriously. "I know you both know it's wrong, so... I don't understand why," he said, a little more emotion making its way into his voice, but they were in public, and Yugo was already so upset that Fuma didn't want to be too hard on him. He didn't know what explanation there could be, but he didn't know what else he could ask for besides Yugo's side of the story, and he was Yugo's best friend... so in a situation like this, Fuma was sure he must need someone to talk to. "I just want you both to make things right, so... tell me how this happened?"
Yugo sighed heavily, but he knew it was too late to try to keep himself calm now. If Fuma really wanted to know the whole story, Yugo supposed he didn't have a choice, but frankly, he didn't even know where to start. Taking a sip of his coffee to buy time, Yugo swallowed, warming his hands on the mug. "I love my husband," he finally stated, managing the strength to look up at Fuma again, "I love him more than I could ever possibly explain. But I can only bear so much on my own." And maybe that sounded awful and self-pitying, but at the end of the day, Yugo didn't know what else to say. After more than five years of bearing the burden of their family, their lifestyles on his own, Yugo had cracked, that was all there was to it. Maybe he was an awful person… but maybe he was only human. Either way, he didn't really expect Fuma, with his perfect career and his perfect husband and his perfect family, to understand.
Fuma frowned, not sure exactly what Yugo meant. He was glad to hear Yugo affirm that he did still love Jesse, just like Fuma thought Kento still loved Shori, but at the same time... if that was the case, what could having an affair do besides mess everything up? It seemed like Yugo was saying that being on his own was hard... but Fuma had a feeling that he was still missing a lot, because many of them were on their own a lot, and that didn't explain Kento at all... not that it was Yugo's job to explain for Kento. "Bear... so much?" he repeated back, looking at Yugo with concern and wondering what else had been happening in his life that Fuma didn't know about.
Yugo couldn't help but let out another sigh, sinking further into his chair and running his hands through his hair. He couldn't help the impulse to hide his face from Fuma; he felt ashamed, like a schoolchild being scolded by his teacher. It was one thing to explain his situation to Kento, who understood, who was also suffering, but it was another entirely to admit his problems to Fuma with his perfect life and his perfect family. It sounded an awful lot like making excuses, but what else was he supposed to do? Fuma was asking him to explain, and so he tried to find the right words, but it was hard when all he wanted to do was sink into the floor and die. This was ridiculous, he was an adult and he needed to act like one, but this situation was already so off kilter that he couldn't bear it. "Being alone all day every day. Waking up alone most days. Going to bed alone most days. Raising our son alone. I can't take it anymore, Fuma." He tried to look up, but somehow ended up looking out the window rather than meeting Fuma's eyes, but he supposed it was better than nothing, and he was already bracing himself waiting for Fuma's response.
Fuma's heart went out to Yugo, because he was clearly having a difficult time, and Fuma could understand feeling lonely and like it was difficult to do everything alone... But he still didn't really understand, if Yugo loved Jesse, how things had come to this. "But-- why? I... my husband has the same schedule as yours, you could always talk to me..." And Fuma had heard from Hokuto how his bandmates were just as eager to get home to their husbands as he had been, and he'd heard Taira on the phone with Jesse, and he had just never expected there to be problems in Yugo's marriage... Being at home alone was hard, but that was just part of loving an idol, right?
At Fuma's words, something in Yugo snapped, because who was Fuma to tell Yugo what he was going through? He could disdain Yugo for having an affair, yes, of course, because Yugo knew he was in the wrong just as well as Fuma did, but for Fuma, with his storybook life and family, to tell Yugo that they were in the same situation was almost laughable, and it was enough to push even Yugo, ever-friendly, ever-easygoing Yugo over his limit. "Your husband may have essentially the same schedule is mine does, but how does your schedule compare to mine?" he asked, finally regarding Fuma straight on. "You record singles and act in dramas and go on tour just like Hokuto does, just like Jesse does. But you know what I do? I go to the same rehearsal hall and rehearse the same little kids doing the same mundane choreography every single day, day in and day out. And when I'm not doing that, I'm playing third fiddle to Yuma and Kyomoto, and as much as I respect both of them, there's not much incentive to keep going when there's absolutely no chance of me moving up in the world, is there?" It was harsh to say it that way, and maybe Yugo liked his job more than that, maybe saying it that way was unfair, but maybe he had been trying to stay strong for too long and didn't have it in him to force every last drip of positivity out of every part of his life. "So while you're off performing with your bandmates, doing everything you always hoped and dreamed of doing, I work nine to five with no one there to support me, and then I come home and feed Taira alone and put him to bed alone and try to fall asleep alone." It was hard to keep himself in check now that he had started snowballing, and he dropped his head back into his hands, feeling like he was going to cry, despite the fact that they were in public, despite everything. "When we were kids, we dreamed about debuting, becoming famous, touring, recording albums… and you do all that, you and Hokuto both. Do you want to know what my dream is anymore?" He sighed, feeling more broken down and deflated than ever. "My dream is to exchange more than six sentences with my husband in any given day. You try living like that, and then ask me why I'm falling apart."
Fuma stared at Yugo in shock, feeling more and more at a loss for words the more Yugo said. He'd had no idea that Yugo was so unhappy in his job, but when Yugo put it that way, when he emphasized that he was the only one of them who never toured or did dramas or anything like that, the idea of dealing with that was a shock of realization to Fuma. And then... did Yugo really talk to Jesse that little? They were both busy, but no busier than Fuma and Hokuto, and from the way Yugo said it, their lack of talking certainly wasn't due to a lack of wanting to talk on Yugo's part. All of that sounded like so much to deal with, and Fuma had had no idea... And somehow, Yugo had turned to Kento. Fuma barely knew what to say, and he bit his lip nervously, searching for words. "I... I had no idea," he said, swallowing. Because even if Yugo and Kento's affair was probably only making things fall apart even further, Fuma felt awful for being so unaware of Yugo's problems.
At Fuma's response, Yugo deflated again, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes and trying to take a deep breath. "I'm… I'm sorry," he apologized, his voice quiet and trembling, "I shouldn't have…" It felt like there was no other way to make Fuma understand, but Yugo had felt beaten down before, and now, he felt absolutely drained. "I guess… I didn't think there was any way you'd understand. Your life is perfect… you accomplished everything we dreamed about, and you have Hokuto, and your kids…" It almost hurt, to remember back to when they were kids, to realize that basically, Fuma and Hokuto had achieved every idealistic goal they had set their eyes on back in those days, while Yugo had… well, nothing. "It's not that I hate my work… the kids are great, they really are, but… well… I didn't really want to be a dance teacher." It sounded stupid and selfish, but he couldn't help it, and he exhaled, trying not to lose himself to self-pity. "And it would be one thing just to watch Jesse succeed… it's not his fault that he debuted when I didn't, of course… but… what am I supposed to do when I can't even watch him because he's never home? What am I supposed to do when he calls at midnight from Shizuoka every night after his drama filmings to tell me not to wait up for him? What am I supposed to do when nearly every day, Taira asks me when he'll get to see his other dad? How am I supposed to go on that way?" He was getting worked up again, but after having kept this all from Fuma for so long, it was hard not to let the floodgates open.
Fuma felt tears starting to prickle at his own eyes, listening to Yugo, and he shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment. "You shouldn't have to..." he said, because he loved his kids so much and they gave him so much strength, but he still couldn't imagine taking care of them without Hokuto's support, not to mention on top of working long hours at a job that wasn't very fulfilling... "You shouldn't have to go on that way," he said again, meeting Yugo's eyes. "But..." He paused, trying to figure out what to say. "Why... with Nakajima..." He bit his lip again, looking nervously at Yugo. "If I found out, other people are going to figure it out, too. You shouldn't have to deal with all that alone, but you can't keep going like this!"
Tell me something I don't know, Yugo wanted to say, but he bit his tongue, quieting himself by sipping his coffee instead. "I know," he replied quietly after a moment, staring down into his cup, "Neither of us think what we're doing is right. But Ke--Nakajima is the only person I have to rely on." He caught his slip, but not soon enough, and he curled in on himself further, ashamed. Fuma was right, of course, it was going to come out, but quitting was easier said than done when he and Kento both were so hopelessly lonely. "I just don't have the strength anymore, Fuma. After six years… I can't keep going on alone."
Things were really bad, Fuma thought, if Yugo didn't want to stop even now, and if he was accidentally calling Kento by his given name, which Fuma didn't think Yugo had done even when they were kids... But it couldn't keep going, Fuma couldn't just sit by and watch them both destroy their marriages further and further and hurt everyone around them more and more. "You... you don't have to be alone!" he said, "Nakajima doesn't have to be the only person you rely on. If you keep going with this... things aren't going to be better, only worse." He hated to see his two best friends in a situation like this, and he had to help Yugo make it better somehow.
Everything Fuma was saying was both blatantly obvious and completely ridiculous at the same time, because he was making seem as if it were easy to just change things, as if Yugo hadn't already realized that this was only going to make things worse. Hearing him talk about it all as if he expected Yugo to fix everything with a snap of his fingers was making him dizzy, and he put his hands up, meeting Fuma's eyes and giving him a look of desperation. "Fuma, please--" he started, quieting Fuma down and leaning in, lowering his voice. "Fuma… I promise, I'll sort everything out, okay?" he said quietly, "So… please trust me?" He didn't know exactly how he was going to sort things out, he wasn't sure, but… well, Fuma was right. At the very least, he and Kento had to talk about what to do now.
Fuma nodded. He did trust Yugo, even after all this, because he had known Yugo for so long and Yugo was one of the best people he knew. "I... I know you can make this right," he told Yugo. "And you can talk to me anytime." If Yugo and Kento tried... somehow this would work out, Fuma told himself. It had to work out... they both loved their husbands so much, Fuma was sure of it. "I trust you," he said. "So let me know if you need anything." He gave Yugo a tentative smile across the table, hoping Yugo knew that he meant it.
"Thank you," Yugo responded, slipping a hand over the tabletop to rest over Fuma's. Fuma had always been such a good friend to him, and Yugo appreciated his concern despite it all, but even still… he knew Fuma really couldn't comprehend just what he was going through, and that he could never really fully lean on Fuma. But that aside, he would have to talk to Kento… they would have to figure something out.
Part 8
